Oblique Lane

Which is a hard part because this year I haven't really been in the right headspace😭 How do I say it? My life has been. normal, lately. I'm constantly in a working/living headspace, which makes me productive, but... Not very poetic😭?

When I'm feeling fine, I can't really think deeply, and when I can't think deeply - I can't reach the deeper messages that I wanted to explore. It feels shallow, I feel shallow. If it makes sense?

Not saying that I have to be miserable to keep writing!!! I just have a dissociative disorder that, uh, "locks away" certain parts of my conscious that I'm not able to reach until I'm "allowed to". Funnily enough, a lot of times the whole AD lore gets locked up and I have to reread my own work multiple times to remember what it was, or sometimes even do literary analysis in encrypting stuff that were forgotten completely lol. Feelings of unreality that seep through the fic have an obvious explanation.

So yeah, currently I'm kind of locked out 😭😭😭 of being poetic and smart, I cannot connect to the characters, I cannot connect to the themes that made start this work in the first place. Which is certaintly temporary! I guess my mind just REALLY needed me to get some proper living.

I still try to write as much as I'm able to, I expand on the draft when I catch a little train of thought, I write down worthy ideas... It's just really annoying that it's not happening naturally right now, and the words sound stupid😭.

Recently switched Linux and this is one of the very first drawings on it. The program is the same CSP, except i had to figure out how to set my brush and pen sensitivity from zero (last time i did it was years ago, i was so comfortable lol).

I couldn't make it just as it was before, but i set it good enough to be comfortable. I kinda like the new pressure value more actually? Feels more like drawing in Procreate (which is embarassingly the best app I've ever used but those were other people's ipads).

The easy to read, engaging writing style? Sniper and Scout SO in-character as if it were written by original Valve writers? Little headcanons sprinkled here and there that FEEL SO CORRECT!! And, oh my god. The JUICINESS of their platonic bonds??? You know how much i appreciate it when characters, not being involved romantically, has this CLOSURE of paleolithic people snuggling together to warm themselves up to survive and to feel safer in this cold dangerous world... YOU GET IT, AUTHOR!!! Also yyeess I've been thinking of Sniper and Scout surviving in an isolated environment/situation ever since I just joined the fandom, this is the perfect setting for exploring their personalities clashing and getting closer!!! I didn't know this fic was about this exactly, yet I GOT EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED!!! GGGRWAAWRRGHHHH--

Should I even... Should I even comment on every thing i liked? It's gonna take very long and spoilery😭... Just one more thing that was very very special for me in this experience. That scene with Not-Scout and Scout... you know. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERRING TO IF YOU'VE READ IT, i DID NOT expect something like this in this fic, so when I read it, i gasped, threw my phone in the nearest continent and. realized something new about myself. ASaasasdsfdjsdfgkjsdk sorry sorry. I've actually read it months ago, but I could only finish the fanarts now sooo sorry for the wait lol. AND SORRY IF MY AO3 COMMENTS WERE WEIRD AUTHOR. I WAS VERY HYPED BUT SLEEP DEPRIVED. I couldn't stop reading. I literally could not, i was so worried about the characters it made me too anxious to fall asleep. which is. PROBABLY NOT HEALTHY. Um. YEAH IT'S NOT. Ohh and about that, by the way😭... I've already mentioned this work disturbed me. IT DID. IN THE LITERAL SENSE OF THIS WORK which is good✋, i was genuinely distressed but it's good. I like when fiction does me like that.

ICWTR made me realize that I'm not good at processing... grief? Yeah. Didn't know that before reading, but it makes sense. Sooo when the stakes started to get at a "life and death" high, when Scout got severely sick and to the point when he............. yeah. IT MADE MY HEART HURT SO MUCH AS IF I WAS LOOSING A REAL PERSON CLOSE TO ME. Words cannot express how much. I think I actually just crossed my boundaries of what I can and cannot handle in fiction😭... BUT I REGRET NOTHING!! (ICWTR has got a name of "that evil fic" in my circles though lmao).

Funny, I'm a proclaimed horror lover, yet I couldn't handle this one so well😭. To be honest, I. haven't finished it yet. Exactly because it made me too unwell to the point of almost actually grieving (GOOD THING FOR A PIECE OF FICTION), but I spoiled myself the last chapters via comments so I at least know that it'll work out in the end. I'll pick it up and finish it properly once I'm sure I can handle it well🥹... Thank you so much, author, for making this. It was everything I loved in characterization of these two, what i love in gen and handling certain themes (Scout's trauma and self-harming behaviors were so realistic and gut-wrenching, I'm still not over it🚬). I wish I could be more coherent, lol.

I'll probably draw more fanart when I come back to my senses (my vacation's just started). ICWTR is absolutely beautiful, and throughout the whole thing I kept imagining how it would look like as a comic. Which says a lot about your writing skills.

Sooo I've played the 5th chapter, and I have thoughts. Not a coherent analysis per se but... thoughts.

Something something the real villain of this chapter was amatonormativity of it all. How suffocatingly normative the festival felt... How all attractions were for two, "King and Queen" voting even though everyone in Hometown knows Nonbinary People Exist... The norms and expectations of romance Suzie immediately puts on not even knowing how it works and why it works...

When your closest friend in the world makes you a lesser priority for a new romantic partner, because it's "normal" and expected. Romance is more than friendship, after all. So this black hole in your chest and jealousy and feelings of loss are wrong and should be dealt with👍.

Does anyone else think that there's something fundamentally broken in this system or is it just me?

I'm not blaming any of the characters, hell no. They're trying their best. It's just these romantic norms... They feel almost just as oppressive as the prophecy itself. "Love will find its way to the girl" as in you don't have a choice, you WILL find your "right one", you WILL marry and be each others' only ones forever till you die, you WILL walk this road because it's NORMAL and what EVERYONE does.

Who is this spectacle even for? Noelle "Let's do something crazy" Holiday, who is in love with Suzie BECAUSE she is so not-normal, breaking rules and feeling like FREEDOM from it all? Suzie who is holding the white pen of hope? Who's aiming to save the world and be happy with her friends forever?

What the prophecy seems to imply is that this LOVE that the girl finds will be a mechanism of proceeding with the narrative --> Kris pulling away from friends and sticking to the evil shelter groupchat to reenact the prophecy further.