My Secrets For A Buck

I’ve had a horrible few days at work

I feel brain dead and burned out

And the end of the day is always the worst

I’m reminded that on days like this I would call you

Immediately

On my walk to the car

You’d listen to me cry, tell me people are lucky to have me in their corner

I drove through your city and canyon today

It is also the same city we went shopping before your service

The same place we drove through after we laid you to rest

But I still see you alive in the places you love

I think you knew I was coming, I saw you in the sky tonight

I was depressed for weeks, months

I begged you to show me you were still around,

I hadn’t been able to see you lately

And then suddenly, there you were

In ladybugs and hummingbirds

Everywhere, all the time

You were in my dream last night, & you were happy

Finally, finally, finally

It was my wedding day, I was so behind schedule

But I just couldn’t leave you to go upstairs & get ready

It felt like when I’m visiting you at your resting place

This has been such a strange winter, Mom

The temperature is warm, my bulbs are sprouting

The air feels wrong, I don’t want warmth in February

But this week, finally, it snowed - things felt right again

Then I thought of you, buried beneath the cold snow

The other day I was thinking about you,

But this time not as my Mom, but as an individual

I thought about how you were also trying to figure out

How to live

How to manage life and family

And then you were hit by a rogue wave

Undeserving and absolutely catastrophic

I thought about how terrified you must have been

To not recognize yourself or your brain

To not feel the way you used to

The hopelessness and confusion

You didn’t deserve an ounce of it

You’re supposed to still be here

The other day I was outside talking to Dad on the phone

He told me he saw the most beautiful sunset tonight

I told him I was looking at the sunset as we spoke

A quiet, special feeling came over us as we realized

Realized we were looking at the same sunset

We were looking at you

Your birthday arrived once again

And the sky lit up for you, Mom

I went to your headstone and begged

Begged for you to visit, to stay, to show me

I cried out loud for you,

God, there’s still a huge hole in my chest

I try to stay in the warmth of grief -

The ladybugs, sunsets, rainbows, and roses

But sometimes the cold depths whisper to me

The waves remind me of your death

The permanence, the pain

So I continue to beg

When his Mom died, I opened up and talked about you.

A few weeks later he told me that one of the most helpful things when his Mom died

Was talking to me

As I spoke about you.

I don’t like knowing I share this pain with people,

To think about the beginning

To try and warn them

The pain, the rage, the apathy

The world ending

But as I talk about you, they get to see how much I loved you

Because they can tell the depths of my grief

Grief is as big as love

Which means for me,

Recently I have felt a shift in my grief

I used to survive minute by minute

My grief focused on making it one day to the next without you

But now my mind has lifted the blinds in the attic

It’s finally hitting me that you’ll be gone forever

That I will turn 40, 50, 60 without you

I always thought you’d be here

You had so much life left to live

It never ends does it

Hi Mom

I saw you so much this weekend

The swarms of ladybugs

The golden light through the pines

The hummingbirds

The morning bird who followed me

The butterfly that rested on my towel

I felt you in that magical place

The place we share a love for

On April 20, 2022 I told Wilson that things would never be the same

One year and ten days later, you were gone

I’m not sure how how time has passed since then,

It feels like decades and seconds simultaneously

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll forget you

But I saw that calendar, yours from 1976

When you died, so did part of me

Some days it’s more obvious than others

Lately it feels like I’m 6 feet under with you

My joy, my innocence, my hope

In sixteen days it will be April 30th

I anxiously await its arrival

Because the sooner it’s here, the sooner it will pass

The day my world changed

My heart stopped

Barb’s funeral was last weekend

Someone said “you look so much like your Mom”

Tears filled my eyes, the sweetest words

Rebecca said she hopes you died peacefully too

I nodded but said nothing

Your last moments fill my mind without permission

I’m scared to think about what it was like

We’re coming up on 2 years

And some days I still long to join you

I finally did it, Mom

I took my guy to New Mexico

I felt you in the desert

I saw you in the yellow sky

I remembered nothing but feeling love

And safety

Thank you for being there

Thank you for giving me this life

I would give anything for one more minute with you

I’d give up my joy for you

They’re wrong, Mom