My Dumpster

“Why should you invite them to your graduation? They didn’t let you come to your sister’s Grade 8 graduation. Because they would rather celebrate the guy who SA’ed you, and keep you conveniently out of sight so they don’t have to think about it.”

And I quote: “Because if you come, the day will become about you and your problem, instead of celebrating C’s accomplishments. Besides which, he’s been a huge part of her schooling, supporting her, and volunteering. So this day is about celebrating him as well.”

Wtf? I was just telling Luke today that he doesn’t have to tolerate disrespectful behaviour from someone. He can speak up about it. I haven’t lain down and taken their BS yet. I’ve stood up for myself, fought for myself, to be heard and believed.

I’m tired of it. Of them. I don’t have them as parents anymore. I still have my siblings, but apparently they don’t understand. I don’t blame them.

But God doesn’t exist to do what we want Him to.

We cannot understand His ways because we are human, not God. We aren’t all-knowing.

We have to trust in His attributes. In His holiness. In His righteousness. And in the fact that He cannot operate in any way outside of these characteristics, because if He did He would not be God.

Therefore there is a reason for why He allows bad things to happen when He could theoretically prevent them. And I will not understand that reason.

And even if I did, it would not take away any of the effects of the thing on me. Knowing the why wouldn’t take away the hardness of it.

It is what it is. I cannot change it. And I cannot guarantee that He will answer my prayers when I ask for things. In all likelihood He will not. Because it doesn’t seem as though He is glorified when good things happen. Only when bad things do.

The aim of all things is for God to be glorified, for his glory to be made known to the world.

And for whatever reason, that rarely happens through what we would consider good things.

So expect the bad. Expect that person you pray healing for, to die. Expect that person you pray safety for, to be in an accident/assaulted/etc.

“But what about all the good He gives and allows to happen?”

I don’t know. The question isn’t why does bad stuff happen. That’s the status quo, really.

The real question is: why do good things happen to anyone at all?

When I was done explaining she laughed and said: “This is why we’re friends!”

Sup: They’re holding hands! <3

Me: *exaggerated* yuck.

a. Be in an exciting challenging job and experience high adrenaline, worthwhile situations, fiercely devoted to both said profession, and small family of a spouse and dog

but also

b. wanting to be a stay at home mom with four to five kids who run around outside all day like hooligans, filling my life with children’s giggles, affectionate, sticky hands, and armfuls of gap-toothed grins…

I want to be daring, highly skilled, making a palpable difference in the suffering of people who call me for help.

I want to live a quiet life in a warm-walled country home, making memories with my children, getting to know these little people that are half of me and half of the person I love most in the world.

Just to spite all those that tell me it’s a terrible idea. To show them that I can be irresponsible too. To be angry and rebel and fight and do that by getting a dog.

I would love that little mutt with all of my broken angry heart. It would be hard, yeah, to figure out my scheduling with school, and to somehow find the money for dog food and supplies and training and vet visits.

But maybe I could do it.

“Actions have consequences.”

Maybe a consequence would be that I would be happy.