& I loved him

Now if any of you have read any of my AUs you know that most every one of them has a scene like this. Offside most of all. I love Mary and kate's relationship and it's my absolute favourite Parent-child relationship in the Bridgerton series. Because they are mother and daughter by choice.

But with that choice comes the assumption or the feeling that one day, one day, one of them could choose not to have this relationship. Especially for Kate who, even in the book, craves belonging to something. Even though she keeps her emotions so tightly guarded, she wants to desperately to be loved.

And Mary loves her. Kate knows there's no difference in the way Mary treats her and Edwina, but there's a tiny voice in the back of her head that says If she chose to love you she could choose not to so easily. It's why we see this look on her face when Mary starts defending them all

This reinforces to Kate that Mary lost something because of her. Mary gave up an entire life to be her mother and that's a debt she can never repay. Ever.

But she can do this. She can force down the feelings threatening to burst out of her because she owes this life to Mary, to Edwina. The life she took from them. And of course, that's not what Mary would ever want Kate to do, but she's never given the choice.

And with that comes upset for Mary. Mary who met a tiny girl who needed love and affection, and fell in love with her as much as she did the girl's father. But Kate, especially after her father's death keeps such distance between them. I imagine a shift happened after Mr Sharma died. When Kate shouldered the responsibilities and took the place of the man they'd both loved. And she did it in part, i think, because she saw this as a way to be useful to Mary. Useful to a family she didn't feel she quite belonged to.

Because without her Appa, while Kate felt that Mary was her mother and Edwina was her sister, she didn't truly belong with them. Even though Kate kind of craves the motherly affection Mary gives to her because she's lonely but she's convinced herself she isn't.

I think what begins in episode 5 and continues is episode 6, is Mary waking up to exactly how much Kate has sacrificed for them. What she's done. You can see, that Mary notices Kate struggling earlier in episode 5, but then in Episode 6 the look on Mary's face when she realises that Kate can't deny she's in love with Anthony.

Mary's "You have kept so very much from me." comes from a moment of stress, and panic because what she really means is How could you not tell me you felt this way? I could have helped you.

And we see it again, here

aWhen she sees the look on kate's face when Edwina walks away from her. When she sees how it's tormenting her to have broken the most important relationship in her life and still feel this way about him. But she doesn't know what to do because Kate won't let her close enough to her, Kate won't talk about it.

It's not a coincidence that Mary talks about Kate when she and Anthony are alone together. She knew what she was doing.

But here's why the affirmation of Mary's love is so important at the very end:

Kate has been waiting. Waiting to fulfil her obligation to Mary, waiting to repay this debt, waiting for the fact that one day she would do something big enough and ugly enough that Mary would stop loving her. That Mary would finally see that the life she gave up for Kate, wasn't worth it. That Kate didn't deserve the love she craved from her. And so, to have all of this happen, for her to have caused yet more shame and scandal for Mary and for Mary to still love her: That's what needed to happen. It's what they both needed.

And finally, Kate cracks too

And with that, she finds the strength and the belonging she wanted, in part

Even if Mary is scared for her, when she sees the way people react to her and Anthony together. She's scared that kate will stumble. Stumble the very first time she's shown people what she wanted, and fall back into denying herself everything. Scared that Anthony doesn't feel the same way, that she's going to get her heart broken

But then she sees Kate, and she sees how happy she is, how happy they both are, and you can see, even in the background, she's happy and proud of her daughter for finally realising she is enough. She doesn't owe her life to anyone else, it's hers to do with as she wishes. And it's so beautiful