🌎Welcome to my humble abode🌍(18+)

I am in a disgustingly bad place mentally. Theres friends I haven't spoke to for months, shit that I need to deal with, but I feel I can't. Idk how much longer I have left. The past couple months have absolutely fucked me, idk how much I can take it's making me feel worthless and out of place. I am not myself at all, and idk how to bring that back. Dad's birthday is coming up and his death traumatised me so much, I've been having panic attack after panic attack and having to suppress them around people but that just makes em worse when they do come on.

I never got to give Tony a proper good bye as he died while I was back living in England, but he was like a father figure to me, riding me around Sierra Cabrera. Will never forget those memories.

"El maestro de los caballos"

"The master of the horses"

Life got me feeling down. I just want to escape. Nothing feels right anymore and I just wanna start again, from scratch. I have no freedom, no space to myself, dunno how much more I can take before I break.

I go up n down with feeling depressed cus life ain't the worst but it ain't the best, but all I know is I for sure feel numb af right now.

I keep craving getting obliterated drinking or go out and get drugs that I've not taken for years n get absolutely fucked up. Surely this isn't all life has to offer.

I don't wanna die, nor do I wanna hurt myself, I just really don't wanna live this life the way am living it. I had so many aspirations and things going on in life and one by one I watch as they shatter into a million tiny specs fluttering down. It makes pushing through difficult, and I can already hear the "we all wanna see you succeed" or whatever other words of encouragement but like, I don't mean to disregard any of it but I've heard it all before, and felt it all before, the shattered specs of aspirations are just forking a layer of dust on life making it hazy and difficult to navigate.

I'm currently jobless and going through a rough breakup that's been going on for the past 2 months and it feels like this part of my life is never going to end. I just want released. I want my life back. I forgot how to be me, how to have fun, how to experience life.

I just want to be me