Disassociation

It’s so interesting to think this time last year I was in such a bad place . And now life is completely different. I’m in school working towards a career in a relationship with the perfect girl and moved closer to my friends again. Everything has completely changed.

I freaked the fuck out and idk why. She was so supportive and I feel bad because the day was perfect . She was perfect . I hate anxiety sometimes.

Not only did she break my heart, she broke theirs too. And that I can never forgive. And I can’t bare to tell them how badly you hurt me so I have to lie which I hate so much. I’ll never forgive you for that.

I wish I didn’t feel so out of place with my family. And I’m scared that no one will understand. And I hate to admit but d did understand how that felt and I want to tell e about it but I dont think she will get it . And it makes me nervous that if she meets them she’d hate them and worse she’d judge me because of them. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. Not anymore.

I want my baby. I hate that I can’t have her all the time. I miss her everyday and I can’t wait for the weekend. She lights up my life. I just want to be with her.

I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time crying over something I knew was only hurting me , when all along something better was around the corner. The longer I held on the longer it took for the universe to bring me whatever was for me. I was in the way of my own fate. I wish I had known.

I told her I loved her , and she told me she loved me. And it was like we were both tiptoeing around the topic, both too scared to say anything. Of course I couldn’t handle it anymore and had to be honest. Which in turn allowed her to be honest with me. My heart almost exploded, it’s like I knew but hearing it made my stomach drop. Her telling me she’d been falling for me for a while now ….. I couldn’t handle it. Because I’ve felt the same way. I’ve been secretly telling her for weeks. But I finally said it out loud. And it scared the shit out of me. And it scared the shit out of me that she loved me too. I dont want her to love me if she will stop. And thats so sad that that is my first thought. My ex really fucked me up. And she doesn’t deserve that negative energy. But I won’t lie it made me so anxious. Being in love again. I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t looking for this. But I couldn’t help but love her. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. Inside and out. Everytime I look into her eyes I feel it. And even though I’m scared, all I want to do is love her. So I think that’s what I’ll do.

Sometimes I really hate you. I hate how you made me feel about myself . I hate that I cried so much at madinas wedding , and though yes I cried because she looked beautiful I cried because in that moment I felt like I’d never get there. That no one would have me. And though I have this amazing person in my life rn, I still had that punch to my stomach where I felt like no one would ever want me in that way. That I didn’t deserve or wasn’t worthy of having that happily ever after. You did that. You are the reason I question my worth. You are the reason I cried my eyes out today. You did this. And the worst part is you will never know.

My sweet girl surprised me and came to help me get ready for school tmrw. I was feeling really overwhelmed and honestly very negative about school and she came because she wanted me tl be excited about my new life. She’s made me so incredibly happy and made everything feel a bit easier. I’m so lucky to have her in my life. She has been the best thing that has happened to me all year.

My life is so different now. And I’m supposed to start school this week, but I can’t even be excited about it. There is this negative tint on it and I’m not sure why. I want to be happy and excited but I can’t stop thinking that this isn’t how it was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be doing this alone. And now I am. Like I always have done. But I really thought this time would be different. And I was so wrong.