This is Odd

Dear Internet,

Recently my sleep has been interrupted by flashbacks of the past when I was a first responder but it's the faces of family and friends that I can't save not my actual patients. And the few times I had a gun pulled on me while trying to save a life, but this time it was my father or grandfather holding the gun to my head as I tried to save him from dying. Every time I'd wake up just as they pull the trigger. My anxiety meds aren't working to help right now. Hopefully better news soon.

This is,

My roommate is an utter dumbass he has to work at noon yet he decided to drink and smoke weed until 3am.

I told him I'm not going to wake his drunk ass up but he keeps asking me. I mean I get he's drunk but really how many times do I have to say "you need to go to bed" before he listens. Cause every 30min he knocks on my door and asks me to wake him up so he can get to work on time. I can't get any sleep because of him so how the hell am I going to wake him up when I can't even get any sleep so I can wake up myself.

This is...

I feel strangely empty inside yet my mind feels calm. Normally when I'm depressed my anxiety starts going off the rails and my mind races but that's not the case right now. I know I'm depressed but I'm happy at the same time. It's almost like a momentary reprieve where I can just "feel" for the first time in almost a year. I know this can't last because nothing ever does but it's nice to just be ok with my emotions rather than suppress them with medicine. But tomorrow I can refill my meds so I have to go back to the warm fog of placated contentment rather than this empty chill of real genuine sadness. I think I'll miss it when it's gone again

I guess this is me...

This is...