The Oklahoma Partisan

By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa.

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.”

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

“Yeah, I said homosexual love was an abomination, but I didn’t say it was any worse than any other abomination,”

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, the Senate celebrated “Penny Williams Awareness Day,” a new state holiday designed to raise awareness of Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa, who often appears to have no idea what is going on in the world around her. “We had noticed that, at the Capitol and in the chamber, Penny often appeared both lost and confused. We hope that this holiday will greatly raise her awareness, informing her of where she is and what is going on,” said Sen. Daisy Lawler, D-Comanche. Lawler authored SB 24601, which created the state holiday. She said she was inspired to raise the awareness of Williams after watching the Tulsa senator vote to order tacos by unanimous consent. “I think we were discussing provisions of the Volunteer Firefighter Incentive Act and, during her debate, Sen. Williams attempted to ‘super-size’ the legislation for an additional 39 cents,” said Lawler.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the 2003 legislative session winds down, Oklahoma’s trial lawyers are breathing a sigh of relief. At the beginning of the session, Gov. Brad Henry had promised tort reforms that would be “stronger than Texas.” With two weeks left in the session, Henry has backed off of this statement, and now promises reforms that are “stronger than Texas football.” After mounting an intense lobbying effort against lawsuit reform, trial lawyers have now resumed fulltime mustache twirling, as well as kidnapping damsels and tying them to railroad tracks. “Finally, I can relax again,” said part-time trial lawyer Sen. Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City. With the threat to jackpot justice nearly behind him, Taylor has resumed wearing a the black top hat and monocle that is the uniform of the American Trial Lawyer Association. “With tort reform essentially emasculated, the people of Oklahoma are the winners,” said Taylor. “Lawyers can finally get back to eating babies and kicking puppy dogs.” Trial lawyers are not the only party to benefit from Henry’s flaccid reform promises. The state’s workers compensation providers are eagerly awaiting the governor’s limp-wristed and toothless reform proposals.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the Legislature enters its last week of the regular session, hookers along the “Capitol Corridor” are shoring up for the lean summer months. However, with term limits carrying off many repeat customers, the president of the Prostitutes Local 24601 says the union may lobby for a longer legislative session. “The Legislature is constitutionally mandated to adjourn in May,” said Gertie Cummings, part-time lobbyist and full-time whore.

“This hasn’t been a problem in the past, because we had some big spenders. However, a 12-year term limit can create big problems within the industry, since it can take up to a year to convince some of the younger lawmakers that their wives will never find out.”

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together. Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae,

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.”

Former House page Gloria Grahame was more direct, “I wish they’d just kiss already.” While most at the Capitol agree that Balkman and Cargill would make a good couple, the rising tension is not without danger, said Oklahoma fire marshal Robert Doke.

“Whenever Balkman and Cargill get together, the sparks start flying. And when you’ve got a Capitol surrounded by oil wells, flying sparks is not something you want to deal with,”

Police urge caution; Former senator last seen making illegal campaign contributions south of McAlester By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter: Former senator and convicted felon Gene Stipe escaped from house arrest on Monday, slipping out the back door while his wife was watching daytime TV. Stipe’s checkbook was also missing, which concerns authorities.

“As of right now, we believe the fugitive to be hiding somewhere in the McAlester area,”

Valentine's Day took more commitment this year, so we missed a copy deadline.

Here are the stories we should have had ready for print, but didn't

Even Nashoba lawmaker doesn’t know where the hell Nashoba is

Obese kids, hungry cows: State crisis solves itself

Senator calls for special session to finish farewell speech

Governor ‘doing well’ following spine-removal surgery

Citing the need to protect Oklahoma's children from improved health care and broader educational opportunities, House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, D-Kellyville, called for the resignation of Oklahoma's Democratic Party.

"For too long, the Democratic Party has clogged the legislature with plans to extend health care to the poor, boost teacher salaries and provide drug rehabilitation programs for addicts. The resignation of the party is necessary to proceed with important business such as reforming workers compensation and absolving corporations of responsibility to consumers,"

Hiett said in a Wednesday press conference. So far, Hiett has sought the resignations of:

Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington,

Senate President Pro Tempore Emeritus Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City and

Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne.

He also seeks the resignation of:

Oklahoma Insurance Commissioner Carroll Fisher,

Gov. Brad Henry,

two dogs and

fifteen cats thought to be opposed to tort reform.

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation.

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, officials with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Steve Largent, former football star, U.S. representative and gubernatorial candidate, was found living in the basement of the governor’s mansion. 

The discovery concludes a yearlong investigation into the fate of the popular, good-looking jock, who had not been heard from following his defeat by student-council dweeb Brad Henry in the 2002 election. Officials says Largent has been living in the mansion’s basement since the defeat, surviving off Sonic leftovers discarded by the Henry family. 

Happy Spring and condolences for all the pathetic bills which didn't get a committee vote. Better luck next year.

Here are some journalistic tips we should be investigating, but the people-watching in the rotunda is more fun.

Henry says EDGE 2005 will feature 50 percent more smoke, mirrors

Rural lawmakers planning aggressive effort to court black voter

Lt. Governor calls for special commission to determine what the hell she’s supposed to do all day

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name. 

  Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill, 

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.” 

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously. 

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

  However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug 

‘Suck it up, you pansies’ says Speaker.

In other news, we're working on some leads in these 2 stories.

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’ 

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced that he had filed a restraining order against the mustache of Rep. Larry Rice, D-Pryor. “Rice’s facial hair is out of control,” said Edmondson. “We feel that, if it is allowing to grow unchecked, it threatens to consume the House.” 

  Edmond said the action was necessary to protect Rep. Joe Eddins, D-Vinita, who sits next to Rice in the House and has been assaulted by the mustache on various occasions. “I’m not saying he has to shave it but something has to be done. I can’t see anything from my desk anymore, and it’s like voting in a straw hut.” Eddins said.