𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙

There was an odd sense of relief that as knowledgeable – as smart as Nora seemed to Billy, that she didn’t have any firsthand experience with frat guys, either. “Yeah, I have. And I see the– the resemblance. Not that Mikey’d– not that he’d like hearing that, though.” And certainly not that Billy would tell him. Even though Billy suspected Mike wouldn’t recognise those kinds of characters for the assholes they were, even when everyone else did, frat guys weren’t Mike’s ideal, either – and not for their behaviour, but because brotherhood wasn’t what Mike wanted when it came down to it. He wanted something more like mindless backup. “Thanks.” Billy’s reflexive gratitude turned to something else entirely at the compliment that followed Nora’s promise, and Billy turned to look more fully her way. “You saying I have a pretty face, Nelson?” he asked, partially to provoke a reaction from her, and partially because, well, she couldn’t possibly mean it how it sounded. Could she? The kind of concern her boyfriend absolutely wouldn’t appreciate; that would give Mike a reason to blacken his other eye. “It really is,” he agreed, smiling as he took yet another deep breath. “It’s like a secret side to somewhere I thought I knew like the back of my hand.” It wasn’t just Mike and Nora’s neighbourhood, it was his, too; and Billy had to wonder if proximity wasn’t part of why he’d let himself be dragged so closely into Mike’s circle; why he’d fallen under his spell so effectively. Most of him, though, was simply relishing in the easy company Nora provided; a welcome change from the guys he’d been around all evening. His supposed friends. He nodded slowly at her assessment – it went unsaid that an upset Mike was the last person Billy wanted to deal with. Something bloomed in his chest at her laugh, however brief, however awkward it was. “Maybe I was a little dorky as a kid,” he admitted with a shrug. Before he’d been totally comfortable with his birthmark; before he knew how to confidence in such a way that it didn’t piss off everyone around him even further. “You’re talking to the kid who skipped English in favour of a smoke break behind the gym,” Billy replied, poking fun at himself with hopes of putting her more at ease. “Who do you consider the classics? You got a favourite?” He didn’t know why her answers were starting to matter so much to him, but he wanted to know; wanted to know anything she was willing to share, really. “Makes sense, though. You think I could ever see one? If I’m around when Mikey isn’t?”

Mike would hate hearing it, he wouldn’t simply dislike it, but she had a feeling he knew that so she just nodded stiffly. It seemed like they both knew just how bad her boyfriend could get, but found reasons to stick around regardless. She wasn’t sure what that said about then. In her case, it meant that she was terrible at standing up for herself. Was he in the same boat as her? It was hard to tell. He wasn’t tied to Mike in the same ways, which should’ve made it easier for him to escape and yet... Here they both were. Pretending to go on an errand to get away from him. “It’s not ugly,” she said as detached as she could pull off. As a girl with a boyfriend, she shouldn’t be commenting on any other guy’s pretty face, but the fact that Billy was one of Mike’s friends... Well, that made it exponentially worse. “I mean, I’m not blind. It’s hard not to notice these things.” She should’ve just shut up after her initial reply, but felt the need to defend herself. She still wasn’t sure how much of this encounter would get back to her boyfriend’s ears. “That’s because you usually stay inside when I go get food for you guys. Not that I hold that against you or anything. You come over to hang out with Mike, not me.” It was hard to picture a time where Billy wasn’t one of the cool guys, but she had to admit she sort of loved picturing him playing dodgeball as a kid. It wasn’t exactly the sport the popular kids usually went for. “Dorky’s good. Being dorky is better than being a prick,” she said meaningfully, knowing he’d know exactly who she was referring to. “Oh, so the dork eventually became the rebel? Interesting. I was your typical book nerd. Pretty quiet and not very wild.” She had friends, but she never got invited to parties or pep rallies. “F. Scott Fitzgerald. The Great Gatsby is just... magical. I feel transported whenever I read it.” Nora shrugged shyly, looking down at her feet as he asked to see her work. She never showed her paintings or drawings to anyone, but she felt like maybe Billy out of all people would get it and might not judge too harshly. “I guess, sure. Just promise you’ll pretend you love them even if they’re seriously awful.”

“Is that what frat boys are like?” Billy wouldn’t know, outside a television screen – he’d never been to college, never set foot in a frat house, and frankly, had never wanted to. His job at the garage didn’t even require his high school degree, though he’d graduated anyway (and barely). It was easier to ask such a pointless question than to address the subtext of their little discussion: just how awful her boyfriend was. He wasn’t about to say it, and it seemed she couldn’t either, so they were just talking around it in circles. “Yeah, you are.” It wasn’t exactly stiff competition, especially that evening – her boyfriend had been in particularly poor form – but if Nora wanted to take it as a more personal compliment? Well, Billy wasn’t about to take it back. “It’s certainly not crowded here,” he observed, taking another slow deep breath of crisp night air. It made him feel a bit cowardly to agree he’d only be her friend in secret, but there was no point pretending otherwise. “I don’t have a death wish,” he replied, a hint of a grin accompanying his shrug. “I think that’s the best plan for everyone concerned.” Including Nora – just as much as he didn’t want to get into trouble, he had no desire to make things any harder for her, either. “You take that back, Nora Nelson, I’m not dorky!” What he was, was loyal, perhaps to a fault. Particularly when that loyalty was aimed at undeserving candidates. Nora, though, was far from undeserving, and there was no hesitation in his voice as he said, “I won’t, promise.” Still, Billy found himself wanting more detail than she’d offered. “What kinda things do you like to read? And draw?” He’d nearly asked if she was any good, but he suspected she’d be a poor judge of that.

“So I’ve heard. I’ve actually never met a frat guy, but you’ve seen how they’re portrayed on TV, right?” She said, giving him a knowing look. She didn’t know about Billy, but Mike sure as hell acted like those entitled, douchy frat boys she always saw on shows. He slept around, treated his friends like shit and was all around a terrible fucking person. “I promise not to tell Billy you said that. I’m pretty sure he might give you a black eye if he ever found out and I prefer your face the way it is right now.” She nodded, looking around the two of them at the deserted street. She loved this time of night – when most people were getting ready to go to bed inside their homes and the streets were barely lit. She was usually alone when she took a stroll outside at this hour, but she didn’t quite hate being with Billy either. “It’s not. Refreshing, right?” He’d spent his entire evening surrounded by people, she figured he might benefit from this even more than she could. “Yeah, that’s probably for the best. He would be pretty upset if he knew we got along.” She laughed, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear self-consciously. “Hey, you’re the one who referred to your dodgeball friends as friends for life. That’s pretty dorky. You don’t look like a dork, but you sure as hell talk like one.” She found herself almost embarrassed when he asked for more details about her hobbies, afraid he would judge her like her own boyfriend certainly would. “I read pretty much anything. I like the classics, though,” she told him with a smile. “As for drawing, well, I draw anything that inspires me. Usually objects or places, since I’m not around very many people during the day.”

He hesitated for only a moment before saying, “You’re gonna have to be a little more specific, there was a lot goin’ on back there.” And the drinking beer, the hanging with his friends, even a few of the stupider things they’d done earlier that evening, that, he’d been into. What he hadn’t been into was Mike treating Nora like shit – like worse than shit – the insults and the cheating and ordering her around like she had nothing better to do. And even if that was what Nora had meant, admitting as much without any kind of prompting felt dangerous, disloyal, and a whole lot like the kind of trouble he couldn’t come back from. But he didn’t have a good answer for her next question, either, and he knew a shrug wasn’t going to cut it. “Well, you’re much better company than your boyfriend. And … I needed some air.” As close as he’d come to confessing how irritating he found Mike that evening, and how badly he wanted to slug him. “I would,” he answered promptly, wincing as she went on. She was right, of course, she was right, but– “You wouldn’t be stealing me. I’m a big boy, I can chose my own friends. And it’s not like Mike’s gotta know, anyway.” That was the only way it would be possible, anyway; it was too complicated to worry about logistics of what Mike would do if he knew. If he even knew they were hanging out right then. “Of course it counts! Dodgeball friends are friends for life.” Or until high school ended, whichever came first, but Billy didn’t care about the details, not when he was trying not to think about the way his name sounded on her lips. Or the fact that she was giving voice he’d had when they first started talking that evening. “I know,” he agreed, wracking his brain for something, anything that felt like safer topic of conversation. “What do you do when we’re out, anyway?”

Mike’s treatment of her wasn’t something she’d ever voiced to anyone. Her friends had gotten tired of it and left or she’d simply alienated them because her boyfriend didn’t like them and she didn’t have much family to go to. Billy was giving her a chance to talk about it but admitting Mike’s fault in front of him felt like some kind of betrayal. She also didn’t know him well enough to be sure he wouldn’t tattle on her the second they got back. “Just the whole thing. Hanging out with them at our place, getting drunk and acting like frat boys,” she said with a forced laugh, playing it off as a joke. “I am? Oh.” He’d never made much effort to hang out with her before, so this was a tad bit surprising. “I get needing here, though. The living room was starting to feel a little bit... crowded.” As it usually did when Mike had his friends over. Honestly, the house felt crowded when it was just her and Mike, so having his friends over on top of it... well, it wasn’t that enjoyable. “Is that the only way you’ll be my friend? If Mike doesn’t know?” She asked him, the hint of a smile on her lips. She understood why he wouldn’t want him to and, honestly, she didn’t want her boyfriend to know either. He’d find a way to ruin their friendship before it even had a chance to begin, she just knew it. “Friends for life? Billy Keating, I never knew you were so dorky.” Nora couldn’t recall the last time someone had asked her about herself and she found herself stumbling all over her words as she tried to answer her. What did she do when she was by herself? All the things she couldn’t do when Mike was around. “I like reading a lot. Drawing too. Mike doesn’t know about the drawing, though, so... keep it to yourself.”

Billy glanced Nora’s way, his brows shooting up at the way she back-tracked so quickly. She did that a lot, he realised abruptly, changed her tune to tell him what she seemed to think he wanted to hear. Or, more accurately, she did it a lot with Mike, and she’d done it a few times in the brief time they’d been talking. “What did you assume?” he asked gently, wanting to know what she’d really thought. “’Cause I’d definitely be here with you than in there with them right now.” Even though he had to turn up the collar on his coat against a sudden chill wind. Even though he had no idea what he was doing, really doing, walking her to the pizza place. He nodded slowly as she went on – he could only imagine what it was like, waiting for Mike, and the rest of the guys, to come home. Nora probably had to get to a lot of things he couldn’t wrap his head around. “Well, if you ever want company …” he trailed off, not sure what he was offering. What he could even offer. And either way, what she could accept. And then she chuckled, a genuine smile on her lips, and Billy was seized by the oddest desire to make her laugh again. “More like on my side of the gym,” he joked, “–But yeah. Everybody wanted to be on my dodge-ball team.”

She didn’t want to tell him what she assumed. It would sound terrible and Mike would get pissed at her for implying that he was a bad friend and that Billy was too good for him. “I don’t know. That maybe you weren’t into what was going on back there,” she said, as vaguely as she possibly could. It was still incriminating, but not as much as saying she assumed Billy found Mike as unbearable as she did. “You would? Why?” That was baffling to her. Why on earth would he rather be with her if he liked being around his friends? He didn’t know her and she was certain he heard all kinds of shit about her from Mike. She couldn’t imagine what her boyfriend made her sound like when he mentioned her around his friends. He probably started talking shit about her the second she walked out of the room. “You would, what, hang out with me? You know how Mike would feel about that. He hated all my friends and I’m sure he would hate it if I started stealing his.” She wanted to accept, she wanted to so bad, but she didn’t want him to get in trouble like she would if she did go out with him. Her smile remained as he talked. Nora wasn’t used to genuine laugher anymore and she kept bowing her head slightly to hide it. “I don’t think that counts, Billy, but fair enough. The guys aren’t so bad anyway. Well, the rest of the guys that aren’t, you know...”

“Clearly,” Billy observed with a brief chuckle. Mike didn’t want her along when all the boys went out, that much was very true, but even if Nora was kind of joking now, Billy couldn’t imagine she really wanted to tag along and actually watch Mike when he was out. Besides, there was a note of something in her voice, something Billy neither knew her well enough, nor was sober enough, to decipher. “I usually like it, too. I’m usually not pretending.” Billy shrugged, though now that he’d said it … maybe Nora was more right about this, too, than he’d like to admit. “I’m not good at bein’ alone, either way. And neither is Mike – he definitely misses having an audience.” Whatever else, or whoever else, Mike might miss, Billy didn’t really want to speculate. “Thanks for the advice, mom,” he teased. “I have made friends before, I have some idea of how it works.”

Nora could only nod when he assured her he usually liked going out with them, realizing she might have fucked up by saying something. His presence with her now, the fact that he had seemingly checked up on her after Mike’s made her believe that maybe he was starting to resent some things that went on when he was with his friends, but perhaps that had been just wishful thinking on her part. She just wanted someone to be on her side. “Oh, I see. Forget I said anything then, I just assumed because you’re here with me right now and not with them...” She hoped that was a good enough save to make him forget she’d said anything at all. “I don’t mind being alone too much. I had to get used to it, you know?” Mike went out a lot and he didn’t like her to have friends over. Not that she had many friends of her own left. Most of them had gotten sick of seeing her make excuses for her terrible boyfriend and ditched her. “Oh, god, don’t call me mom! It was friendly advice, that’s all,” she said with a chuckle. “Really? And is that how it worked for you? They lined up in front of your door?”

“I thought it’d be better to power through, you know?” Billy replied with another shrug. “Get a couple drinks, flirt with a couple girls, have a little fun … Better than sitting alone at home, pretending like I give a shit who gets voted off whatever singing competition’s running these days.” But his efforts to chase his strange mood hadn’t succeeded, that much was clear now. “Honestly, though? I don’t think they’re missin’ me now.” He wasn’t the funny one, or the smart one, or the ringleader; he wasn’t even the typical voice of reason who advised caution before things went off the rails. He was just there, along for the ride. The trouble was, he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. “Yeah? Well trust me, people aren’t lining up for the honour.” Besides, away from Mike, most of the rest of the guys weren’t so bad.

“Is it? I don’t know, I'd pick staying home alone over going out with Michael any day of the week if I were you,” she said with a small scoff, hoping he wouldn’t repeat this to her boyfriend later on. “You don’t sound like you enjoyed any of that very much. Pretending to be into what your friends are into sounds a lot more exhausting than pretending to care about some lame reality show.” She wasn’t one to talk and calling her out on that would be the easiest thing in the world. She knew a shitload about pretending to be into what Mike was into, they had that in common. “I don’t think Mike misses anyone, to be fair. He’s into himself above all else.” Nora smiled playfully, sneaking a glance his way. “I don’t think that’s how making friends works. You need to get out and approach people.”

“Uh huh.” Billy wasn’t about to argue the point. Whether Mike was her keeper, or he wasn’t, it wasn’t really his business either way. All he knew was the last thing he needed was a headache, and listening to Mikey recap the night one more time, or in any greater detail, was going to give him just that. “I dunno,” Billy answered with a shrug of his own. He wasn’t being difficult, and he wasn’t annoyed by her questions. He genuinely didn’t know what was different about that night; why he’d felt off, or why he’d suddenly noticed how much of an asshole Mike really was, particularly where Nora was concerned. “I guess I just wasn’t feeling it tonight. Maybe–” he looked skyward, seeking out the moon. “Well, can’t blame it on a full moon.” Not that he put much stock in that kind of thing, anyway. “That’s nice of you. Can’t remember the last time someone bothered with that for me.”

Billy seemed to have a hard time believing her statement, which made him smart and maybe a little too insightful. Not a lot of people noticed how toxic her relationship with Mike was––or maybe they noticed and just didn’t care enough to help. “Why did you go then? They do this every other night, I’m sure you wouldn’t have missed much if you’d stayed home this one time,” she pointed out with a half-smile, her arms crossing over her chest to keep out the cold. “Well, with the company you keep I can’t say I’m surprised. You seem somewhat normal and smart, I’m sure you could manage to find yourself some better friends.” The same could be said for her, but she was good at giving advice, not following it.

If he’d been thinking straight, or, more importantly, even a fraction more sober, Billy wouldn’t have blamed Nora for her suspicion. Just because he was suddenly uncomfortable with the way she was treated didn’t change the fact that he’d never said anything, he’d never done anything about it before. And he wasn’t exactly doing something about it now, either, because … well, because he was a coward. Because even though Mike was an asshole, he was his asshole friend. His asshole friend who didn’t deserve his girlfriend, but that didn’t make it Billy’s place to get in the middle of it all. It didn’t mean, either, though, that he ought to start pulling the wool right back over his eyes, either. He knew Mike shifting his ass from his spot in the other room was just about as likely as a meteor hitting the apartment building. And even though Nora was right, Mike wouldn’t like Billy tagging along either, he wanted to actually do something. “I’m worried, anyway,” he said, not even sure that was the right word, but it was close enough. “If you really don’t want help carrying, fine. I’ll tell Mikey you’re at the pizza place, grabbing his fave. And I’m gonna go grab a smoke.” He couldn’t go back in there, not right away anyway.

Nora was so confused by his sudden kindness that she wasn’t really sure how to react to it. He was clearly unlike the rest of Mike’s friends—unless he had ulterior motives, of course. Not wanted to let herself become completely jaded, however, she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. It would be good to have some company for once, to not feel like a damn maid. “No, it’s not that. You—you can come. Just make sure you tell him it wasn’t my idea when he finds out,” she said quietly, ashamed of her cowardly behavior. All her life she told herself she wasn’t the kind of person who would end up in this kind of toxic relationship, a relationship where she would lose herself, and there she was. A pale copy of the person she used to be. Devoid of interests and personality. She essentially lived to please her shitty boyfriend. It was pathetic. She nodded towards the door, grabbing her crossbody before heading out into the cold night air. “What did you guys get up to tonight? Had fun?”

“I wasn’t–” Billy didn’t even manage to articulate his protestation before Nora had a fresh bottle, opened, in his hand. The truth was, he didn’t know why he’d followed her into the kitchen, only that he needed a breather from all the talk in the other room. All the tenseness that had lingered in the room even after Nora left it. “Thanks,” he said, raising the bottle to his lips, more for something to do than because he really needed anything more to drink. Besides, what was he going to say, he’d gotten a bad vibe, and wanted to make sure she was okay? He was friends with her boyfriend, for fuck’s sake, and before right then, he wasn’t sure they’d exchanged more than a few words in passing conversation. The truth was, aside from being Mike’s girlfriend, he didn’t know very much about Nora at all. Didn’t know what the rest of her life was like, even assuming she had much of a life outside Mike. “I’d eat pizza,” Billy answered with a little smile, suspecting it wasn’t really him she was worried about. It wasn’t Jake, either. But as she went on, he felt another flash – a wish that he could do something to help, but even if the fridge wasn’t empty, he was enough of a cooking hazard that he somehow managed to burn toast on a regular basis. “The delivery’s usually the long part, though, right?” Not to mention the expensive part. “Maybe there’s somewhere open nearby.”

Frowning as he protested, she couldn’t help but wonder what she’d done wrong this time. She was so used to having to defend herself that her mouth automatically opened to do so right as he thanked her. Now that wasn’t something she got to hear very often. Michael was a lot of things, but grateful? Not one of them. “You’re welcome,” she replied quietly, unsure how to even respond to something that wasn’t an insult. Not that she usually responded to her boyfriend’s low blows. She usually just zoned out and waited for his friend to leave their shared apartment. This friend, though, was clearly a bit different than the wannabee Mikes in the living room. For some reason, despite getting his refill, he was still standing there and talking to her like she was an equal. Michael would give him shit for it if he knew. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” She wasn’t happy about the prospect of going out, but she knew he was right about how long delivery would take. Sighing deeply, she grabbed her coat and gathered her things in her pockets. “Can you tell him I’ll be back soon? If he gets mad, just tell him I went to get his favorite kind of pizza.” Hopefully, that would lessen his impatience.

Billy thought he was used to it. Coming back to Mike’s after a night out, his girlfriend waiting, the beer cold and recapping every dumb thing they’d done before coming just short of getting kicked out of the bar. He thought he was used to the crude jokes and Mike flirting (and doing a whole lot more) with anyone in a skirt, and not even really trying to hide it all that well when they came trooping back. Used to Mike’s impatience and demands and the fact that his girlfriend never really looked happy to see him. Or maybe she just wasn’t happy to see them all; the boys; none of the rest of them had girlfriends, and they weren’t exactly looking for them, either; they weren’t exactly the best examples when it came to dating and monogamy. Not that it mattered; Mike was the undisputed ringleader of their little gang. Billy thought he was used to it all, and maybe he had been, but for some reason he wasn’t any more. The jokes had felt a little hollow all night, Mike’s guffaws more callous than earned, but it wasn’t until Mike asked if his girlfriend if she was stupid that the thought floated to the top of Billy’s consciousness. Mike’s girlfriend – Nora – well, she deserved a whole hell of a lot better than being at the beck and call of a guy who seemed to get a little thrill of pleasure from insulting her in every possible way. But as he looked around the room, he saw that nobody else had heard something even the smallest bit unusual and that? Well, that was what made Billy watch as Nora silently stood and headed back into the kitchen. That was what made him drain the second half of his beer and trail after her, Mike and Jake distracted by the remote. “Refill,” Billy answered, holding up his empty bottle like a prize. “Knowin’ Mikey, there’s jack shit around, it’s gonna take forever to scrape together enough of something to make a meal. Didn’t want to wait ‘til you’d managed to work some loves and fishes miracle.”

Living with Mike, Nora was conditioned to keep a beer in his hand at all times. Seeing Billy’s empty one, well, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel slight panic at the sight. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, immediately dropping her search for food and reaching for a full bottle instead. She moved to the drawer where she kept the bottle opener, uncapping it for him before handing it out. Billy wasn’t the worst of Mike’s friends, not in the slightest. She’d dealt with basically everything you might expect from the sleazy dudes her boyfriend brought home—inappropriate comments, requests that were really more orders and the occasional ass grab. Billy, however, had never really stood out to her. Not because he was plain, but because he left her alone. That was all she could wish for at the point she was at, really. “There isn’t. I was thinking of maybe ordering somethin’. Pizza, maybe. I don’t know. I’m not sure what you boys are in the mood for.” Whatever she did, she was certain Michael would find a way to be upset with her. It was inevitable. “I know it’ll take a bit to get here and he probably doesn’t want to wait, but... like you said, the fridge is pretty much empty.”