Idk

So it’s been a while since i left tumblr,and had no one to talk to. Life’s been pretty shitty, and i finally fell into the spiral which i was really scared of falling into,the spiral of total anxiety and stress and literally insanity. Every step i take,every achievement i make,nothing helps me to escape from these strings pulling me down deeper every day. Recently, everything concerning my education has been going surprisingly well, and for me (after some stuff happened) that was the only thing that made me somewhat happy, and feel better about myself. I also happened to smoke a couple of times (thinking it would make me feel better,and oh am i fucking idiot with asthma,i have shortness of breath now) and got caught by my grandpa (of course i gracefully blamed the whole thing on a friend of mine) . But alcohol helps,like it always did (since i was 4), not gonna miss a single chance. 

SO the thing is, i kept running away from my problems,and then i realized that my whole social life IS itself the problem. I’ve cut many people off, im being rude but honest,and back then that wold keep me awake at night (oh no u said this to latifah,she’s gonna be mad) I AM SCARED, scared of everything,scared of commitment,developing feelings,connections (this is bout friendships too). Afterall, just like everyone around me (including my parents) ,i stopped trusting myself with anything.