you're behind my eyelids when i'm all alone;

Could this day get any worse? Answer. Yes. Always Yes.

Colin had taken his lunch break to walk up to the boardwalk to grab an unhealthy (but especially satisfying) lunch of boardwalk fries with vinegar and polish it off with an ice cream cone.

Annie had come into the mini-golf earlier with some friends and Colin had tried to act cool. He’d tried to impress her, but all he did was make a huge fool about of himself. All he could do was replay everything he had said over and over in his mind and cringe. He’d made a lot of bad ocean puns since the mini-golf theme was well … the ocean.

He’d literally said, Holy shrimp! This scampi happening! when they’d walked in the door.

He wanted to fall through the floor. Someone bury me, he thought, I’m dead.

He’d been so lost in his own horrifying thoughts that he hadn’t noticed that something even more horrifying had been approaching. Officer Runkin.

Colin looked up from his vanilla ice cream and rainbow sprinkles and looked the cop in the face. He could feel sweat starting to form on his brow. “I DIDN’T STEAL THIS ICE CREAM!” He yelled, “I’VE NEVER STOLEN ANYTHING BEFORE EVER. EXCEPT THIS ERASER IN THE FOURTH GRADE BECAUSE IT WAS OF YODA’S HEAD, OKAY, AND I REALLY WANTED IT. AND OH MY GOD. I’VE JUST CONFESSED TO A CRIME. PLEASE DON’T ARREST ME. PLEASE DON’T. I CAN’T SURVIVE JAIL. I CAN’T.”

It was all Stu could do to keep from laughing then and there. But if there was ever a man who would be pegged ‘least likely to ever commit a crime’, it was this one.

Not that Stu would tell him that. This was, after all, one of Stu’s only opportunities to have a little fun.

“What was that, sir? About the ice cream. You said you didn’t steal it. Why would you bring that up unless you had a guilty conscious?”

He cocked his head, raising one brow as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to return to the scene of the crime. Where didn’t you steal this ice cream from? We’ll see if the owner remembers you.”

With that, he gestured back up the boardwalk, indicating that the man should lead the way.

“By the way, what is your name, son? I’ll have to run it through the system to make sure that eraser wasn’t reported missing. We might still have a bulletin out for your arrest.”

At that comment, Stu couldn’t help himself. He really did laugh. Or, it was more like a small snort which he quickly covered with a cough.

He couldn’t wait to tell Zach about this when he met up with him later. He’d be sorry he’d decided to patrol the other end of the boardwalk and missed it. Though, in all likeliness, Zach would have his own stories.

ANYWAY, i feel like stu probably gets along with all of the eastwoods? jenn and i haven’t chatted yet about how stu and ren met or anything like that. but i would imagine they’ve probably been friends for a lot of years? and since ward and birdie are also bffs, maybe their families are just close? (or, like, the kids. stu doesn’t really get along with his parents, tbh.)

but oh man. i also feel like stu might see kara a lot when he’s at work? like i feel like a lot of the weird situations kara ends up sometimes catch the attention of the police? and kara has probably witnessed several robberies and things like that and stu has been the officer called in several times he’s always like “why do these things always happen to you???”

BUT ALSO KARA TEASING HIM ABOUT HIS INABILITY TO USE TECHNOLOGY. stu is like “i was clearly born in the wrong era. maybe i’m really from 1910. and they love me there.” and he probably gives her a wry smile like ~maybe i’m a time traveler, maybe i’m just technology challenged. who knows.

I FEEL LIKE THESE TWO HAVE SOME REALLY AMAZING AND CUTE BANTER AND IT’S ADORABLE. especially because stu was probably initially really quiet around kara and i don’t think kara is ever quiet so many when he ended up being more comfortable around her, he started joking with her and now they’re really cute and bantery?

okay so ward and birdie are bffs so I feel like ward would know stu??? if not, he def knows ward from uh, brushes with the law. I don’t think he’s a huge problem, but I feel like he gets drunk a lot and he probably gets pretty rowdy/there may have been some cases of trespassing/damages to property while he’s been intoxicated but he’s also super rich so he def gets bailed out/pays whatever the damages are + some probs … and yeah, ward basically feels like he can do what he wants/when he wants and if its a problem, he’s got money and he thinks that that solves everything so … #facepalm

and basically that was stu’s, like, ~initiation or way of checking ward out to make sure he was a quality candidate for birdie to be friends with??? and then every time he saw him after that conveniently had no memory of that ever happening???? honestly, if that’s the case i think stu would have literally no problem with ward. he’d probably think ward needs to make better choices but also feel like he’s an okay person for birdie to hang out with?

Honestly, for Birdie, I think she’s just as weirded out by her friends thinking he’s hot and liking him. Like she’s just like ew no, it’s Stu. She’s not too happy about Sally and Annie’s obvious liking for Stu. She’s like can we just not find siblings attractive? Ok thanks XD So she probably is always like let’s shave your beard Stu, maybe that’ll make them stop liking you. Or maybe if we make you wear glasses? Like honestly, she’s just as lost about it as him.

IMAGINE BIRDIE AND BOBBY ON A DATE THO. I think I’d die. Like it would be so funny. I’m pretty sure she’d have zero patience for him or be like: look let’s just buy some alcohol and I’ll make us drinks and then we can tell everyone we tried it out or whatever.

HAHA Birdie just hijacked this post for a moment. OK. SO yes I think Annie always calls up Stu when she’s in a pickle with the law. I feel like she’s always expecting him to get her out of it, but like he doesn’t really? But she just likes knowing “she has an in with an officer” ? LOL

And yes, that can be a thing of Birdie being all like fuck it, just gonna try this out and set Stu up with Annie. Then she’ll just take Sally and Kara along with her for them all to watch the ship sink slowly XD no she probably wouldn’t but she’d just be like sorry Stu but like at least this way Annie won’t ask anymore just be super weird and awkward and that’ll do it!

AHAHAHA. oh man. now i’m imagining birdie giving stu a makeover to make him less attractive and like buys him fake glasses and gives him different clothes and then takes him out to dinner with sally and annie and they’re just like “wHAT DID YOU DO HE’S EVEN HOTTER THAN BEFORE” and birdie and stu are just like *facepalm* “i give up”

BUY SOME ALCOHOL. bobby is just like “why didn’t you start with that. alcohol would’ve made this far more bearable.” and oh man. that would be such a disaster. and so hilarious. and weirdly i can also see it eventually getting better. .... we should do this. bobby and birdie should go out ....

AHAHA. i do that. i cross post with literally all of my characters because i’m lazy and its easier, ahaha. also i literally had to scroll up to see which character this was even supposed to be. *facepalm* WE ARE GOOD AT THINGS ANNIE.

SHE HAS AN IN WITH AN OFFICER. THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. also wait. i just had an idea. va beach should so totally have a policeman’s ball every year and what if stu can never find a date so birdie helps him come up with someone and maybe he always ends up going with annie???

but also that could be more of a ~favor thing and less of an actual date thing? and maybe that’s why annie asks birdie to set her up with stu on a real date? AND OH MAN. BIRDIE, SALLY AND KARA WATCHING THEIR DATE. THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. i’m picturing them all camped out in a booth wearing sunglasses and hiding behind menus and eventually stu just excuses himself slides into their booth and is like “ladies, i’m a police officer. please stop insulting my intelligence. also birdie can i try that scampi? it looks delicious.” .... this is literally how stu escapes from a date, ahahahaha. AND THEN ANNIE SHOULD COME OVER THERE TOO. and their date just jumps to a different table, ahahaha. okay but that would be hilarious.

OMG, I tooootally think they’d be friends!!!  For one thing, I imagine they’ve known each other since ~before Chris’ divorce and that’s been awhile and basically if you’re in w one bro in the Selznick household, you’re basically automatically in with the others <3  As for Karen…that was probs an issue during the divorce but I think at this point, they kind of avoid the subject in an effort to protect Chris’ feelings, yknow?  So I doubt it’s too much of an issue, now?  Unless she shows up in which case, Will isn’t gonna be too happy to see her hahahah  But anyway esp since he’s got alot of similarities to them, I can def see him sort of accepting Stu into the greater Selznick clan and broing out alot <33333

yaaaaaaas. i love that stu is practically a selznick, ahaha. and honestly i think chris is more the odd man out when they’re all together than stu is?? because chris is more the bright sheep in their sea of dark wood and plaid, haha. so i can definitely see stu hitting it off with will and being friends with him too.

and yes! stu definitely knew chris before the divorce. stu is from va beach so i think he’s been friends with chris since the selznicks moved to va beach. and he’s probably been a ~fixture in their lives all that time. and so he’s been through the divorce with chris and is probably pretty happy that chris is finally coming back to himself and not hurting so much from it.

though stu is in the unique position of not really taking sides? because i think he saw the viewpoints of both karen and chris and saw that they had both been wrong about things and each took it out on the other differently?? so while stu supports them both, i think he also didn’t really make comments about it while it was happening? so around chris i think he just let chris talk and rant about karen and didn’t necessarily make comments? and then with karen, i think it was more of a phone friendship during those days and he did the same with her? it’s also hard because chris is literally like a brother to stu and karen is the girl he’s in love with. so how do you choose sides there?

anyway, ~tangent. sooo. what was i saying? OH. the selznicks might not even know that stu is still in contact with karen? but i definitely think that’s an issue no one really brings up around chris anymore. so stu might be ~in the clear for now. (though this will probably come back to bite him later. oops.)

Yes, exactly. As I said in my post to Sasha, I totally think the girls would have gotten along really well and still keep pretty good contact even today.

Oh gosh yes. Things would happen and Birdie would always want to tell their mom and she’d hold it in all day. She’d tell herself not to be upset because she’d get to talk to their mom when she got home. Yet, as you said, that never happened and slowly Birdie learned to just hide those painful things behind her ever pressing happy smile. And I think, that even though she never tells Stu when something is wrong, that perhaps he can tell when she’s genuinely ok and when she’s not. Like he can see when her sadness is masked by happiness, which most other people don’t even notice. So at least, he knows if something is up even if she doesn’t tell him. Ya know?

HAHAHA how funny. Yes. She has a specific date marked for every two months when Stu is suppose to go on his date with a random lady. If he finds a way around it, she deff just arranges it for his day off and is like: HAAA (farkle’s voice from girl meets world) and blows him a kiss.

oh yes! i think he can definitely tell the differences between her real happiness and the personification of it. and i think when they were younger, he tried to help her or figure out what was wrong and talk to her about it. but i’m guessing she probably just shut that right down and told him she was fine. and eventually he stopped trying to break through and was just more of a physical presence during times of stress because he didn’t know any other way to help her?

honestly i think stu would like nothing more than for birdie to confide in him and to be able to help her with her problems. but since she doesn’t, i think he’s actually genuinely angry about that and maybe his relationship with their parents is not so great because of it? i think he still has a lot of anger about how they were raised and how little they seemed to care. but i think stu is also pretty bad with feelings and maybe he takes out all of his anger in his police work? and that’s what causes the ~divide in his personality when he’s not working vs when he is?

and ahahaha. oh man. stu is like “i keep changing my days off. how do you know when i’m not working.” and birdie is like “i ask zach.” and probably just grins and stu mentally reminds himself never to tell zach anything ever again because hE DOESN’T WANT TO GO ON DATES WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK HE SHOULD GO ON DATES???? poor stu. he doesn’t know how to handle being a stud, ahaha.

AHHHHH omg okay but the fact that stu does the “I found your brother” thing b/c of his friendship w/ chris meLTS MY HEART!!!! <3333 altho I think that would weirdly grate on owen like “he shouldn’t give me a free pass” mostly b/c a) no one gives him a free pass and b) he honestly think he always deserves to be punished like he has a lot of self confidence/rejection issues that stem from his dad and honestly have been intensified after his break-up with cassie and he has like zero self worth and IT HURTS A LOT

tbh I feel like owen would have a hard time separating work stu and not work stu haha, but yeah he’s probs used to seeing him by now and he might have mellowed a little around him recently since he’s been doing better (although he may backslide w/ kristen haha but more on that later).

but mostly, I think he does like stu but he def doesn’t act like it, haha (I mean that’s true of owen and 230948320948% of people haha). I just think it’s especially weird w/ stu cuz he HAS arrested him and owen def thinks that the only reason stu is nice to him is b/c of chris and he probably has no idea that stu actually does genuinely like him??? and i think that irritates him, too, like “you don’t have to be nice to me b/c of chris” although he’d never actually say that, haha.

basically, I’m really sorry and I feel like owen acts like a jerk to stu, even though he’s chris’s bff???? I mean, I think there are some days when he’s nicer than others,  but for the most part, he isn’t really that great to him???

OWEN BBY. I WANT TO GIVE HIM ALL THE HUGS. and you know, i think stu might honestly know some of that? i think he’s been around owen enough that he probably sees him as a brother and therefore knows that a lot of the reason owen gets into trouble is because of his childhood. and maybe that’s actually why stu gives him so many free passes? because if he doesn’t, who else will?

..... also have you seen just my luck? because my brain just went “hey remember that time when chris pine had rEALLY BAD LUCK and constantly got arrested and when he did, he asked for a certain precinct because they were nice to him there? DOESN’T THAT SOUND LIKE STU AND OWEN???” (yes i will bring chris pine into everything whether he belongs or not, haha). ANYWAY, i don’t think owen would ~necessarily ask for stu but i do think they might be in a smaller precinct and maybe by now the officers know stu and when they see owen they have a “this is stu’s case” kind of thing going?

oh and also. since chris and stu have been friends for a long, long time, i think owen might have known stu before he was a police officer?? so i don’t know if that makes any difference whatsoever, but it might color the way owen sees stu? because he went from being not an authority figure to being one?

I LOVE THAT OWEN ACTS LIKE HE DOESN’T LIKE ANYONE. honestly, if i were friends with owen i would probably annoy him so much because i have leslie knope tendencies and we all know how that ends, ahahaha. (with hugs from leslie and anger from ron. BEAUTIFUL.) ... anyway, hmmm. i honestly feel like stu doesn’t really ~let people know he likes them either?? i think most of the friends stu has he’s made through other people? like he met all the selznicks through chris and by extension the connors and then he met zach through work and he met karen through chris. so the only friend that he actually ~made was chris and i feel like chris literally chose him. like stu had absolutely no say in the matter. chris just went for the first person who actually laughed at his joke and that person was stu. so with that in mind, i think stu really loves all the people in his life, he just doesn’t really tell them that? or know how to say that? so he’s probably never really given owen any indication that he actually likes him and sees him as a brother. even though he DEFINITELY feels that, it’s not really an opinion he voices.

[bad boys theme song playing in the distance]

except less bad boys and more 21 jump street lol. and not even the cool and hip 90s tv show vers but the jonah x channing vers hahahahaha. honestly i have no idea how ppl feel safe knowing zach and stu are gonna be the ones to be dispatched if anything ever happens in va beach???? lmao 

okay so here’s what i’m thinking is a typical “stu as a cop” interaction:

picture this. a little old lady is lead into the police station for interrogation. stu holds the door open for her and gently leads her through the halls to the interrogation room. again, he holds the door. he even helps her into her seat. but then, once he rounds the table, he slams his fist onto the table and yells, “alright, where were the night of the eighth, mrs. beiderman? and don’t tell me you were washing your hair! I SAW THE TAPE. I KNOW YOU TOOK MR. WARREN’S PAPER.”

...... i don’t know how anyone feels safe with them either. stu and zach are obviously characters from a tv show, not real live humans, ahahaha. i feel like we are writing a brooklyn 99 au here, ha.

AND THE LIGHTSABER. stu is just like *facepalm* “no.”