this shouldn’t be my life. i shouldn’t be this person. at least, i never should have let it get this fucked up. i never should have gone to calgary in 2014, or if i had, i should have stayed there. all these things i would do differently now.
i shouldn’t be homeless and hospitalized. i should be in my room, thinking about homework i didn’t do and how much better my grades would be if i did do it. i should be curled up on the couch watching a movie. i should be so many things but this traumatized, broken, numb ghost of someone i used to be, a reflection of someone who no longer exists, is not what i should be.
why doesn’t my father love me? why doesn’t my mother want me?
im not me anymore, im something else. something that shouldn’t exist. not in a bad way, but an improbably way. i am an anomaly.
i crave stability. i crave going to sleepovers and talking about crushes. i crave those nights where my sister and i hang out. i crave hanging out outside the school with people, knowing that your both risking detention for this. i crave preparing for tests. i crave thinking about what to wear to the party next friday.
these are all things that im just not allowed. im not permitted these things because when the universe saw her precious earth, she decided to give pain to those who don’t deserve it and happiness to those who don’t.
and it worked. i am in pain. i am not allowed to go home. hell, im not allowed to go to calgary. my option is hospitalization or homelessness. and i am terrified.
i don’t know what i did. why im cursed. but here i am, drenched in nothing but confusion and doubt. the scent of rejection lingers after me. my emotions are my perfumes, and they smell murky and dark.
nothing about me is who im meant to be. im meant to be a regular teenager, dealing with teenagerish things, but that is not the hand ive been dealt.
the hand ive been dealt is shit.
and i want a refund.
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