only painted smiles.

what I don’t understand is how we had such a good night out together. And then again the next night with my friends. And now suddenly everything stopped. Did it feel too real? Are you that afraid of hurting me?

fuckfuckfuck. I think that’s it. She’s going to wake up today and back the fuck out.

lovvvveeee living in this constant state of does-she-have-feelings-for-me-or-am-I-a-backup

she’s driving me crazy. and her falling asleep in my arms while holding my hand up to her face is going to stay in my mind for quite a while

really working on bettering myself and becoming a stronger and healthier version of myself by summer. I can’t wait. It’ll be worth it.

I need answers. having this many questions in my head ~will drive me to insanity. but if I push too early, I might ruin everything before it really truly starts.

the way I want to kiss her SO bad. but it’s just not my year. Maybe next….

I am queen of getting my hopes up when I’m actually not important in anyone’s life. fuck. here I thought things were different and better. but I mean nothing to everyone and I always will.

my “hunches” tend to always be right.

the thing is. I’ll never mean enough to people the way they mean to me.

the thing about me is I WILL make up scenarios or plans in my head and when they don’t happen or the tiny part of my brain clicks about how delusional I am I WILL sob uncontrollably. god I wish I wasn’t so emotional.

and so it marks the year anniversary of what started the crash out of a century. glad I’m not who I used to be anymore. proud of everything I accomplished and the growth that has happened since then. glad I have love and life to focus on now. I didn’t think I could ever be happy again. and I can’t begin to explain the feeling I have now. I know there is so much more to learn and figure out. but I’m finally feeling like I’m getting somewhere.

and here I go, falling into the same bad patterns.

fuuuuck her. She knows there’s something. Just make a move already.

love wasting a good outfit and hair day because I thought she would be here tonight. at least I know I’ll see her Thursday and Saturday. I was being greedy.