Dear Journal...

We all desire it one way or another. The means to recieve attention will undoubtedly vary, depending on the scenario and/or point-of-view.

I’m not ashamed to say that I’m one of those people who appreciates & is welcome to attention I’m given.

Which brings me to the topic of discussion...

I had purchased Jay a black slinglet thong as a Christmas gift. Well, I opened up the package yesterday, only to say “I told you so” to myself. I had a feeling the slinglet was going to be too big for him after I tried it on (since were practically the same size).

I opted to go to Tapelenders to see if an alternative was available. Being Christmas Eve, I was surprised to find that the store was open for normal business hours.

Upon walking in I was greeted by a cheerful employee by the name of Michael. Michael asked if I needed help with anything to let him know & feel free to try anything on in the fitting room.

After grabbing some much needed lube, I headed to the thong section (which was a bit lackluster). Most of the thongs I was checking out seemed to run smaller than what the size was. I used the elbow to palm method to measure the inside (as a guesstimate).

Michael came over & asked if I was still doing ok. I said I was fine & asked if there were any other thongs available. He apologized for the limited selection available.

Soon after I found a thong I felt Jay would like, so I headed to the register to checkout. Michael asked if I’d like to try it on (the thong). I said “Sure! That’d be great if I could do that!”

I undressed in the fitting room & tried on the thong, which felt really comfortable 😁. As I checked out myself in the mirror, I felt that for some reason the thing was too tight. Since I’d never worn this type of thong, I questioned how it should be worn.

Michael: “How’s everything going?”

Me: “Ummm, I dunno, I’m not sure if it looks ok.”

Michael: “Usually people tend to wear thongs somewhat high on the hips, is this your 1st thong?”

Me: “Well, for this brand it is... Would you mind letting me know if it looks okay?”

Michael: “No problem! Let me check out a customer at the register & I’ll be back shortly”

Me: Waits for about 2 mins, but not feeling confident.

Michael: “Okay, let’s see what’cha got!”

I opened the curtain & was face-to-face with him & feeling awkward. Michael was surprisingly professional & asked me to turn to the side & then view the rear.

Michael: “I would only recommend making sure the “V” above your butt doesn’t completely swallow the thong, lol. And raise the sides, so they rest on your thigh. Other than that, I’d say you look pretty damn great in that thong!”

After getting some feedback from him, I checked out & headed to the grocery store.

On my way to work, I couldn’t help but think about the amount of confidence I had & how good it felt to hear someone say I looked great! Whether or not he meant it, is irrelevant. It was just nice to hear, ya know?

I mean, I tell Jay I think he looks hot/handsome/cute because I genuinely feel that way. I’ll grab his junk, ass, chest or legs because I feel it’s important to let your partner know how much you’re still attracted to em.

Jay used to tell me those things pretty often, when we 1st started seeing each other. Now, I seldomly hear it & wonder (at times) if he’s even still attracted to me.

Yesterday I hung out with Orlando. I missed being around him, even though I know he’s slightly abrasive, for lack of better terms. Haha!

It felt great to talk to him & catch up on anything that I’ve missed since we last spoke (about a month ago).

Of course, being around him means that alcohol will inevitably be involved; which I’m okay with. I just don’t enjoy how he acts when he’s had too much. He reminds me of how I spiral out of control (minus the slapping/hitting of people, which I’m definitely not okay with).

Anyhow, I was happy to hear that he was still seeing Miguel & no other guy. I genuinely feel he’s a good fit for Orlando, but Orlando doesn’t wish to give as much as Miguel does.

Orlando’s aware that Miguel is basically holding them both together, but he insists that he needs his own freedom from Miguel.

As well as I know Orlando, I just don’t even have the energy to attempt to figure out why he’s behaving the way he is.

After we move past him, I let him know things about myself & where I’m falling short. Orlando assures me that I’m very cynical (which I already know), as I can’t even begin to comprehend why a loved one would continue to lie over & over again, instead of being a decent-fucking human being.

The truth’s gonna hurt briefly, but the lies will fester into resentment & eventually feeling nothing.

Make my heart pirouette 😘

Memories are funny things…

The good ones fill our lives with meaning of context and of clarity.

Other memories can sometimes deceive the ones that make you believe you know the truth—those are the dangerous ones.

There are some things I just don’t like to discuss, such as what’s gonna be laid out today.

In the past I’ve been kink-shamed by friends or from previous exes. I was pretty reluctant to express my interests to anyone, after the 1st fiasco with a former ex.

I confided in some of my closest friends what some of the kinks were to get some perspective, but in hindsight, i should’ve just stayed quiet. Over time, it seemed as though my kinks were the topic of conversation when friends or former ex’s wanted to speak on grotesque sexual interests. Of course this was all in good humor, but the laughter was at my expense. 😕

I don’t think my kinks are too unusual, in my opinion obviously 🙄. Just to throw it out there for the last time, my kinks involve: piss play, leather, role-playing, bondage, dildo/ass play, s&m play, spitting in my mouth, vouyerism, toe licking, and exhibitionism.

I guess the beauty is that you find someone who shares these similar interests, doesn’t mind participating in the acts you enjoy and/or fantasize of.

I’d like to say right off the bat that I don’t like to make my partner feel like he’s not doing enough for me, because I still love him either way.

I would prefer to talk about this with Jay face-to-face, but I fear the conversation with go South & I’ll come off as though I don’t appreciate him, value him, or place blame on him for how I feel in a bitchy-tone.

A couple of times I’ve been asked before, by my partner Jay, if there’s anything he’s not doing sexually that he could do, to make sure that I’m satisfied. I’ve actually given it genuine thought when asked about it, and I’ve reiterated what I’d like done, but it remains a shortcoming.

Honestly, I don’t like answering this question or bringing up the fact that my interests aren’t being met. It makes me seem needy, that I’m a sex driven maniac, or making a fuss about something so small.

I was actually fondling Jay yesterday in the shower & while brushing my teeth I made a hand gesture of putting my fist to my abdomen & opened it quickly a couple of times (in an exploding manner).

He asked me “You want me to pee on you??” In my mind I was laughing, but I quickly spit out my toothpaste & responded with “No! Cum on me. Babe, I gave up on asking you to do that to me, since you haven’t done it.”

*Silence for about 5 mins*

His lack of response to what I said, on top of the silence was pretty reassuring to know that whatever fantasies I had shared can be laid to rest, that we haven’t already done. Since this has been a continued occurrence over the years, I’m just gonna keep these sort of things to myself, create my own fantasy world of dirty acts & no longer disclose anything else that gets me going.

The only thing that’ll know what I like is gonna be my internet browser history, lmao.

Some moments arise where I should say what’s really on my mind while things are happening.

As far back as I can remember, my personality is usually the passive agressive kind, now that I think of it.

I’ve been told that I have this personality by a friend. Being the defensive person I am, I immediately dismissed this notion by saying I don’t enjoy being confrontational & have more negative things on my mind, so I choose to collect myself & discussing it later on.

To be quite frank, I can admit to myself that the true reason I’m passive agressive has to do with the way I was raised & treated in my youth.

Most times, when there was a situation I didn’t like, then I’d avoid contact with anyone & later on when the dust had settled, I would initiate a conversation with an appalled attitude with my discomfort previously.

Currently, I’m still the same person I have & not sure that I’ll change, even though I’ve tried my very best to be more forthcoming with my discomfort as things ocurr.

In my current relationship, I’ve discussed things that bother me while I’m the moment of things, but had a negative effect when asking for feedback or ways to resolve the issue.

The reason things would backfire, would be that I would come off too strongly or I would “make a big deal” about small things along with a negative tone.

Of course things were off to a bad start...!

Who the hell would want to continue a conversation with someone who’s already pointing fingers of blame, instead of being more genuinely inquisitive to resolve any underlying issues?

I hope for the best in the future, because I don’t enjoy being the person that makes anyone around me feel inadequate, unworthy to truly understand me, or deal with someone who may seem like a constant bitch.