fluteylicious

I know I sound like your mom but you kids need to stop fucking vaping

Also STOP VAPING INDOORS AROUND OTHER PEOPLE. Holy shit, if you're gonna wreck your lungs at least give me the option not to wreck mine.

yeah okay ill reblog that

Please I’m begging yall as an asthmatic, your fruit-flavored vapor will still give people around you who are smoke-sensitive attacks. So will weed. Don’t do it inside; if you’re at a bus stop or something try to not stand right next to people or move downwind of them if you can.

Kids - don't smoke. Anything. Just don't. There are gummies now for THAT one.

come back to me most perfect of comics

you don’t realize how important lunch is until you’re wandering around thinking about how unloveable and untalented and uniquely cursed you are and then it’s 4pm and you finally eat lunch and you go Oh. oh right.

lot of people commenting on this post like "who eats lunch at 4pm that's a terrible time to eat lunch" yes. that is the point. 4pm lunch is inadvisable. 4pm lunch is not the ideal. 4pm lunch makes the mind demons real.

the hunger games is so funny its like here is my kids' book. it has a ton of dense political themes but like i explain them in a kid friendly way. don't even worry about the incredibly realistic violence. my main character called her boyfriend's mom a witch instead of a bitch so it's a kids' book. yeah there's sex trafficking

this is not against the books btw. i've been rereading them and i'm genuinely impressed collins managed to take all these super heavy themes and package them in a way that's digestible to younger audiences without diminishing it. it's important for kids to sometimes encounter Dark Shit in fiction so they can recognize it in real life.

shoutout to whoever stole my amazon package containing nothing but a single pair of shoelaces.

what if you combined a pressure cooker and a deep fryer and made a pressure fryer, the most dangerous kitchen implement in history

does this imply you want to heat cooking oil to past its boiling point at one atmosphere

*grabs america by the shoulders* we have got to lock the fuck in. south asia and the middle east are running goddamn circles around us. we have got to come up with a more dangerous way of cooking food now or we can kiss these quarter finals goodbye

I love when people are like “I can’t believe you reblogged that despite their user name, icon, bio, and last twenty posts” bc to me my dash is the only part of this website and I’m not slowing down to look at urls you could all be the same person

#spiritual successor is people being like why didnt you read my pinned before you reblogged!!!#dude i am not. i am not vetting every blog#i am here to backread for 45mins and rb 30 posts in a row and disappear#tumblr life

comedic timing

I often think about that post that was a fake dating profile for a cat that was all about chickens, like wanting someone with posable thumbs for opening chickens.

!!!!!!

This remains one of the great art objects of modern times and nobody will convince me otherwise.