nothing's for keeps except that we must keep going

my toxicity has been taking control of everything around me and i’m just so fucking scared. i wish i could scream into the void about how sorry i am for everything and the decisions i continue to make but it seems like i’ve run out of listeners. i keep trying to “better” myself but as soon as i take one step forward i take at least thirty steps back. love is definitely and absolutely never enough, and we have both always known that but i really do think he could be what i need forever if i could just get my shit together. i wish i had someone to advise me or tell me how to handle my situation. i’ve even decided to give up drinking once (and if ever) he comes back. i’m going to stop policing people and do more of policing myself. i’m going to try to actually become one of those people who i’m always jealous of – those people who are open and kind and positive. my options at this point are to completely fall apart if he doesn’t come back or try and pull myself up and be the best i can be if he does come back