inappropriate language in the tags

thank you @hamartia-grander, as a token of grantitude have a hug

as above, so below.

somebody at a zine show earlier this year spent several minutes expounding to me on her zine compiling all the horrible "types" of men she's been on dates with locally & i was like "wow yeah huh. that sucks. sorry that keeps happening to you." she did the straight woman song & dance, ohhh this is my cross to bear, guys are just awful why do i have to be attracted to them! & it was all i could do not to just ask her if she's ever actually tried anything else. not even "have you ever dated a woman" - have you ever been on a date with guy who isn't straight. what about a guy who isn't cis. do you only date guys of a particular age or cultural background? only guys you find in a very specific set of places? what are your criteria for going on a first date with a man, & is it possible that the choices you're making are in fact part of the equation of "all men [in my life] are awful"?

like...i am OBVIOUSLY not some fucking men's rights incel-apologist here, "why do women only want the bad ones, not all men are like that" lmfao nor am i going to argue that the system of patriarchy doesn't result in widespread extremely shitty behavior among a variety of men! possibly even a majority along certain other axes of identity/privilege! but at the same time i am more than a little concerned about how low many straight women's standards seem to be & also how, idk, weirdly attached most "heteropessimist" women still are to normative gender roles & their much-bemoaned status as heterosexual

And there was a lot of "men are stinky and don't take care of themselves unlike women" "men aren't emotionally mature and tend to be closed off" "men are dogs and only want sex" and I'm not saying this isn't true, because it is true that many especially cishet white men are really bottom of the barrel level partners... but I am frustrated that this happens because of a system that allows it. These dudes think the behavior is cute and continue to act this way because the world around them does not expect better of them, writing it off as just being how guys are and never once challenging them to be better than that.

While queer men and men of color have their own problems to be sure, I will say there is a reason we see overall less of these complaints in these men specifically because of cultural challenges to men who act like this and a lack of willingness to tolerate this sort of behavior from them. It's not that gay men are inherently better at taking care of themselves, at personal hygiene and emotional maturity, or at regulating sexual need with other forms of closeness in a relationship. It's that a lot of gay culture does not tolerate or write off the bottom of the barrel behaviors that are encouraged by the patriarchy itself, and thus it quickly becomes clear that this behavior is not cute and won't be allowed to continue.

And it also bothers me because never once do these women consider a third possibility to their choice of "become gay" vs "date guys they actually don't like at all" which is: consider queerplationic arrangements. Romantic friendships. Kitchen table poly FWB agreements. A roommate that you may in fact be totally nonsexual with but have a deep and profound soulmate-like bond to share. Or like. Date dudes of different races and sexualities and backgrounds and see if maybe part of your problem is the choosing pool you're in itself.

Literally the bi woman who is engaged to a man stated that actually she had these same problems ***while dating women*** and then knew that her future husband was The One after he handled the discussion of her bisexuality with far more grace than anyone else had ever before. She also stated that previously all of her relationships both man and women had been white, and the dude she's marrying is Vietnamese, and that slight adjustment for race seems to have fixed much of her problems because of, again, a cultural challenge to the behavior she didn't enjoy. AND she is not ignorant to the way her fiance's mother treats him as the specialist boy who has ever existed while being harshly critical of his female relatives- but neither is he, nor is *he* tolerant of that behavior either.

Yes, male privilege and male entitlement are both incredibly frustrating things to deal with as not only oppressive forces but also as an active problem with many women's dating lives. But also treating these as though they are inherent to the men displaying these behaviors rather than challenging those same men to be better is actively contributing to the problem, as it takes all responsibility and accountability away from the problematic men themselves and writes them off with yet more "boys will be boys" mentality.

- it’s fun to be awake & in an upright position

- consciousness is a gift

Running off with a prince despite him being married and a father bc you’re just so in love with him (even though a political marriage to a man who wouldn’t keep to one bed was a deal breaker for you but you have no problem taking someone else’s husband…🤨), then his family kills half of your family but that just makes you double down and beg this man to knock you up…Arya would never, Sansa however it could be argued imo. (But even she knew well enough to dislike the Lannister’s after they killed her father she didn’t her brother dead yet too and they didn’t all need to actively participate for her to hate/distrust

When the Lannister’s murdered Arya’s father and brother she wanted revenge on them all.

When the Targaryen’s murdered Lyanna’s father and brother she wanted to have a baby with one of them…

I personally don’t understand what Ned sees in Arya that reminds him that much of Lyanna. Or at least not the Lyanna in the play. Maybe he’s thinking of a younger like pre-teen and below Lyanna, before she became all prophecy-pilled. A Lyanna we would literally never be able to know if she truly existed or if she’s just an idealized version of his sister in his head, from when Lyanna was likely around Arya’s age, that he just projects onto the daughter who looks like her and acts like she did at that age, before she went off the deep end.

I also think the play highlights how much this isn't a House v House conflict, unlike Starks v Lannisters, but rather a rebellion against Aerys, which if Rhaegar hadn't fucked it, he would probably be leading himself. Lyanna in the play even says that 'Robert's cause is just' in Act 2, the two refuse to engage in the fighting, and Lyanna only pushes Rhaegar to fight to protect her unborn child after nudging from Elia. So I don't think the comparison here to the War of the Five Kings fully tracks.

Here's something I wrote elsewhere:

But what I'd like to emphasise at this point is really how much I think Lyanna is an opposite to Sansa? Where Sansa is secure in her femininity and rewarded for her ability to sing and sew, Lyanna is insecure, unsure, uncertain, feels she not only wants to do these duties but honestly on some level can't (and is much more Arya-like in this sense). Sansa adheres to rules rigidly, thinking if she's just 'good', everything will be fine - whereas Lyanna can't do that, it's not in her nature. Where Sansa looks forward to marriage, Lyanna is much more uncertain, resigned to it a little, but feels unfit for it. There's nothing in the play setting up Lyanna as a starry eyed romantic looking for love before she falls for Rhaegar - she's not looking for songs, or princes, or one true love, it just hits her all quite unexpectedly. Her plot involves being a lady trapped in a tower, but in the play this is not quite about a false fantasy being smashed by the ugly reality - she never grows to hate and resent Rhaegar as Sansa does Joffrey, she is not quite a hostage, the horror that befalls her is more the madness of falling desperately in love and the worst of grief and the darkness of obsession. She might be a character in a romantic story Sansa might find intriguing, but she's unlike her in so many ways. I mention all this because you brought it up and others have done so to me several times, but personally I find the reading a bit shallow? Like the only similarity is that Lyanna falls deeply, madly in love with someone... and really, almost anyone who is not a aromantic can do that, in the right circumstances? Beyond being in the subgenre of romance, they're operating in quite different ways - they're honestly more foils than parallels, and I think if they knew each other Sansa would regard her aunt as a bit 'weird'. Her interest in Lyanna's love story would be mediated by the social judgement that she has been taught to espouse towards women who are so unladylike, who reject society.

I also think this post is a misreading of Lyanna's loss of magic? Lyanna loses magic as she approaches adulthood and the normalcy of adulthood - having to conform to gender expectations - looms. She's resigned to this. But her magic returns with Rhaegar. And I think magic and her romance with Rhaegar represents Lyanna being true to herself, true to her differences, not fitting herself in this box. The life she and Rhaegar lead in the Tower of Joy is initially one where they've rejected noble families and conflicts and are living more "freely". Their bond is about non-conformity, in ways that just don't feel much like Sansa at al, who initially wants to be queen with Joffrey before the illusion is shattered? Obviously after Brandon & Rickard die, the tone changes with Lyanna's romance - it leads Lyanna on a grief-fuelled prophecy obsession and leads her to conceiving Jon, but that reaction feels quite unlike either of the Stark sisters.

In truth, while there are key similarities, I don't think Lyanna is entirely like Arya either. I would actually argue she's most like Bran - Bran who also declares 'I want to be a knight', Bran who also pursues magic instead of normalcy, a choice that is a selfish one, that costs lives. His reaction to the loss of his mobility and even loss of family is just to pursue magic more deeply despite the dark and dangerous path it provides. But I do think the Lyanna-Sansa comparisons often just reduce things down to Lyanna having a whirlwind romance that Sansa would fantasise about, but in text, ultimately becomes less rosy-eyed about and more realistic (while keeping some of her committment to kindness and idealism?). It just feels like a misread based on the fact that romance is fairly central to the character arcs, but they're both exploring different things with romance and about romance as a gejre.

Ulf & Shiera sketch page! ft. Tumbleton-era hijinks, their first meeting, their dragons, and the already posted Drunken Misadventure!

Realised as i was sketching that they're VERY daemon-nettles coded, and i've decided i actually like that for them. of COURSE Ulf would want his own bastard wild-dragon rider to dote on as a surrogate daughter once Daemon got his! AND he's gonna dad even better than Daemon does!

Does that mean Ulf & Daemon's rivalry passes down to the next gen? It remains to be seen! (I literally haven't decided yet lol)

also: mama silverwing and her least problematic baby! I'm never fully happy with my Grey Ghost design, but he's meant to be very sleek and yet frill-y because ?? they help him fish?? idk how fish work but trust me that's probably what they're for. They also flare up when he roars/breathes fire!