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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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this is the beauty standard next year → (-_-)
TIL Many haunted houses have been investigated and found to contain high levels of carbon monoxide or other poisons, which can cause hallucinations. The carbon monoxide theory explains why haunted houses are mostly older houses, which are more likely to contain aging and defective appliances.
via reddit.com
correlation is not causation, ghosts are drawn to poison and weakened minds
Unpopular opinion: not everything that makes you uncomfortable is bad. Sometimes discomfort means your worldview is being challenged. It’s okay to sit with discomfort and think about where it’s coming from.
#Frankly some of you need to be uncomfortable more often#Me too probably idk
Recognizing that discomfort is ok is probably the biggest and most important thing my therapist has taught me. That doesn't mean you can never assert boundaries, but you also need to explore what she calls your "learning edge", the space just beyond your comfort zone that lets you expand and grow.

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I have been known to indulge in a glass of water
interstellar flight ☆
semicolons are not only for formal essays and anyone who tells you otherwise wants to deprive you of the second most satisfying punctuation mark; do NOT believe them. i promise they get no bitches
the first most satisfying punctuation mark is—fyi—the em dash
Ralph Lauren | Resort 2024

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I graduated high school in 99.
There was a student at our school named Wayne.
Wayne was gay. It was obvious. He was unable to stay in the closet even if he wanted to. To make matters worse, he was also Black. From a bullying standpoint, that was not a great combo. Both Black and white students made fun of him relentlessly. He was ostracized from the only community that may have given him protection. Only us theater kids stuck up for him, but not to significant effect.
Wayne was bullied so much that at one point he finally snapped and attacked his bullies with a lunch tray. I was actually seated in perfect line of sight and just sat there chewing my soggy fries in stunned silence. It didn't even seem real as I was witnessing it. The image of him wailing on his main bully as the food on his tray flew off is permanently logged into my long term memory.
The bully he attacked had blood all over his face and went straight to the nurse. Other than superficial cuts, he was not injured.
Before the attack, Wayne went to teachers for help. He went to guidance counselors for help. He went to the principals for help.
He did all of the things you were supposed to do. No one helped him. They wagged a finger at the bullies and warned them to stop.
Wayne's lunch tray melee was the only thing that worked. His bullies stayed far away from him. But a week later Wayne was expelled and the bullies were given no punishment.
So... no.
No one in my school talked about being trans.
Because the only way to survive being openly queer was to bash people with a lunch tray.
There's also the fact that I think a lot of people didn't have the knowledge of the context that would explain what they were experiencing and thus couldn't talk about it in those terms. It doesn't mean they didn't feel it, it just meant they didn't know how to understand or express what they were feeling.
But I know people who absolutely expressed a confusion about their sense of self that later became very clear when they realized being gay or transgender was a thing.
^ This, exactly.
NO NO NO TUMBLR I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WANT TO SEE WHAT MY MUTUALS LIKED. I WANT TO SEE WHAT THEY'VE REBLOGGED. IF IT WAS WORTH SEEING THEY'LL PUT IT ON MY DASH 37 TIMES
ok. enough suffering now. i am seeking out delight
listening to music with headphones is so awesome especially when it shoots straight into your brain and you can pick out all its little layers like sandwich ingredients
it slipped my mind...

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Dear tumblr staff,
stop. its ok. you don’t need to do these things. just focus on functionality(like the video player). we don’t need these little updates when somethings(like the video player) need your focus. thank you for your time but really, tumblr looks great. try to fix more important things(like the video player) so that we can all properly enjoy the features of tumblr(like the video player)
This post is a decade old this year.