Disney's The Lizard King

Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials issued a statement Thursday linking the nation’s cyclosporiasis outbreak to an ancient evil corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. “After extensive laboratory testing and data analysis, our epidemiologists have determined that the current outbreak of cyclospora infections was caused by the dark sorcerer Valnos escaping from the Prism of Binding and subsequently plunging the sacred crystals that govern the flow of diarrhea through our lands into chaos and disharmony,” said acting CDC head Jay Bhattacharya, adding that residents in the states of Michigan and New York should avoid consuming bagged salads until Valnos’ corruption has been purged from the Sacred Diarrhea Crystals with the Blade of Destined Digestion.

Stressing that the change in the product line was a necessary adjustment to keep apace in the digital age, snack food manufacturer Hostess announced Monday that it would discontinue physical Twinkies. “While we know fans have been collecting Twinkies for years, we believe that online-only snack cakes will help reduce physical clutter and allow for faster cream consumption without all the lengthy installations and updates,” said Hostess general manager Judd Freitag, adding that only 3% of the brand’s current customer base still purchases tangible sponge cakes.