2/20/2019
Once when I was very young I was invited to a pool party. I hadn’t learned to swim yet but the kid who’s birthday it was, was a really good friend. At the party a kid pushed me into the deep end. I remember sinking looking up seeing the sun rays breaking the water. All I could do was claw my way towards that light and hope the short breath I took by surprise had enough oxygen to let me make it. As an adult I look around and see the same darkness the water had but there is no sun rays, nothing worth clawing towards. Every day when I wake up I ask the lord why. I don’t thank him for blessing me with another day. I have feelings of anger and bitterness he won’t let the blackness swallow me. In the darkness there is no peace. I wouldn’t want the peace if it did exist. I find it harder everyday to continue to thrash my arms forward in the blind hope to find light. I can feel the cold numbing of the darkness putting thoughts in my head of self doubt. My concern is, is it really doubt or is it just realization of truth? Is there honestly anything worth the effort, worth the pain? I know it’s just the darkness but I’m losing my will to fight it more and more everyday. I hope it wins soon.
