FAITHFULNESS

“you wanna get married? today?”

“i’m serious.”

“i… i’m not getting married.”

“well, no, besides being too young, having no place to live, you feeling a little awkward about being the only cheerleader with a husband, gimme one good reason why not?”

“he loves the car. he hates his wife.”

“can we please get the hell out of here? this place gives me the creeps.”

“why don’t you take the kids and go back to the clubhouse?”

“are you suggesting that i’m not who i say i am?”

“i’m suggesting you leave before i have to get snooty.”

“this’ll be a hoot.”

“you touch me i yell ‘rat’.”

“i weep for the future.”

“(name), please. you’ve gone too far. you’re gonna get busted.”

“a) you can never go too far. b) if i’m gonna get busted it is not gonna be by a guy like that.”

“(name), dear friend, you thought we wouldn’t have any fun. shame on you.”

“why should he get to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants?”

“what makes him so goddamn special?”

“i used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it.”

“his/her/their home life is really twisted.”

“he’s the only guy i know who feels better when he’s sick.”

“if i had to live in that house i’d probably pray for disease, too.”

“we’re pinched for sure.”

“no way, (name). only the meek get pinched. the bold survive.”

“let’s surrender.”

“the game is up. your ass is mine.”

“think i broke my thumb.”

“do you realize if we played by the rules right now we’d be in gym?”

“i hate him.”

“i’m afraid that in my weakened condition i could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences.”

“i’m sorry, i mean, i know you don’t care, but it does mean my ass.”

“you think i don’t care?”

“i know you don’t care.”

“oh, that hurts, (name).”

“he’s licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands.”

“we’d like to play a little tune for you. it’s one of my personal favorites and i’d like to dedicate to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today.”

“(name)! get off of the float!”

“you know, as long as i’ve known him everything works for him. there’s nothing he can’t handle. i can’t handle anything.”

“i can’t handle anything.”

“(name) can do anything.”

“you’re crazy!”

“what do you think (name) is going to do?”

“you’re pyschotic! you are, man. you’re out of your goddamned mind. i can’t believe you did that.”

“who would believe that i was in a parade? who the hell am i?”

“there is an intruder, male, caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in my kitchen.”

“i’m in danger, okay? i am very cute. i am very alone and i’m very protective of my body.”

“i need help!”

“here’s where (name) goes berserk.”

[one long sustained scream]

“i think (name) might have blown a microchip or two.”

“(name) has never been in love. at least no one’s ever been in love with him.”

“you can’t respect somebody who kisses your ass.”

“sooner or later everybody goes to the zoo.”

“(first name + last name), you’re my hero.”

“why don’t you go home?”

“why don’t you put your thumb up your butt?”

“i realized it was ridiculous. being afraid, worrying about everything, wishing i was dead, all that shit. i’m tired of it.”

“it’s the best day of my life.”

“did you see me change out of my clothes by the jacuzzi?”

“i’m bullshit.”

“i put up with everything.”

“my old man pushes me around. i never say anything.”

“well, he’s not the problem. i’m the problem.”

“who do you love? who do you love?”

“i’m just tired of being afraid.”

“you killed the car.”

“we’ll wait for your father to come home and when he gets here i’ll tell him that i did it. he hates me anyway.”

“he’s gonna marry me.”

you’re on trial for being too delicate and beautiful.

maybe, as always, i’m right and you’re wrong.

in the words of my niece, you’re cancelled.

you’re not my dad… like, later… LATER!

the horniness is interfering with my ability to hear. 

if a teen says you look cool, does that make you cool?                                                

your eyes look like semicolons, so that must mean you’re tryna fuck.

i feel like a prisoner in this panera! 

i MIGHT die. i WILL get a boner.

i really do think i don’t have that many complex emotions.

it doesn’t fucking matter! i’m tryna make my spaghetti over here. 

there’s a dog in a bee costume at the bottom of the email.

oh, wow, so, you are like, wanting sex TIPS?

teach a kid to do art, he’ll be unemployed his entire life. teach a kid to hang, and he can chill forever. 

because, apparently, i’m not allowed to talk about fifty shades of grey anymore.

how much of your anger is cabinet-based?

i’ve been doing hammock wrong.

i’m a fucking adult and they have no legal authority over me.

i want you dead, you dirty fucking rat.

what i’m saying to you is that he has discrete jeans for sex.

can a powerpoint be sexy?

i’m glad god punished blockbuster for their hubris.

i dropped a fidget spinner on my baby’s head.

your thumbs will not save you.

please tell me how to sedate the ravioli monster inside me.

SHRIMP! HEAVEN! NOW!

i have a great suggestion: go to jail.

check out this ceramic jimmy buffet parrot i got her.

you’re rearranging deck chairs on the titanic, my friend.

that fuckin’ veggie bonanza got my dick rock hard, let’s get home to our marital bed.

the man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night but one.

remember last night when you punched my butt?

there was so much goddamn dumb stuff in that sentence you just said it would take us a week to tear it apart.

i’m trying to stay posi. i’’m trying to march into positivity this month.

“ i am so much happier now that ____’s dead. “

“ this is my special day. “

“ ____ doesn’t joke. she’s/he’s too… constricted. “

“ divorces are easy. it’s marriages that are impossibly hard. “

“ we’ve been watching you since what happened. you know that, don’t you? “

“ you’re not easy to replace. “

“ what’s in it for you? “

“ whatever you want, i will do it. i will get you anything. “

“ power is there for the taking, ____. you just have to be smart about how. “

“ you can hide from it, but it won’t hide from you. “

“ nothing good comes fast, you know that. “

“ your work was always so inventive and fresh. almost as good as mine. “

“ i prefer things… buried. “

“ i’m totally done with ____. done with that. “

“ ____, i am serious. i am not going down that road again. it almost killed me. “

“ life is just a series of trade-offs, ____. for all of us. “

“ you might disagree with my decisions, but i will never be able to apologize for them. “

“ we are going to get through this. you have to know that. “

“ this isn’t something you can fix, ____. “

“ if we’re being honest, we’d both admit that i deserve more. and more than you. “

“ are you always this much of a dick? “

“ when a bullet goes through you, it leaves something behind. “

“ you know if you’d quit smoking, you’d look, like, ten years younger. “

“ winners win alone. you can’t go down that path anymore. “

“ i’m fully capable of doing my job without any approval from you. “

“ i know you think i’m a self-serving prick. “

“ some things are bigger than the job and this is one of them. “

“ you have to start taking care of yourself right now, or it’s going to catch up with you. “

“ i need you to keep an eye on things. “

“ i have to be discreet. i can’t let people know i’m looking into things. “

“ i think i have something that might interest you. “

“ management is not easy. it’s watching someone do the job worse than you. that’s why it sucks. “

“ i don’t tell people what to investigate. “

“ what’s important to you? “

“ just so you know, i’m kind of a big deal in this industry. “

“ you do everything i say, exactly when i say it. “

“ if you make me look bad, i will kill you. “

“ when you love somebody, and they don’t love you back it’s… shit. “

“ life’s shit. get used to it. “

“ this is everything i could find right now. the rest is going to take more time. “

“ this is never gonna be solved without you, right? “

“ i can’t solve it, ____. i can’t investigate it. my hands are tied. “

“ you do not get to come here without an invitation anymore! “

“ haven’t you heard? i’m moving up in the world. “

“ you always said you were going to kill ____. “

“ if i killed everybody who betrayed me, there would be nobody left. “

“ ____ is alive. “

“ you really like that, huh? it’s not even yours. “

“ oh, get over it, ____. i have all my best thoughts in the bath. “

“ so, you thought this was a good idea? “

“ i’m practicing my characters, like you told me. “

“ if you want to amuse yourself, go crazy. but i will not have you put both of our futures at risk. “

“ you have to understand that once i tell you about this, your life is in danger. “

“ did you take this job thinking it would be easier? if you did, quit now. because it’s only getting tougher. “

“ you know what’s scary, ____, is how much i regret telling you its a date. “

“ if it makes you feel better, i’ve just had the novel experience of being stood up. “

“ it’s not fun, ____, using people you once loved. “

“ i should have shot you in the head. “

“ i can’t stop thinking about you. “

“ i’m not here for you! “

“ don’t wait for me in the dark like that. “

“ god, you’re boring. “

“ well, now you’re just looking for a reaction. “

“ i want to find my family. “

“ i’m wearing power. and to keep power, you need knowledge. “

“ admit it, ____. you wish i was here. “

“ ____’s a crook. like you. “

“ you’re so not over me. so not over me. “

“ you don’t deserve nice things if you don’t look after them. “

“ you’re so close to getting what you want. but you have to play by the rules. “

“ you are so annoying today. “

“ i am just trying to save you from yourself! “

“ you know, you really don’t have to be so dramatic. “

“ this would be a really bad way to go! “

“ are you upset because soon i’m going to be your boss? “

“ i got what you asked for. “

“ you know where my family is? “

“ just make it done, okay? “

“ you’re free now. you can be whoever you want. “

“ so, ____ was framed? “

“ if something happened to you, i would’ve only been partly responsible. that’s something i take very seriously. “

“ i do understand loss. “

“ you barely even look at me. “

“ i’m trying to tell you that i’m worried about you! “

“ you said you had everything under control. “

“ they told me you died. “

“ oh look, ____, it’s you punching me in the face. “

“ i know a killer when i see a killer, and you are a killer. “

“ ____, you are too naive. “

“ i missed you. “

“ just beat the crap out of people. it will make you feel a lot better. “

“ did you think i was dead, too? “

“ don’t you want to get out? “

“ i’m not like you. you’re always strong. “

“ don’t stay here for ___. she wants to control you. “

“ how many times have you been married? “

“ you don’t want to dance? “

“ you are freaking me out. “

“ am i supposed to be impressed by that. “

“ you always laugh at things that aren’t funny. “

“ i don’t want you to be here anymore. “

“ this is my home. “

“ you’re not a part of this family. you do not belong here. “

“ don’t pretend that you were an angel. “

“ don’t pretend that you were a mother. “

“ you are the darkness. you have always been the darkness. “

“ i’ve killed a lot of people. “

“ you were bad from the beginning. “

“ you ruined me. you took everything from me. “

“ oh, i think i need to kill you, ____. “

“ i am my mother’s daughter/son. “

“ you’re not a child. “

“ i want to feel like a child. “

“ ____ must avoid all stress. you’re stress. “

“ it’s so good to see your eyes. “

“ i am going to find out why this happened to you. “

“ i’ve wanted to meet you for a long time. i’ve been watching you. “

“ you’re remarkable. “

“ are you trying to seduce me? “

“ ____. is that your real name? “

“ do you know why i wanted to meet you in-person? “

“ your first assignment in your new role is very exciting. a big job that will cause a great stir. “

“ i was told i’d be giving orders. “

“ this is the same stuff i was doing before. this is bullshit. “

“ you bargained for what you wanted, and we’re giving it to you. “

“ you know you can’t touch ____. “

“ maybe ____’s trying to torture you. “

“ why won’t you give me a break? “

“ sometimes you need to let it win. “

“ i’m afraid you’ve interrupted a rather delicate operation. “

“ drought can be endured, but rot is an instant killer. “

“ someone tried to kill you, i intend to find out who. “

“ just be very careful of ____. “

“ i’m coming with you. “

“ your plan to get out, i’m in. “

“ ____ deserved it. “

“ of course ____ deserved it, but you’re not supposed to do it. “

“ you are supposed to grow up and realize ____ isn’t actually evil. “

“ it’s too dangerous for us all to go together. “

“ we can’t go together. “

“ once i’m safe, you’ll come. i promise. but that’s the only way we’ll make it. “

“ you haven’t told anyone about this, have you? “

“ i don’t think you really want this. “

“ you know what it means? it means you have to leave everything, and ____. “

“ the plan only works if nobody knows there is one. “

“ are you… working for them, ____? “

“ i’m asking you for the same reason you asked me. because we don’t trust each other. “

“ should i… trust you? “

“ none of us are to be trusted, that’s why we work here. “

“ do you think i’m dumb? i’m not going anywhere with you. “

“ come on! it’ll be fun. “

“ you can do anything you want. anything. “

“ i know what you’re trying to do. you’re not coming with me. “

“ do you know how annoying it is when you have to be around two people in love? “

“ if it’s that bad, kill ____. “

“ you’re a real role model, you know that? “

“ you are totally delusional. “

“ i’m not in a rush, i’m just impatient. “

“ what did you want with my child? “

“ i’m going to ask you again, ____, and you’re going to answer correctly. “

“ get out. “