!

I hate my birthday so much, but I hate my mother more for believing it's about her and treating me like less than human weeks before it.

I wish I was blind so it wouldn't hurt this much.

My legs hurt so much, can someone turn the cold weather off please?

My mother just sprayed vinegar with bleach on me. Not even when she's sick can she act normal. I try really hard to not care about her stunts, but it's hard to not react when I've been treated like a pest all my life

I wonder if no one talks to me because I'm so fucking hideous.

I will get so skinny you'll vomit at the sight of me. You'll want to touch me again, and when you take my clothes off you'll be so disappointed, so grossed out. You'll ask me to dress up and kick me out, and I'll finally be free. You'll finally reject me and my mind will be at ease. And if you still find me attractive when I lose this weight, then I'll lose even more, until you're repulsed just from my existence.

I'm such a fucking failure. One day I'll make it, I'll be up there on a real big stage, I'll be looking tiny and cute, and still I will carry this dread and pain with me.

I've eaten 700 calories already and it's not even 2pm yet- I'm so fucked.

"omg! You're getting sugar rushes because you're so fat! Careful or you'll become diabetic" "just leave some food for me!!" Whatever bitch. It's not like I'm morbidly obese? Or overweight like you??? We weigh the same yet you're 10cm shorter, get a grip. I'm so damn pissed ngl. I'll starve HARD all of spring break and shut your damn mouth 🙄🙄🙄

I fucking hate her so bad. Who the fuck thinks barging into someone's room yelling and insulting bullshit at 5 in the morning is normal? I only slept 4 fucking hours.

I'm just so tired. I feel so irrationally exhausted. My insurance doesn't cover death by suicide tho, I don't know how to keep going. How do I even write a will???? The only ones who deserve that are my dogs, and I can't kill myself knowing they're gonna be left alone. They deserve someone better, someone who can love them properly, I've never deserved such pure souls to begin with. I try and try my best to keep them happy, but I feel like I'm never enough. I will stay as long as they do tho, if I suddenly disappeared, what would happen to my babies??? Yet I am so tired, I feel so drained. I am so scared, they're both 6 now, so I have to give it my best so they can enjoy their life, and when it comes to an end, I will have nothing else to give, nothing else to aspire or take care of. When the day comes, and they get one last meal, one last pet and one last walk, when they're no longer running around being adorable and silly, I will know that my time has come too. I will rest as well, and I pray that I can meet them again on the other plane. If I were to go to hell for my cowardice, the only punishment I can think of would be to never see them again, that, I am sure, is the real hell. No flames or lash would be as painful as that. When I end my suffering, I hope God can recognize I tried to keep them safe for as long as he allowed me, and he lets me stay with them, away from this sourness that I have experienced from the moment I landed in this earth. Away from all the pain I have caused for myself. May god have mercy on my disgraceful soul, and forgive me for everything I have inflicted on others. Forgive me for my disease, that spreads like wildfire and contaminates everything in reach. May he forgive me, for I was brought to this world unwanted and sinful, and I have chosen to depart in the exact same way.

I tried moving my diary to twitter lol, but it does feel too massive and I hate that one option that allows your contacts to find you even if you disable it. Like, let me rot in peace Musk, wtf. You've got enough money to solve world hunger but instead are trying to LEAK MY ED ACCOUNT. I guess the man's bored.

every time I advance in my career, I can't help but feel disgusted at the way I look, my brain immediately goes "YOU of all people will be up there? the lights are so harsh you got no chance to hide all that fat" and so I end up sabotaging my shit and going back to square one. This time tho, I can't really let that happen. I'm getting older and I can't keep letting my odds slip away because of fear. I'm making it this time, I am losing this weight and I am going up there no matter what it takes. I'd rather die trying than die useless.

I miss singing. I should do something about that.