fuck okay, you can do this. it's just a night without him... one simple night. yeah it'll be fine. nope. nope. nope. i need to know how he's doing. "how are you?" no response? right his phone is dead, wait, no, okay, maybe he's not alright, maybe he's mad at me, maybe I'm not good enough. what am I talking about? of course I'm not good enough. fucking slut, fucking whore, fucking cunt, fucking fat ass, fucking good for nothing, fucking loner, fucking emotional bitch, fucking loser, fucking NOTHING... wait, did my mind go blank? am I really even here? it doesn't seem like it anymore. perhaps I just reside in the shell my body used to be in. perhaps I have disappeared along with my mind. goodbye.

Worry. A simple, dreadful sort of emotion. All I have felt is as if I were going to drown all afternoon. My eyes are not the neutral colour of grey that they normally are but instead this bright, intense blue surrounded by red veins where the white is supposed to be and puffy, pink skin underneath. My head aches, my stomach swirls, and my heart, well my heart makes no sense. You tell me that you love me, that you'll never leave me, that it would pain you greatly to see me go, yet I feel such intense hurt from a simple misinforming. I don't know why and I know it's unfair to expect you to be my knight in shining armour yet I'm completely vulnerable for you and I need you to protect me. I don't need you to protect me anymore babe, I got it. I'll put up my walls, paste on a smile, and go on my merry way just happy still being held by you.

Dear, I love you and that will never change. Thank you for being mine.