things that make me happy

I'm back to being a lab rat. Off one new med and starting another. It was really fun to say, "oh no, I've already tried all the moderate mood stabilizers in existence and you're not putting me on the really zombie inducing stuff." Abilify, Latuda, Lamictal, Equertro, seroquel, lithium carbonate, welbutrin, trazodone, pristique, fuck no, never again. Now we can add Buspar to meds I went off and add fucking Gabapentin to drugs I'm on.

Every time I try to sit down and try to work, all I hear is my family telling me I'll never be good enough. That I'll flunk out of college either way. That I'm not worth the air I breathe or the electricity I use. Why try when I've been told my whole life that I'm not going to accomplish anything? What's the point of trying? And other people tell me I'm good enough and tell me I can do it, but if my family doesn't believe in me, how could a person who barely knows me know I can do it? My family knows me the best, they've dealt with me the longest. They already know what I realize every time I try, I'm a fucking piece of shit human being, not worth the air I breathe.

I technically qualify for complex PTSD because there was a large period in my life where it was trauma after trauma intertwining with trauma and next to trauma. Instead of having one point or event to set myself off, I have a tangled mess of my childhood with bullshit seeping out every angle, contaminating all other parts of my life. This causes me to go off at random points and lose myself because the trauma comes out at random points and I can't even begin to figure out why. This makes so much fucking sense. I love having big realizations.

I need to stop thinking my dad will remember my birthday.

I survived my childhood and the only thing I got was this mental illness hahahahaha

Nothing quite like walking into a conversation and hearing your grandmother declare your sister is the only granddaughter she actually likes from "that part of the family." Like Jesus. Parts of my family don't even like me. It's fine, but god damn it hurts. Also my dad wasn't at the rehearsal dinner. And there's no privacy to cry on family vacations.