Welcome?

I think that, in a way, i do wanna be sick. I want him to catch an “accidental” glimpse of my fresh scars, pretending like i don’t notice. I want people to worry. I don’t like people to feel sad, but i guess i do want that attention, that feeling like someone gives a damn if i’m dead or alive. Because i think it’s the only way i can actually believe someone loves me. And it’s not like i’m not loved in other ways. It’s not like he doesn’t tell me i’m beautiful everyday. It’s not like i don’t recieve love if it’s not in the worrysome way. I do. I know he loves me, but somehow i just don’t trust it. I don’t believe that someone could love me, at least the “normal” side of me. I guess i’m not sure that side of me exists. I don’t know who i am if not this terrible monster that ruins everything it touches. I don’t know if there’s anything even there besides that. I’m not sure if i’m someone, if that makes sense. I think i’m terrified, actually. I’m scared of saying that there’s nothing wrong with me anymore, because then i’m back to that kid at school who was a living corpse, spit, insulted, laughed at without a flinch. I’m back to being that souless shell that didn’t know how to stand up for herself. I don’t wanna be that kid. I don’t wanna be nothing anymore. And there’s nothing else for me to be but this. It’s like all the selves that the universe offers for us to be are taken, and all i’m left with is the scraps. This is all there is, this sick, twisted, attention seeking, manipulative person. I don’t wanna be stepped on so i’d rather step on myself, somehow. I don’t wanna hurt others, i swear, but i don’t know how to be if i’m not this. I don’t wanna go back. I’d rather be feared for than laughed at. I’d rather be mourned that forgotten. I’d rather be sick than nothing at all.

what the hell is going on with kids today??? i was just on twitter and some girl posted a TUTORIAL ON SH and her MUTUALS were congratulating her like “ohhh such a pretty cVt :3 <3” like hey back in our days we would post we wanted to di3 on tumblr and people would actually be there for eachother not ECOURAGING IT?? seriously why do kids glamorize mental issues nowadays? i would never think to push someone towards self harm? wtf