* HEARTLESS / HIRSUTE.

Send one to see how my muse reacts. 

Trigger Warnings: violence, death, criminal activity

“I can’t believe we stole a car.”

“My ID guy can get us in.”

“Remember – trust no one.”

“You owe everything you’ve got to me. Never forget that.”

“You and me, we’re partners, right?”

“Did you get the money?”

“Cops are coming to pick me up for questioning. My bet is, you’re next.”

“We better lay low for awhile.”

“Just act natural.”

“The cops will probably talk to us. Play it cool, and we’ll be fine.”

“I think we’ll be okay. They can’t prove anything.”

“No matter what they threaten to do to me, don’t tell them anything.”

“Let me take the fall. You’ve worked too hard to go to jail now.”

“I’d NEVER rat you out! The cops were just trying to get under your skin.”

“What do you think? You trust them?”

“I remember when you still had rules. When you still had limits.”

“This isn’t just about money.”

“I won’t survive jail!”

“One day we’ll be rich, and we won’t have to do this anymore.”

“It will be so nice to be in a country where we can’t get thrown in jail at any moment.”

“I think every person in America would like to see us dead.”

“No. No! We are NOT going to jail now! We’ve worked too hard!”

“Shut up and keep digging.”

“We need money, stat. You got a gun?”

“God, could you get them to stop screaming?”

“Shoot me. It’ll make them trust you.”

“Okay, last resort – we kill him and dump the body, then get the fuck out of Dodge.”

“We can’t hide forever. Our faces are on every news network in America.”

“We split the profits, 50/50. What do you say?”

“Where have you been?! I was worried the cops got to you!”

“You clean up the blood, I’ll start burning the body.”

“There’s no escaping this, you know. We’re in too deep.”

“Tell them the whole thing was my idea.”

“Make no mistake – we’re partners, but I’m in charge. Not you.”

“What we need are entirely new identities.”

“I don’t become involved with my partners. It over-complicates things.”

“Don’t you think we’re a bit old for this Bonnie and Clyde business?”

“I don’t trust any of them. Just you.”

“God, what’s happened to us?”

“Retirement? Yeah, we’re probably not gonna live long enough for that to be an issue.”

“Keep your head down. Last thing we need is to get recognized.”

“I’ll cover for you.”

“Run. I’ll catch up.”

“Jesus Christ, we’re like a bad murder ballad.”

❝ Hail and well met, my dude. ❞

❝ Abraca fuck you. ❞ 

❝ God lied to me! ❞

❝ Kiss my ass, you sanctimonious bastard. ❞

❝ You are going to be amazing. ❞

❝ Liches get stitches. ❞

❝ Are you my friend? ❞

❝ Go out and do good. ❞

❝ Yo thug, what’s your name? I’m about to tentacle your dick! ❞

❝ No dogs on the moon, they just run off the goddamn thing. ❞

❝ I’m afraid no one else will have me. ❞

❝ Everything I drink tastes like keylime gogurt to me. ❞

❝ Don’t let them erase me. ❞

❝ What brings you happiness? ❞

❝ Bad news, comprades, this place is magic as hell. ❞

❝ I find that not killing people is very easy. ❞

❝ Everything is for keepsies if you’re sneaky about it. ❞

❝ You’re a coward and I hate you. ❞

❝ Boy you’re not intimidated by me at all, are you? ❞

❝I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! ❞

❝ These potions get you reeeeeal fucked up. ❞

❝ Once you pop, the time control don’t stop. ❞

❝ Hot diggity shit. That is a baller cookie.❞

❝ We don’t have to talk. Let’s just…let’s just watch this together. ❞

❝ So here’s my solution, and I think you’re gonna find it very equitable: I’m not gonna shoot you with this giant crossbow. ❞

❝ I’m about to smooch your fucking brains out, babe. ❞

❝ You’re going to have to fight and you’re gonna win. ❞

❝ I’ll be having my body back, you undead fuck! ❞

❝ You fucking took everything from me! ❞

❝ How would you like to live forever? ❞

❝ I am but a simple, idiot wizard. ❞

❝ Yeah! It’s our first kill! …So why am I so horny? I’m broken inside… ❞

❝ You know…do whatever you want. I don’t care anymore. ❞

❝ Existence, (name), life? Is horrible. To exist, to live, is horrible. ❞

❝ Sometimes there aren’t good decisions. Sometimes…there’s just decisions.❞

❝ I appreciate what you’re trying to do. And I’m on board for whatever the plan is. But understand this: I have nothing, and I don’t give a shit. The world is ending and I. Don’t. Care.  ❞

❝ I will say that if you wanted to lure me in there you should’ve stayed handsome, my fella.❞ 

❝ Who stops serving pancakes at 9am?! I missed the whole thing! I had to get Cheetos! ❞

❝ I cannot stress enough how uninterested I am in this. ❞

❝ I’m not gonna be the one to pull the trigger on an entire civilization. I won’t do it.  ❞

❝ What brings me joy is…life.  I think you can find joy anywhere in life. ❞

❝ I don’t always do things right. And I don’t always do things smart. But whatever I do, I find joy in it. ‘Cause at the end of the day, that’s all you’ve got. ❞

❝ Tell ya what, if we ever meet each other somewhere in infinity, you can apologize to me and tell me you were wrong. ❞ 

❝ I have an update from [ Name ] Central. Uh, I have updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing! ❞

❝ I’m good, amigo. The bleeding’s all internal. That’s where the blood is supposed to be.❞

❝ I think there was probably a time where I had joy, where I experienced fleeting happiness or anger or fear, but God, it’s just been so long. ❞

❝ I am a man, (name), who knows the answer to the question of why we’re all here. I didn’t like it. ❞

❝ To have friendship, (name), it requires you to…love someone and be invested in your shared happiness and these things, (name): friendship, love, happiness? They’re all so…small. In the grand scheme of things, they last a second. ❞

❝ Look it got – WE got dark back there. I know this journey’s been tough, and it’s only going to get harder. But we can’t allow ourselves to get to that place again. ❞

❝We’ve lost a lot. And there’s a lot more we might lose. But one thing we do have is the thing people in love rarely ever have enough of – and it’s time. ❞

a collection of starters from the netflix original, santa clarita diet! feel free to change pronouns/names when necessary.

‘the less time spent at a crime scene, the better.’

‘i enjoy the internet.’

‘did this guy have a family?’

‘there was never a moment i wasn’t scared of you.’

‘you’re just a small, sad man.’

‘maybe you only treated me so badly because someone else did the same thing to you.’

‘still, you can suck my dick.’

‘your shirt’s torn, what happened?’

‘honey, i need you to do something for me.’

‘the food wasn’t that great. stay away from the clams.’

‘you have chunks of people in your freezer.’

‘you can’t just leave.’

‘i can’t be here if the police come.’

‘don’t treat it like a placemat at chilli’s.’

‘do i miss the way things were? sometimes.’

‘i think, maybe i was the dead one.’

‘i got tazed. that’s cool.’

‘and so, unable to say ‘no’ to authority, the teenager stupidly went below the house.’

‘no, seriously, don’t pass out.’

‘my sense of humour can be a real jerk sometimes.’

‘you got an expensive habit, loverboy.’

‘how very retro.’

‘did you follow me home?’

‘i love you, and we have each other. everything else, we can figure out.’

‘what the fuck is this?’

‘it’s my fault. all of it.’

‘really? no one’s gonna argue that?’

‘sometimes i do feel overwhelmed. everywhere.’

‘do you ever feel like your best isn’t enough?’

‘i never feel like i’m doing enough.’

‘finally, something wonderful is happening.’

‘don’t give up on me.’

‘i hope you don’t mind my calling.’

‘i’m as single as a hummingbird moth at the end of june. they mate at the beginning of june. i like science. and moths.’

‘we just broke up.’

‘channeling my bloodlust is key.’

‘he’s thinking… he’s thinking… he knows he screwed up…’

‘you are my beautiful wife.’

‘i don’t wanna lay low.’

‘i wanna make my mark. i wanna shake shit up.’

‘by god, i’m gonna have an apple today.’

‘what am i gonna do with you?’

‘don’t you start.’

‘you need to stop.’

‘why don’t you make me, officer?’

‘you’re too impulsive.’

‘you’re right, it’s too dangerous.’

‘if anyone investigates his disappearance, they could find it.’

‘i’m in a fucking bad mood.’

‘are you sure he lived alone?’

‘i keep thinking about what could’ve happened.’

‘do you wanna talk about it?’

‘i’m sorry. i should’ve been there.’

‘you’re here now, so…’

‘we kinda hit it off, and they’ve been texting me to hang out, so…’

‘we’re breaking and entering right now.’

“Please don’t cry.”

“Please don’t hurt me.”

“Please don’t strip right now.”

“Please don’t try to twerk.”

“Please don’t make me dance with you.”

“Please don’t forget how much I love you.”

“Please don’t take off your pants.”

“Please don’t sell my nudes!”

“Please don’t overthink this.”

“Please don’t kiss me again.”

“Please don’t yell.”

“Please don’t try to stop me.”

“Please don’t hurt yourself.”

“Please don’t tell anyone.”

“Please don’t worry about it.”

“Please don’t get yourself killed.”

“Please don’t let them/him/her treat you like that.”

“Please don’t use your pathetic pickup lines on me.”

“Please don’t die!”

“Please don’t try to fight me.”

“Please don’t throw things.”

“Please don’t leave me.”

“Please don’t forget me.”

“Please don’t ask me about that.”

“Please don’t read that diary.”

“Please don’t recite bad poetry.”

“Please don’t eat inedible objects.”

“Please don’t interrupt me.”

“Please don’t do this.”

“Please don’t call the cops.”

“Please don’t feed the animals.”

“Please don’t treat him/her/them like that.”

“Please don’t look.”

“Please don’t love me.”

“Please don’t bring up the past.”

“Please don’t steal from babies.”

“Please don’t wear a culturally insensitive costume.”

“Please don’t drink anymore.”

“Please don’t take photos.”

“Please don’t make me go.”

“Please don’t lose faith in me.”

“Please don’t make me ask you again.”

“Please don’t be snarky.”

“Please don’t touch anything.”

“Please don’t break anything.”

“Please don’t wake me.”

“Please don’t stand so close to me.”

“Please don’t kill me.”

“Please don’t kill them/him/her.”

“Please don’t forgive me/him/her/them.”

“Please don’t correct my spelling.”

“Please don’t assume you can kiss me.”

“Please don’t try to run away.”

“Please don’t speak to me like that.”

“Please don’t speak to him/her like that.”

“Please don’t underestimate me.”

“Please don’t speak.”

“Please don’t panic.”

“Please don’t give up on me.”

“Please don’t hug me.”

“Please don’t touch me.” 

“Please don’t ask me about my parents.” 

“Please don’t stop loving me.” 

“Please don’t let him/her/them hurt me.”

“Please don’t call me anymore.”