Critical Discussions: YA Fiction

So we start off the chapter with Ana driving away from the interview.  Apparently she's driving slow because she's picturing Christian Grey all stern and commanding.  

I don't know, ladies, but if a guy affects me that way I'm not really all that interested in dating him. Also I'd want to talk to a therapist about this weird compulsion to obey controlling men I met maybe ten minutes ago and didn't really like.

She returns home to talk to her roommate. The roommate whose parents bought the house Ana is living in for peanuts in rent money.  You know, the cute blonde she professes is her best friend, yet constantly takes mental pot shots at her. 

Said roommate suddenly bounces up and hugs Ana as she returns.  The roommate suffering from the flu, a highly contagious virus.

Way to contaminate people, roommate. Let's hope Ana had her flu shot.

But hey, the roommate is sick.  We can give her a pass for not thinking. For some reason, however, Ana just has to lay a guilt trip on the roommate for making her interview Mr. Grey.

"Don't you look so innocent. Why didn't you give me a biography? He made me feel like such an idiot for skimping on basic research." 

Mind you, in chapter one it's stated by Ana herself that she volunteered to do this for her roommate. Get off your cross, Ana, and you had plenty of time to ask Kate, or do some basic research for yourself before the interview.  Stop blaming your sick roommate.  

Kate tries to apologize several times, but oh no Ana isn't done with her ranting guilt trip.  I mean she ignores her roommate's apologies three times, just continuing to berate her for making her interview the guy and how creepy and controlling he was.

This character can't be any more unlikable than she is now.

Finally she's done, and puts on a mask of caring to ask her roommate how she was feeling and if she ate her soup.  Goodness, Ana, don't put yourself out too much there being sooooo nice to her.  

The roommate is much better already.  Really? You sure that's the flu? Cause everyone I've talked to, and from my own personal experience, the flu hits like a mac truck and you're down and out for days if not weeks.  

This is entirely glossed over as Ana realizes she has to go to work.  For which there's a touch of resentment toward her roommate for that, too. 

She works at a hardware store.  Hey that sounds like an interesting progressive type of job for a young woman.  But, no, we are reminded soon after that she's terrible at DIY (the author literally abbreviated it that way, too) things and leaves it all to her father.  Gender roles are properly rigid in this book, make no mistake about that.

So she goes to start restocking shelves.  I'm expecting to read something significant about her being at work. Something to move the plot forward, right?

No. Nothing happens, she goes to her job, is told to go stock shelves, and then the author says she's going home.  As far as I can tell, other than informing the audience that she wasn't a DIY girl, switching scenes to her job did actually jack for the plot.

So she returns home, back to her roommate who has apparently had time to listen to the recording of the interview.  And any sympathy I had for the roommate vanishes pretty fast as she presses Ana to admit she's attracted to Christian Grey.

"You've got some good stuff here, Ana. Well done. I can't believe you didn't take him up on his offer to show you around. He obviously wanted to spend more time with you."

You just listened to a guy being ultra creepy with your roommate, also your roommate went totally off script and confronted him in ways that weren't very professional.  But hey, he offered to show her around and he's rich so she should have totes ignored the warning klaxons in her head and taken him up on it amirite?

Ana also has this habit of flushing.  I think the author means blushing, but I can't be entirely sure.  But she flushes a lot.  I should start keeping track of how many times at this rate.  But she flushes and protests any interest in Christian Grey, as her roommate tries to tease her about it.

I must also make note of this right here:

"Why did you want to know if he was gay? Incidentally, that was the most embarrassing question. I was mortified, and he was pissed to be asked too." I scowl at the memory.

"Whenever he's in the society pages, he never has a date."

I swear you can cut out half of this chapter's happenings and it won't harm the story (such as it is) one bit.  Because all that happens after this is a bunch of stuff I literally just skimmed over.  It had no bearing on the story, didn't move the plot along and was just completely unnecessary.

We hear from her mother, who is not at all like Bella Swan's feather-headed mother from Twilight.  Certainly no parallels to to that novel whatsoever.  Certainly not just as flighty, with the... how did she put it 'attention span of a goldfish'.  Ana surely isn't as worried as Bella about her husband taking care of her, etc.

And of course the mother wants to know if Ana has met someone.  Like, what? Ana's in college, about to graduate from the sound of things, and her mom out of the blue is asking about her lovelife?  With a palpable excitement in her voice as if she just KNEW that Ana had been interviewing a corporate mogul and already had the hots for him.

After that, she calls her step father, who is like a father to her, and certainly is nothing like Bella's father from Twilight.  Is definitely not a ... wait, he's not a talker?  He's aloof like Bella's father?  It's like this was a fanfic or something before it was published.

And what is the point to all of this? 

You got me, dear reader.  I have no idea how any of this is pertinent to the storyline other than maybe the eager mother gleefully demanding details on a boyfriend she is just sure Ana has.  That was kinda creepy of her really.  Like has she bugged Ana's house or something?  

But wait, there's more!  We have a random passage of time and she and Kate are now deciding what to do with their Friday night.  Jose, who apparently is friends with her father as well as her, arrives with a bottle of champagne.  I don't even know what this has to do with anything.  I'm lost.

Jose is cute and funny but Ana isn't interested in him as more than a friend.  You know what, I'm not even going to criticize this, as we women deal with 'nice guy' attitudes enough.  She's not interested, fine.  Um, thanks author? Where is this going? What's he got to do with anything?  (And please tell me this isn't Jacob in disguise.)

No, all we get is her suddenly lamenting that she just hasn't found a guy who makes her weak in the knees.  Except for a small voice that reminds her she's attracted to Christian Grey.  And then we're back to Jose again, who has accepted, she thinks, that all they are is friends, even though he's pretty hot and--

Finally we get back to the hardware store.  Ana is at work when suddenly Christian Grey arrives.  Mind you she's sitting there, doing her job, then she looks up and there he is, staring at her intently.  Creepy is as creepy does.

But he isn't being a creepy stalker or anything, oh no he's in the store to buy some items or something and just happened to see her sitting there doing her job and felt the need to stare at her intently until she looked up.

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something.

There's some pointless banter about him needing cable ties.  I think the scene is attempting to show some kind of electric sizzle between them.  It comes off instead as awkward and uncomfortable.  Like when you have cold wet sand between your toes and you can't remove it kind of uncomfortable.

Wait. He's buying cable ties.  Duct tape.  Some rope.  Ana, if I were you, I'd be a little scared to walk to my car alone after work.  That's in every rapist/kidnapper's toolkit right there.

I admittedly kind of sighed as I kept reading.  Lots of Christian being cool and in control. Lots of Ana flushing and fumbling and staring and being unable to stop gushing to herself at how handsome he is and even trying to sound coy.  Questions about her, her upbringing, what she's into.  It's classic grooming by a controlling man who thinks he may have found his next victim.

Neither of them are being particularly good at hiding anything.  They're clearly flirting with each other and the innuendo is gag worthy.

"You wouldn't want to ruin your clothing," I gesture vaguely in the direction of his jeans.

"I could always take them off." He smirks.

"Um." I feel the color in my cheeks rising.

We also have a guy, who happens to be her boss's brother, step in as a possible other suitor.  He hugs Ana, and oh that does not sit well with Christian.  Apparently he's pissed on her at this point, marking her as his territory.

When I glance up at Christian Grey, he's watching us like a hawk, his gray eyes hooded and speculative, his mouth a hard impassive line. He's changed from the weirdly attentive customer to someone else - someone cold and distant.

Cold and distant.  This is not someone you want to date, Ana.  

She introduces the two men, and this goes over like a dead fish.  Cold, clammy and kinda smelly.  Paul is a fanboy, but Christian has lost all that sexualized, steamy banter and is now so cool it worries Ana.

"Sure, Paul." I watch him disappear toward the stock room. "Anything else, Mr. Grey?"

"Just these items." His tone is clipped and cool. Damn... have I offended him.

If he's offended by you having male coworkers who hug you, honey, he's the problem, not you.

But he can't leave without setting out some bait.  Even as he's turned from warm and flirty to cool and clipped, he turns as he's leaving and tells her he's glad that her roommate couldn't do the interview.  He also gives her his cell number and something about a potential photo shoot.

Throwing her a bone, and she acts like he just threw her a bouquet of roses.

I see the author took after Stephanie Meyers' inability to create interesting characters we can relate to and not instantly hate from the first page.  Ana starts right off the bat by telling us, the readers, that she's a selfish little thing who resents her roommate for daring to get the flu.

Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu.

Oh,and!

Kate begs me in her rasping, sore throat voice. How does she do it. Even ill she looks gamine and gorgeous, strawberry blonde hair in place and green eyes bright, although now red-rimmed and runny. I ignore my pang of unwelcome sympathy.

How dare, Kate, how dare.  

After that it's a rambling series of actions as Ana arrives at the building and signs in.  It's pretty obvious, if a bit annoying how often it's pointed out, that Ana is awkward.  Kind of light how Bella is clumsy.  Both authors have to remind us of this a little too often.  

Finally, Ana is called into Mr. Grey's office and... oh it seems that like Bella, she is also very clumsy.  She opens the door to the guy's office and trips on her own two feet.

Of course, it's pretty much right into the arms of Christian Grey.

Then she must now go on for several paragraphs about how young and handsome he is.  And fumble and blush and fidget as he leads her into his office.   Stare at paintings, make small talk, blush again, fidget again with the recording device.  Small talk. oh my god

Finally the interview starts and we get a peek at Mr. Grey's life and personality. And this is very, very telling.

Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I'm very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn't, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them

Incentivize, even, he has quite the vocabulary.  Also he's probably already pegged Ana for being a wounded gazelle far away from the rest of her pack by now.

The next part instantly had me facepalming.  Ana, who has agreed to take on this interview for her roommate, suddenly goes off interview script and starts challenging him because she thinks he sounds arrogant.  I just... I'm supposed to like this character? Identify with her?  Cause I don't, not even a little bit.

Or is this some sort of cheap attempt to show everyone how controlling Christian Grey is?

"You sound like a control freak." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele," he says without a trace of humor in his smile. I look at him, and he holds my gaze steadily, impassive. My heartbeat quickens, and my face flushes again.

Yeah, I'll take cheap attempts for $200, Alex. 

They continue to talk, Ana trying to be professional despite having not been at all professional this entire time so far.  Man if I were Kate, I'd be pretty pissed right now and wondering if it were the NyQuil or the flu talking that made me ask my clumsy, awkward roommate to conduct a serious important interview with a guy who's important to my journalism studies and eventual career.

But the farce of an interview continues and Christian Grey is beyond frank in a way that's so totally unrealistic.  

"I don't have a philosophy as such. Maybe a guiding principle - Carnegie's: 'A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled.' I'm very singular, driven. I like control - of myself and those around me."

It's as if he knows he's hooked Ana and is just reeling her in at this point and totally isn't expecting her to use any of this material for an actual published article.  It's classic predatory behavior.  Leans in and gives her just enough to make her want to keep going, but no more than 'just enough'.  

She even asks him if he's gay.  I just...

"Are you gay, Mr. Grey?"

He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn't I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out. How can I tell him I'm just reading the questions?

Oh! He discovers she isn't actually with the student newspaper, she's just the roommate tasked with reading off the interview questions.  This appears to be when Mr. Grey decides to take a go at his prey.  He even cancels a meeting that's apparently scheduled in 2 minutes (like really? the interview's been going on maybe 5 minutes, how long did he think it would take?) because they aren't done yet.  

The tables are now turned.  Christian no longer wants to do an interview about him, he launches into a series of questions about HER.  Were I her, I'd be shaking his hand, wishing him good luck in his endeavors and getting the fuck out of there because that's just fucking creepy.

Finally!  The whole thing is done and Ana makes excuses to get out of that office.  But are we done?

"Until we meet again, Miss Steele." And it sounds like a challenge, or a threat, I'm not sure which. I frown.

He actually reaches out and puts his hands on her shoulders.  She is clearly dismayed by this, and I don't blame her.  Random guy I find to be arrogant and controlling, who insists we'll see each other again, puts his hands on me and insists on following me all the way to the elevator despite supposedly being a very busy man?

I'm not seeing a single thing about this first chapter that says Christian Grey is anything but an arrogant, controlling, misogynist asshole.  

But suddenly I notice 'Chapter 2'.

I have a nitpick right here and now.  Bella is trying to get Edward to tell her things.  And when he appears to be mulling over a question she asked him, I get this sentence:

"And then you didn't answer one of my first questions..." I stalled.

I'm not really sure what she's stalling here.  She's the one asking him things, he's the one who's stalling.  

Anyhoo, as I said, we have Bella and Edward in a car.  She's prodding him for information, having already decided he must be a vampire.  He has apparently given up on trying to fool her about this and begins opening up about his 'abilities' as a vampire.  And then we get this:

"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?" The words bothered me more than they should - probably because his speculation hit home. I'd always suspected as much, and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed.

Oh come ON now, Bella. You've spent quite a bit of time telling your readers how you're not like 'other girls'.  This can't be a huge surprise to you.

So now it's her turn to answer questions.  And she evades by noticing the speedometer and we have a brief, somewhat pointless interaction where Bella freaks out at how fast he's going and he doesn't see the problem.  

So, after that brief distraction, Bella begins to wind her way around to telling Edward that she thinks he's a vampire. Oh, and this hilarious tidbit as she brings up her talk with Jacob.

"His dad is one of the Quileute elders." I watched him carefully. His confused expression froze in place. "We went for a walk -" I edited all my scheming out of the story "- and he was telling me some old legends - trying to scare me, I think. He told me one..." I hesitated.

Ahem.  

Finally she says something about Vampires! After enough hemming and hawing over it.  But then, she gets worried as she sees Edward's reaction to Jacob having revealed that old legend about his family.  She actually legitimately is afraid for Jacob's life.

And she wants to date this guy?

So in order to keep Edward from killing Jacob (again wtf Bella, why are you wanting to date a guy you think may possibly be violent to a friend of yours?) she admits she manipulated the poor kid to get the information from him.

"I tried to flirt - it worked better than I thought it would." Disbelief colored my tone as I remembered.

"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people - poor Jacob Black."

Poor Jacob Black, indeed.  I'm not a huge Edward fan (at all) at this point, but for once he has a point.  I suppose I it's good that at least  Bella is showing some kind of remorse for her actions.  I think it's remorse, at least.

Anyway! Bella also gets around to telling Edward that she knows he's a vampire, and he doesn't care.

He gets weirdly angry about it.  I mean seriously, he's angry and she's afraid of him being angry and wants to date him.  W.T.F.

Then we go through several small, clipped sentences with the two of them bickering back and forth about vampirism.  Edward talks about being 'vegetarian' (lol) and how they only hunt animals.  But he's still dangerous!  We must be reminded of this several times.

And then, we get back to the creepy shit again.  Edward complains how hard it is for him to be apart from Bella because she's so prone to hurting herself and he can't protect her if he's off hunting animals for sustenance.  

"Your hands," he reminded me. I looked down at my palms, at the almost-healed scrapes across the heels of my hands. His eyes missed nothing.

"I fell," I sighed.

"That's what I thought." His lips curved up at the corners. "I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse - and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves." He smiled ruefully at me.

You know, I think this is ultimately why her whole 'I'm so clumsy' shtick bothers me so much. It's now become an excuse for Edward to treat Bella like she's incapable of caring for herself. So he has to stick close 'for her own good'.

What's insidious about this is on the surface, it appears that he's just caring about her.  Maybe falling in love with her the way she is with him.  But it looks more like another bit of subtle emotional manipulation to me.  He's telling her 'You can't take care of yourself, so I have to do it for you.  I know what's best for you.'

And it only gets worse as the chapter continues.  He gets angry with her for saying she didn't care and that it was too late, she was already falling for him.  Angry enough to make her cry.

Folks, if the guy you're crushing on is so angry with you that he makes you cry, reconsider your crush on him.  For the love of little green aliens, please.

And then he gets exasperated with her for thinking of ways to disarm or take out her attackers instead of run away and/or scream.  

Mind you he's been screwing with her head this entire trip.  But the coup de grace is at the end, as he's taking her back home to her father's house.  

"Will I see you tomorrow?" I demanded.

"Yes - I have a paper due, too." He smiled. "I'll save you a seat at lunch."

It was silly, after everything we'd been through tonight, how that little promise sent flutters through my stomach, and made me unable to speak.

He's been downright angry at her all through the ride for falling for him.  But in the end, tosses her a bone.  Just enough to keep her hooked on him.

And she is. 

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him - and I didn't know how potent that part might be - that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

In the last part of the review on this chapter, Bella had been nearly sexually assaulted by a group of men on a deserted street, and Edward had swooped in to save her.  After that, Edward continued to groom Bella with heavy overtones of hinted at domestic violence.

After deciding for Bella that she needed to eat, we have a moment of jealousy for Bella as the pair walk into a restaurant and the waitresses of course go gaga for Edward.  

"You really shouldn't do that to people," I criticized. "It's hardly fair."

"Do what?"

"Dazzle them like that - she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."

He seemed confused.

"Oh, come on," I said dubiously. "You have to know the effect you have on people."

He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. "I dazzle people?"

"You haven't noticed? Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"

He ignored my questions. "Do I dazzle you?"

"Frequently," I admitted.

Edward, of course, is totally unaware of how he dazzles people and feigns ignorance when Bella calls him on it.  While I'm sure the author actually did intend for Edward to be unaware, it didn't come off that way.  It looked more like gaslighting to me, especially since rather than answer her, he dodged her question by asking another question.  

Edward the 100 year old vampire isn't likely to be unaware of his ability to charm people into doing what he wanted.  

After that, Edward remarks on Bella's calm, expecting her to go into shock.  Bella replies:

"I don't think that will happen," I said after I could breathe again. "I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things."

You really have to stop and think for a moment about the book's target audience: Young, teenage girls.

Considering statistics, many of those young girls have experienced some form of sexual violence.  This message that Bella is sending?  Is reprehensible.  I'm not saying she needs to be a weepy mess, but some sort of reaction, some kind of repercussions that aren't 'I'm tough and not like other girls!' would be preferable.  Everyone reacts differently, yes, but this 'you gotta be tough and repress it' bullshit needs to die.

After this, Edward continues to show how controlling he is.  And Bella neatly tucks herself into his trap.*

"Drink," he ordered.

I sipped at my soda obediently, and then drank more deeply, surprised by how thirsty I was. I realized I had finished the whole thing when he pushed his glass toward me.

"Thanks," I muttered, still thirsty. The cold from the icy soda was radiating through my chest, and I shivered.

"Are you cold?"

"It's just the Coke," I explained, shivering again.

"Don't you have a jacket?" His voice was disapproving.

"Yes." I looked at the empty bench next to me. "Oh - I left it in Jessica's car," I realized.

Notice the choice of language here.  He orders her around, he disapproves of her being without a jacket.  She reacts obediently.  In the guise of concern, Edward is displaying controlling behavior and Bella reacts to it without batting an eyelash.

This is a textbook start to an eventually abusive relationship.

Edward insists that she should be having some kind of reaction to having just been nearly assaulted.  But Bella just replies that she feels safe with him.  Also, memorized by looking into his eyes. 

So she asks him what he's doing in Port Angeles.  He refuses to answer.  Bella has to figure out a way to get the truth out of him by asking him a battery of questions that lead back to the answer she desires.  Finally he just admits he was following her and that was how he managed to swoop in, in time, to rescue her.

I cannot state how creepy it is that he was actually following her.  'But if he hadn't been following her she would have been assaulted!' Maybe the author could have found some better way of throwing them at each other.

Just sayin'.

We begin this chapter with the ever reluctant Bella going to Port Angeles with Jessica and Angela.  No it's ok, don't flip back to remember who Angela and Jessica are, Bella doesn't really care about either of them and you can forget they even exist in a few pages.

Bella tries to be happy for them with their mundane clothing shopping and boy talk.  But Bella is above all of that nasty teenage girl stuff, you see. She's not like other girls, we are reminded.  

Clumsiness reminder: 1 (She lies to them about why she's never been to a dance because she doesn't want to remember that she's clumsy and that's the real reason~)

And despite the fact that Bella apparently never dated back in Phoenix, all the boys in Forks are certainly attracted to her.  Scarily and creepily attracted to her.  Like Mike continually trying to push her to go out with him.  And now Tyler, that poor kid, who has apparently decided he's taking her to the dance. Except he never actually asked and got the ok from her.

Also Edward with his 'You don't want to be near me but I want you near me' shtick.

And here we go again, Bella using people to ask about the Cullens.  Thankfully the author took the easy way out and made Angela not ask any questions.  Bella breathed a sigh of relief as she got her answer without said questions and honestly, so did I.

And naturally Bella separates herself from the other girls and goes off on her own.  (You may now forget that Jessica and Angela even exist.) And wanders aimlessly like a little lost lamb.  Straight into the bad part of town.

Is there a bad part of Port Angeles? I suppose there could be, who knows.  

Next comes the most manufactured let's throw the protagonist into danger for funsies scene I've ever read.  I'm not going into detail because really, it's not this part that's kinda off putting, it's what comes after when she's 'safe'.  

To sum up: A bunch of guys try to corner Bella with intent to assault her. Like, we haven't seen this scenario before right?

BUT LO HERE COMES HER KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.  As in Edward, swerves in with his car and commands her to jump in, which she does.  

Ok, gonna pause here for a moment to explain something.  Domestic violence is often punctuated in the early stages with the abuser acting out in ways that are meant to destabilize the victim.  Edward engages in several of these behaviors right after ;'rescuing' her.

 I studied his flawless features in the limited light, waiting for my breath to return to normal, until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry.

"Are you okay?" I asked, surprised at how hoarse my voice sounded.

"No," he said curtly, and his tone was livid.

But but but, he's just angry that someone tried to hurt her, you say.  And I say, bullshit.  Because not a moment later he asks for this.

"Distract me, please," he ordered.

"I'm sorry, what?"

He exhaled sharply.

"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he clarified, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

Suddenly Bella is responsible for calming him down.  For some reason, Edward the 100+ year old vampire is incapable of handling his own anger.  So he puts this task to a 16 year old girl he's only known for a few months.  Notice he's ordering her to do this, despite the 'please' at the end of that order.  

"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." He was whispering, too, and as he stared out the window, his eyes narrowed into slits. 

Admitting he has a problem with his temper? While demanding she take responsibility for calming him down? Yet another red flag.  

Oh, and this gem just a few short paragraphs later when Edward decides he's taking her back to Jessica and Angela so she can have dinner with them.

He spoke before I could. "Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too. I don't think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again."

I shivered at the threat in his voice.

Ladies, if a man ever makes you shiver at the violence in his voice RUN. Don't walk. RUN AWAY FROM THAT SHIT.

Anyway, Jessica and Angela got tired of waiting for Bella to appear and ended up ordering and eating before she and Edward arrived.  Bella is totally ok with this, because it means getting to hang out with Edward.  

She insists she isn't hungry, but Edward isn't having any of that.  And please, after everything else I've already pointed out about how controlling and abusive Edward is, don't tell me he's doing this for her own good.  

"Honestly, I'm not hungry," I insisted, looking up to scrutinize his face. His expression was unreadable.

"Humor me."

He walked to the door of the restaurant and held it open with an obstinate expression. Obviously, there would be no further discussion. I walked past him into the restaurant with a resigned sigh.

Basically, he's sending some majorly mixed, screwed up signals here.  Bella is responsible for calming his anger, but she can't be trusted to know if she's hungry or not, or to make decisions about eating at that time or not.  I mean shit, she was nearly assaulted by a bunch of guys, she might, just maybe, be a little too upset to eat something.

Or whatever. The author goes on in the second part of the chapter to completely gloss over any trauma she experienced. 

And we get a lot of useless information about her search.  But one tidbit about a good vampire of some sort.  Which relieves her because Edward cannot possibly be an evil vampire right?  

And then!  Then... our fearless heroine decides to go for a walk. In the woods.  and then... oh my god. More inner thoughts on the Cullens and Vampires and and and

What is the point of this entire chapter so far?  Where is the conflict?  Wait, are you telling me her inner feelings about them possibly being vampires is the conflict?  That's it? 

Apparently yes, that is it.  And now she feels she has two options!  Only two, there is no third and four and five are right out.  Her options are:

1. Break it off with Edward and ignore him and make him leave her alone.  This is the best option, because Edward is a creepy and controlling stalker.  

2.  Do nothing.  Just keep going like she doesn't know anything or something.

So what does Bella think of Option 1?

I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative. My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next option.

Oh and she goes on.

I could do nothing different. After all, if he was something... sinister, he'd done nothing to hurt me so far. In fact, I would be a dent in Tyler's fender if he hadn't acted so quickly. So quickly, I argued with myself, that it might have been sheer reflexes. But if it was a reflex to save lives, how bad could he be? I retorted.

Bella, honey, retorting to yourself is not a good sign. Take it from someone in the know.

So after pages and pages of Bella doing pointless activities, walking out into the woods and struggling with herself to figure out if Edward were a vampire and if she cared, she ultimately decides that she's in too deep to get out.

Oh man people, this is such a domestic violence abuse trap I can't even.

Anyway, our intrepid heroine walks back out of the woods.  There's some minor conflict on if she'll get out of the forest but of course she will.  

And that's just about it.  Seriously, it's more pointless activities and her realizing she's not really afraid of her decision.  Like inwardly she knows she should be alarmed by it, but she isn't.

The chapter is half over and practically nothing has happened that could have taken maybe a few paragraphs to explain before going on to actual action.  There were really no A-HAH moments, and it was dry reading just wondering where in the world all of this was going to realize at the end that it's deliberately not going anywhere.

Thanks, author.

But, the next day she wakes up and it's sunny out! Like, look guys, symbolism!  She returns to school and Mike runs into her immediately, being a bit of a creeper by touching her hair.  And then... this.

"What did you do yesterday?" His tone was just a bit too proprietary.

"I mostly worked on my essay." I didn't add that I was finished with it - no need to sound smug.

He hit his forehead with the heel of his hand. "Oh yeah - that's due Thursday, right?"

"Um, Wednesday, I think."

"Wednesday?" He frowned. "That's not good... What are you writing yours on?"

"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."

There's a level of irony in this conversation that I cannot even begin to describe.  Plus, good ole Bella is right back to being condescending and awful to her classmates.  Even if Mike's a bit of a creeper.

Sigh, more story that goes no where.  Students talking about the dance that's upcoming.  There's really no reason for all this walking and talking.  Bella doesn't give a rat's ass about her classmates, so why should readers?

I mean she's barely even listening to her 'friends', thinking more about this new knowledge she had about the Cullens and anticipating seeing them in the cafeteria.  

AND LO CONFLICT FINALLY.  They enter the cafeteria and the Cullens aren't there. 

Yep. That's it folks, that's the conflict.

As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Cullens' table. A shiver of panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty. With dwindling hope, my eyes scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him alone, waiting for me. The place was nearly filled - Spanish had made us late - but there was no sign of Edward or any of his family. Desolation hit me with crippling strength.

And literally this sudden lack of Cullens has completely resulted in a bomb going off in Bella's life.  And the rest of the chapter is her moping, sulking, and being generally over the top and dramatically upset that Edward and the other Cullens aren't at school.

It's bad enough I already loathe Bella and find her utterly unrelatable, but now another side of her is creeping into my consciousness. One that makes me dislike her even more.   

She's shown hints of being a bit manipulative in the past, but in this chapter it really starts coming out full force.  Starting first with admitting how easy it was to make Mike happy.  (Basically, pay attention to him from the way the author portrays him. How novel.)

But before we go on with this, we must first mention (again) how Bella is prone to clumsiness.  I'm gonna start keeping track at this rate, because this is ridiculous.  It's almost like a cut to commercial, just as annoying and jars the reader out of the story briefly.

Finally we meet Jacob, having arrived with a group of teenagers from the local reservation.  And lo, Bella knows him because hey, his dad is the guy who sold her dad the truck she's driving.  And something about spending time together in the summers when she visited.  I'm guessing before she threw a massive enough tantrum to insist her dad spend that time with her in California instead.

And then, this:

I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullens, and I had a sudden inspiration. It was a stupid plan, but I didn't have any better ideas. I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn't see through my sure-to-be-pitiful attempts at flirting.

Wait. Bella... are you actually attempting to extract information from this guy by flirting with him?  FFS he's 15.  HE'S FIFTEEN HE JUST TOLD YOU THAT.  

But no, that's actually what she's doing.  Deliberately turning on the charm and flirting with a fifteen year old kid in order to get him to give her the information she wants.

Instead of, you know, asking him.

He glanced back at me, biting his lip. "Oops. I'm not supposed to say anything about that."

"Oh, I won't tell anyone, I'm just curious." I tried to make my smile alluring, wondering if I was laying it on too thick.

He smiled back, though, looking allured. Then he lifted one eyebrow and his voice was even huskier than before.

"Do you like scary stories?" he asked ominously.

"I love them," I enthused, making an effort to smolder at him.

Yeah, you know what?  Bella has got to be the worst protagonist of any story I've ever read.  She's not even an anti-hero.  She's a egotistical, self centered, entitled, manipulative brat and I just...

Ahem.  Anyway, Jacob reveals the story about the Cullens and werewolves and a bunch of stuff he isn't actually supposed to tell her.  Including the story of the 'cold ones' who are the Cullens, and lo! Now Bella knows they are vampires.

And she continues to use Jacob for her own ends, this time when Mike comes calling to find out where she's run off to.  So basically, she flirted with him to manipulate him into telling her what she wanted to know. THEN used him a second time to ward off Mike.  And the poor sap is totally enamored with her the same way most of the Forks boys are.  Sigh.

"You should come see me in Forks. We could hang out sometime." I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I'd used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.

But woe! We are back to angsting about Edward rather quickly.  And this is chapter five and the only thing going on in this book is Bella entering the cafeteria, anxious about seeing Edward.

Of course, she completely tunes out her friends (wait, how are they her friends? she's actively disliked them from the start) because she is thinking about Edward, afraid he'd start being cold to her again.

But lo! What is this?  EDWARD IS NOT AT HIS LUNCH TABLE WITH THE OTHER VAMPIRES.  I mean, his family. Yes, just his pale and statuesque family.  

She then loses her appetite, buys herself just a lemonade, and sulks. I mean seriously.  

But wait! No! He's there!  Jessica points him out and suddenly and he's by himself, gesturing for her to join him!  Hooray all is not lost!  and of course she makes some lame excuse to go talk to him as if people hadn't already noticed she was totally ga-ga over him.

Wait, they had noticed right?  Or has the author written all of them literally being as stupid as Bella thinks they are?

Groan.  More gushing about how perfect he is.  And more of Edward being a smarmy ass, refusing to explain anything and making her play mind reader.  This is such a gross display of dominance, he's basically grooming Bella at this point by confusing her and pulling the rug out from under her to destabilize her.

"I think your friends are mad I stole you from them."

"They'll survive."

You know what?  You two deserve each other.  Because you're both assholes.

OCHRE EYES this time. Christicles.

"So are we friends now?"  And of course he warns her that he is not, in fact, a good friend to have. And alludes that if she's /smart/ she'll stay away from him.  Again. He's said this many times. Alluded to something about him that she should be scared of.  But self absorbed, stupid Bella buys this hook, line and sinker and it just draws her in as he likely hopes it will.  

Thanks for perpetuating the stupid 'girls like assholes' stereotype, author.  Also fuck you.

AUGH.  She even calls him on this tactic of his.  Dropping little cryptic hints about himself, that he damn well knows she can't pick up on because really, who believes in Vampires anymore.  Even vegetarian sparkly ones.   She calls him on it!  And and and... what does he do?

"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you."

Yet again, invalidating her very REAL annoyance at him being a cryptic asshole to her.   He's not being an asshole.  She's just too easily angered. Almost sounds as if he's about to suggest she's on her period or something.  

Ladies, if a guy pulls this shit on you, don't be like Bella. Don't just completely abandon your brains and ignore the warning signals that are telling you 'something is not right'.  If he starts trying to convince you of his version of events, even when you /know/ that's not what happened.  If he starts pulling these little head games, dump him and find a guy who isn't a shitheel.

And then!  He snickers something about Mike (referring to him as 'Your boyfriend.') thinking he's being unpleasant to Bella.  Well guess what, you are.  Edward you are being a completely asshole to Bella and Mike really should break up this farcical meeting between you two.

Oh and now his eyes are brooding.  Because Bella is not so easy to read.  I'm not sure why he thinks that, cause she's as much of an asshole as he is.

Oh! And as she makes a reasonable request, that he at least let her know the next time he's going to be an asshole to her so she at least doesn't get all fretful about it, he finds it humorous.  I mean seriously, Bella wtf is wrong with you.

Oh, wait. You're as much of a jerk as he is. Nevermind.

OCHRE EYES again, scorching this time.  Which he... bats at her, eyelashes and all that and oh ffs.  She's dazed.

Bella, the answer to your question is: You are a hopeless pushover.