ᴡɪɴᴄʜᴇꜱᴛᴇʀ

“I can tell if they’re going to Hell, but I can’t necessarily tell which kingdom they’re going to from a look alone. If I knew what they were like, I could probably figure it out. If my siblings called dibs, I might know too. Why? Do you want me to call dibs on you too?” They didn’t know Dean as well as Sam, but if Sam wanted him to be in their kingdom with him, they could make it happen. “Probably.” Belphegor shrugged. The world was full of sinners. Everyone was bound to know some. They looked over the business card Dean handed them. “Why would I call the FBI over the things I deal with?”

Dean was a walking sin. He was gluttonous and over indulgent. Lustful, wrathful, jealous, prideful...you name it. He and Sam cut corners sometimes by making bad deals with demons so for all he knew, he could be going to Belphegor’s kingdom. “I’ll take my changes and play the lottery. See which one of my sins wins out in the end.” He hoped it wasn’t his wrath, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was. “Oh, that’s not a number for the feds. It’s for one of my burner phones.”

[No response for hours.]

[sent message > Dean]: Okay, so I didn’t die, but listen, it was a good thing we did what the house wanted [sent message > Dean]: We found the last tablet [sent message > Dean]: We’re admittedly a little worse for wear, but we got out alive.

@ofpossemagnet​ {Beelzebub}

“If you want some, you can just ask,” Beelzebub pointed out. He didn’t have to look up to feel Dean’s hunger for the buffet of pies in front of him. It was just a small snack for Beel to get through the day, but he didn’t mind sharing with one human. It wasn’t like he could keep up. “Just be careful. When people start eating around me, they find it hard to stop.” Sometimes, they’d actually eat to death, which Beel thought had to be a nice way to go.

Dean didn’t need to be invited twice. He was quick to take a seat and grab a slice. “Thanks. Sam’s taking forever in there.” He gestured toward the law library across the street. The kid was doing some research paper and Dean figured he’d wait for him here but that was three hours ago. He generally didn’t have much self-control when it came to food. It was one of his main sources of coping with the shit hands life tended to deal him. But he figured Sam would emerge from the library before he had a chance to eat himself to death. “Where’d you get all these pies?” he asked as he began to dig in. He was always looking for a good pie place.

“From what I can tell, in your universe, just about everyone was a dick,” she pointed out. She’d heard bits and pieces of Sam’s life when they were in the other timeline. It didn’t sound great. She knew he and his brother were from different timelines as well, but some things seemed to match up. “Have you done any research about the Men of Letters in this universe?” she asked, eager to possibly help him look into it. She liked that sort of thing and got really into it from time to time. She began following him through the labyrinth of shelves as he guided her toward the books on elemental magic. She hadn’t yet gone to Zach about her issues but she listened as Dean listed off the resources. “Belphegor? I ran into them once in a recording studio. I didn’t know they were a healer.”

“You’re not wrong,” he chuckled. “This universe is pretty weird but it’s better than the one I came from. The same can’t really be said for the one you went to.” Sam had told him bits and pieces of what happened. It didn’t exactly sound like any of them had a good time, but Thorn in particular got a rough deal from it all. “I haven’t really looked into them in this universe. Sufficed to say, I don’t really want to run into them. They might be great here, but I’d rather not find out.” He hoped they’d never find out about him either. Dean stopped at a bookshelf and pulled out a few books that he thought might be helpful in her research. “Yeah, it’s a touchy subject for them on account of the fact they can’t heal like they used to. I’d only go there as a last resort.”

“You haven’t even heard my plans,” he complained. How could he know whether they were good or not? John took the ID and glanced at it wearily. Sure, it was convincing enough but it was a stupid move. They were in backwoods Louisiana. The folks in these parts didn’t talk to Feds. “Listen, I know you’re not from this universe, but if you think these people are gonna open up to you just because of a fancy badge, you’re wrong. We won’t get anywhere questioning them, but we might get somewhere if we talk to the bog itself.” Sure, it sounded crazy, but he knew a guy that could help.

Dean was already entirely annoyed of this team up. “I don’t need to hear it to know it’s probably dumb.” He’d read the comics. John was the kind of wizard who’s plans always bit you in the ass, but he made sure he got out of there before it had a chance to go south for him too. It was like working with Crowley again. He shut the trunk of the Impala and looked up when John suggested talking to the bog. He’d read enough comics to know what that meant. “Swamp Thing? Is he even gonna answer?”

“It gets worse?!” Zach asked incredulously. “How the fuck does it get worse than my cousin sleeping with my dad?!” He shouldn’t have asked because it did, of course, get worse. He stared at his glass for a moment after Dean gave him the new, trying, and failing, to process it. “John’s my dad?!” He really felt like he was going to throw up now. In fact, he turned to the side and did just that. He pulled himself up for a moment to address Dean. “Please tell me you’re just fucking with me.”

Was it cruel and unusual punishment to make him sit here and listen to this? Probably. Was it funny though? Absolutely. “You’d think his pullout game would’ve been better but apparently not,” he commiserated. He handed Zach a napkin off the table to wipe off the bit of vomit from his lip. “He’ll clean it up,” he informed the waitress. It was easier for Zach to do a backward spell than it was for the poor woman to have to clean up his bodily fluids. “I wish I was but I’m not. I think that iteration was like Earth-22 or something. It kinda makes sense though,” he argued knowing damn well he was digging a deeper hole. “She does act like your mom. Might be time to do a combo Mother’s Day & Birthday present. They both end up in May,” he teased.

“An endurance test that makes you black out and get alcohol poisoning,” he pointed out. Sam wasn’t an alcoholic, but his addiction to demon blood was similar. If Dean could worry about that, Sam could worry about this. “From what I remember in the comics, saying his name backwards meant that he had to leave the universe, but since Zach was in a different universe, I don’t know if that applies to this universe or the one he was in at the time, or even if that comic canon applies the same here.” That was one of the bad things about knowing the comics. They didn’t know for sure what held true here. “That too,“ Sam agreed. "But what did they even do with the ship” If him being here caused trouble, Sam doubted he had the time to take it back. “Cupid said they went on a trip to the Grand Canyon anyways. I’m not planning on driving out there.“

“Y’know, there are worse ways to die,” he laughed. He’d experienced plenty of deaths, some that he didn’t even remember thanks to Gabriel’s groundhog day prank. “I guess we’ll see if he shows up again. At least it was just Zach’s club that went to another universe and not the entire city. Maybe it’s the kick in the ass that he needed.” Sam and Dean couldn’t really judge. They constantly made the same mistakes over and over again with each other. Dean was trying to turn over a new leaf though and he’d support Zach in trying too. “Honestly, I’m not too sure where the ship went. Probably SHIELD or JL storage or maybe an auction. I don’t think the ship itself has magic properties.” It wasn’t a TARDIS as far as Dean knew. “Yeah, the kid didn’t look like she was doing too good,” he admitted. Cupid looked worse for wear lately than most of the others. “Did something happen to her out there before she left you guys?”

“There’s always family drama, but with what’s at stake, at least the ones who know are more likely to keep things from getting to a war.” The only one who possibly wanted a war was Aamon, but hopefully his failed coup stomped that out. “The others don’t recognize the politics as much, especially Belphegor and the younger princes, aside from Lucifer, but we make up for it as best we can.” So far, that was enough. Michael and Lucifer were adept at dishing out proper consequences to keep everyone in line on both sides. “I’ll take MILF, but I could make the garbage man outfit work too.”

He hoped that she was right. He was getting too old to keep fighting these kinds of battles even if he didn’t want to admit it out loud. “Yeah, but will Belphegor?” he asked. Dean wasn’t a stranger to lying to family. He and Sam kept up a pattern of doing it. It even carried over into this world. Dean was trying to break the pattern but he knew how much it hurt to have someone lie to your face. He’d been on the receiving and giving end of both. Dean was still weary of Heaven and Hell in this universe, but he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that they could properly handle each side. “What about you? You come from as big of a family as the others?”

“Agreed.” Sam nodded. The last person he wanted to see here was Chuck. Him being gone was half the reason he liked it here, assuming he actually was gone. “At the very least, I hope we never have to deal with that. “It might be above our paygrade.“ Most of the superhero stuff was. The only super they were prepared for was the supernatural. "Yeah, I know.” It’d taken a lot out of Sam to get here too, but he hadn’t been as used to that power as Jack had been. "I can help him with some subjects if he needs it too.” He was in law school now. A lot of that kind of stuff was fresh in his mind now. “He’d at least like making friends in school. He never had many of those before,” and Sam was excited for him to get some. “Right,” Sam nodded. I’m surprised you didn’t just tune it out.“

“It’s absolutely above our paygrade,” he agreed. He couldn’t even do planes let alone space ships and other planets. He planned to remain firmly planted on earth. “But I’ll definitely be cheering Zatanna on from down here if she gets called in for that stuff.” He hoped that wouldn’t happen. She was already stretched thin as it was, but then again it wouldn’t be a Christmas special without something trying to invade Earth. He nodded when Sam said he could help Jack catch up on some of the subjects he missed. “I hope he has better luck here than he did in my universe.” Jack was more than a little socially awkward, but with the right school clubs Dean could see him making friends. At least he seemed to click with Cupid and Belphegor lately. “You have your research and I have mine.” Dean also had some ass kissing to do after the necromancy request.

“Yeah, that’s the point. I’m Sloth. Exhausting people is … kinda in the title.” They frowned as they thought about the people that ended up in their kingdom. They didn’t like being associated with them, but they did enjoy knowing they got punished. “Negligent doctors, people who cut corners in ways that hurt or kill others in the process, parents who neglect their children. It’s when laziness starts hurting people that it becomes a sin.” Most people who had a few lazy days didn’t typically end up in Belphegor’s kingdom unless they self actualized it. “I’d prefer for him to stay alive too. He’s helpful to have around.” Belphegor felt like they owed him for what he did.

“Can you tell which soul is gonna go where before they die?” he asked. He knew he was going to hell, but he would’ve liked a heads up on which kingdom he’d end up in if he ended up dying in this universe. It was really anyone’s game when it came to his soul. He nodded when they described the kind of people that ended up in their kingdom. “Looks like we might know some of the same people then.” Dean himself wasn’t lazy but he knew a fair share of people that fell into that category. His father, for one, would be considered negligent but that had more to do this his obsessive nature and his rage than with laziness. “Yeah, my baby brother’s one of the dumbest smart people that I know,” he chuckled. “I’m glad he was able to help you this time but uh, if you guys get into trouble again can you do me a favor and give me a call?” He handed them an FBI business card with his number on it. “Sometimes he gets in a little over his head and he likes to play it off like he can handle it.”

[sent message > Dean]: In my defense, the house thinks we need to go there. [sent message > Dean]: Maybe it’ll be helpful. It doesn’t necessarily have to be bad. [sent message > Dean]: Zatanna’s with me, and the house, if that counts. [sent message > Dean]: Besides, I’m letting you know now, so if anything actually goes wrong, I’ll just text you.

@ofpossemagnet​

[sent message > Dean]: Zatanna’s sentient house just opened up a door. She says it’s likely showing us something we’ll need. I’ll keep you posted if it goes full Monster House on us. [sent message > Dean]: I’ll try to make sure I don’t nearly die again.

🦌🦌🦌

“At least we can count on consistency.” In a way that was both relieving and concerning. The consistency meant that they knew how to deal with it, but it also meant that their lives weren’t just like this because of God or the universes they were from. They couldn’t blame it on anything besides themselves, and unlike everything else, they couldn’t escape themselves. “The Justice League probably almost causes as many apocalypses as we do. Don’t they actually have villain by that name too?” he chuckled. Still, Dean wasn’t wrong that they should avoid trouble and attention from the Justice League, assuming they even could. “Yeah, I don’t know why he would want to do it.” If it was supposed to impress them, it wasn’t doing the trick. It just worried them. “Do you think he’d be okay in school?” Sam wasn’t disagreeing with Dean’s suggestion. In fact, the idea was more than appealing to Sam, but Jack hadn’t been taight a lot of things. Even so, there was a lot he knew without it being explained. “We could have him test into it. See what he knows. He could take online courses for the basic stuff until he’s ready for school. Then, he could go to a real school, make some real normal friends, and since we’re staying here, he wouldn’t have to worry about leaving every few weeks like we did when we were kids. Sure, we’d probably have to teach him a few things like socializing and consent, but he would grow up like kids do.” He couldn’t help how fond he sounded of that idea, but he really wanted to for Jack. He still had a chance to get out of this life. “If you do, I’m filming it,” he laughed. “I gotta admit, I haven’t been looking at them that much, but you clearly do. Why do you have such strong opinions on leggings?”

“Let’s just hope there’s not too much of history repeating itself here. I’d rather not see Chuck again.” Sure, there were people he did want to see like Bobby and Cas, but Chuck was last on that list. The angels seemed certain that he was gone from this universe which was a relief because it mean that for once free will was winning, but Dean wasn’t sure he believed them entirely. Maybe they just thought Chuck was gone because that’s what Chuck wanted them to think. “You’re probably right,” he chuckled. “They had a whole planet named Apokolips with firepits and shit. Let’s hope that’s not part of this universe.” That was the other difficult thing. Although they knew they were in some DC comics universe, they didn’t know what was canon this one was following. Dean could guess at events that were yet to happen but he couldn’t know for sure. “Coming here burned out a lot of his power,” he pointed out. Dean was always the hardest on Jack about learning how to use his powers to benefit the world. He supposed now Jack felt some sort of emptiness where his powers used to be and he was probably compensating for that. “We can’t bring those back but maybe we can show him it’s not too bad being near human. I dunno how much he’ll like school. He’s missed out a lot and he’ll struggle  bit but we could probably find him a tutor for subjects that he struggles in.” Jack had a lot of drive when he put his mind into things. Dean was sure he’d be fine in school. It would be an adjustment period, but he’d make it through. He snorted and waved Sam off when he teased him about his high opinion on leggings. “I had to buy Zee a Christmas present so a nice lady at the department store gave me a crash course on leggings. They’re more complicated than you think.”

😈😈😈

She nodded. It wasn’t the ideal for other demons, but Belphegor wasn’t exactly like other demons. “What’s so surprising about it? This is where all the drama is. It’s entertaining at the least, and a lot of them just tend to follow whatever Lucifer does. You don’t incite a rebellion without having some followers.” She shrugged before bursting into laughter at what he said about her and Cupid. “Oh, I like that one!” she giggled. “You should tell that to Cupid. She’d get a kick out of it. But no.” She cleared her throat to stop the laughter. “No, we’re nothing like that. I’m more like … an evil stepmother. She doesn’t like me because I get on her case when she does something stupid.”

“Given their history, the family drama could pop off into a war at any time,” he pointed out. It would probably be better if they all just avoided each other rather than congregated in one place. There was more risk of one of them pissing the others off and inciting ancient beef. “You already had one guy who didn’t wanna follow the rules.” Sure, he was banished now but who’s to say some of the others wouldn’t follow in his lead when old family ties became more of a nuisance rather than a benefit. So Maze’s job was cleaning up after Cupid and probably Belphegor by default. “On the bright side I guess that technically makes you a MILF or a garbage man depending on how you look at it.”

🦥🦥🦥

“What do I do with them?” Belphegor repeated like it was a ridiculous question. “I don’t really do anything with them. The reapers just drop them off, and they dance with the snakes.” It wasn’t exactly dancing. The damned were thrown into a pit of snakes and had to constantly keep moving to avoid being bitten. Of course, no matter how much they moved or even tried to keep still, the snakes always kept biting. It was entertaining to watch though. “If they’re friends of mine though, they just hang out at my place in Hell. Shakespeare still performs plays there every so often.” They thought it was pretty nice all things considered. Sam was a friend, so they wouldn’t have let anything bad happen to him. “I can take you to go see him sometimes if he does,” they offered optimistically.

“Dance with the snakes?” he raised a brow. It seemed harmless but Dean had a feeling it wasn’t. “Sounds exhausting. What kind of people usually end up in your kingdom?” Being lazy hardly felt like a sin. So what if some days you just wanted to lay around in your PJs and not do any work? That hardly seemed like a crime worth punishing. His shoulders eased a little when they remarked that their friends usually didn’t have it so bad in their kingdom. They’d said Sam helped them with something important so Dean hoped if his brother did end up in hell they’d consider him a friend. “Authentic Shakespeare plays is something Sam would enjoy but let’s hope he doesn’t end up in your kingdom anytime soon. He started some kind of renovation project with the reaper he traded places with, Charlie. It would be a shame for him to check out now.” Just when things were starting to settle and he had a chance to maybe have something normal. At least, Dean would encourage him to try.

🦌🦌🦌

Sam sighed. “Can we not find out?” He didn’t think Dean was really going to do it, but sometimes Dean surprised him in the worst ways. “Literally,” Sam agreed. “We weren’t exactly with him when he sent everyone back. Only Zach was, and Zach didn’t come back with us either.” Sam didn’t really know every detail, but he could connect the dots on a few things. “I’m guessing that he stayed back in that universe of went to a new one after he sent Zach back too.” Even Zach didn’t really know what happened to him. “Me too,” Sam agreed. None of them needed to deal with more trouble from Zach, especially Zatanna. He rose a brow as Dean recalled what happened while he was gone. “A pirate ship? That’s dramatic. How did that help with the curses?”

He frowned when Sam asked him to not fuck around and find out. “What? It’s like an endurance test,” he joked. He had no intention of finding out how much his liver could actually handle. Especially when Charlie couldn’t tell if he was close to expiring or not. He nodded as Sam surmised that the authorities probably didn’t have Mxy in custody. That was a shame. The imp would get to play that trick on another poor, unsuspecting soul and they wouldn’t be as lucky as Zach to come back from that. “Well, hopefully Mxy is at least done with this universe. Especially since the fuzz is onto him here.” He grabbed another donut as they waited for the traffic light to turn green. “Dramatic? I think you mean cool. Turns out Belphegor’s twin in that other universe has the same curse and he knows about it. He was able to give Zee some the information he had about it before he left. Him being here though caused a pretty big ripple effect with the angels so it’s probably a good idea to stay away from Bells for a little bit. None of ‘em are really in a good place right now.”