I am currently sitting and having some English tea enjoying the view from my hotel room. The sunset is amazing. The view is to die for. I haven't had this nice of a room and a view in a long time.
Being a human who craves interaction, my initial thought is that I can enjoy this view all I want but it would still feel empty without someone to share it with. Not necessarily with a romantic partner, but with a friend or with family. Just share it with anyone, and it would make much more sense, at least that is what I feel to be right.
You already know what I did. I shared the view with those closest to my heart. I learned that the quickest way to know who among your friends has your best interests in their hearts is to analyze how they respond to your high highs. I immediately got comments like, "social climber ka dyan", "tangina ang pretentious hahaha", "panggap 101", and a lot more. I was just sharing the view to them because I want to share this moment to these chosen friends, yet as fast as I sent this, they try to discredit my experience, and along with it all the hard work I put to get into where I am now.
Thinking about this, seriously pounding on the thought that maybe I was just over reacting, I caught myself thinking about my down times. The times when I had nothing, when I was at rock bottom. They were helping me get through the dark times, even when they have their own thing to do and are succeeding in their own fields. They were there to support me; or are they? I realized that these people never really helped me. True, they sent me pity, they acknowledged how fucked up I was, buy they never offered help. Not their time, their ears, their arms. No nothing. Just some "grabe hirap ng lagay mo", "omg ang lala" then kalas.
I think these fellas just acknowledge the fact that I am messing up (when I really do mess up) as an ego boost that they are doing better, and discredit the experience I am having, my work, my success (not that I have a lot but still baby steps are to be celebrated) so as to try and put me back to my supposed place, behind them. Just now they stripped me of my joy that I am finally making progress with my goals, they quickly put me back to my "mahirap ka", "di mo deserve yan", "samantalahin mo di na ulit mangyayari yan" zone.
Please know that destroying someone's self-esteem won't make yours grow. Please know that when y'all get to experience something, or achieve something, I am absolutely happy for you because I believe you deserve it and I am genuinely happy for your career, life, and financial growth. I get excited to what you will have next. Appears to me that you don't feel the same towards me and my work. That I have to be always behind you and that I will never deserve the finer things. You don't look at me as a friend, let alone an equal. Now I understand that you see me as a helpless, poor, dumb person from the scums who will never amount to anything and with a blurry future, so you offer your pity while secretly petting yourself for not being as fucked up as I am. You don't see me as a friend but as a comparison point assuring you that you are still better.
At least, now I know. So let me enjoy this view while I sip my english brew. Better to take all these in alone, than share it with someone who wishes me ill.
I also think it is high time for me to trim the grass of my lawn.
