No More Chaos

For years now, trying to find information and help while coming out of the fog of being a decades long target of a covert psychological abuser, I was bombarded with the idea of my co-dependency "issues". Carrying so much guilt and shame of yet another thing that was wrong with me.

I will be spending quite a few posts tearing apart the myth that targets of intimate partner abuse are co-dependent. I am hoping to spend enough focus on it to completely solidify tis idea in my head, letting go of on more victim-blaming concept that I have been encouraged to internalize.

Today I am sharing a bit from an article that has really helped me:

The first part of the article is absolutely profound:

"Having been in the intimate partner abuse field for over two decades, I continue to be shocked that there’s still confusion about identifying abused women as codependent among the professionals committed to helping them. To see an abused woman as codependent is tantamount to blaming her for the abuse she receives. Such a judgment by a professional she turns to for support leaves her feeling alone, misunderstood, and without the right help for her to make a positive change in her life."

Yes, yes, yes!!!! This is exactly what I have experienced. So-called professionals pointing out my co-dependency only kept me in the fog, giving me yet another load of what was wrong with me, leading me to believe that it was my weakness that was keeping me trapped.

I have been in a covert psychologically abusive marriage for over 3 decades, but it has only been about 5 months since I have even been aware of the type of abuse known as psychological abuse.

However, about 10 years ago, some of the fog began to lift and the word "abuse" started floating around in the back of my head, and I began to seek more information and help.

Most of the "help" I received, even from professionals, just didn't quite hit the mark. And quite a lot of it just lead me to believe that I was just as much of the problem and somehow warranted the abuse due to my failures. This caused me so much shame and doubt that it just aided in my reasons for staying, thinking I needed to work on my issues. Which is exactly what my abuser wanted me to think.

The most damaging and victim-blaming idea that was presented to me was that I was co-dependent on my abuser.

It is just recently that I have found some information that has really helped me understand that this is not only another horrible way for, even supposed therapists and professionals, to continue to blame the target of abuse.

I am very angry about how, me being convinced that I needed to work on my co-dependency "issues", was just another horrible concept that just enabled the abusive man in my life to tighten the chains of blame around me.

I am planning to write several posts over the next few weeks to help me sort out all these ideas I have just discovered to help me untangle the lie of co-dependency.

I want to end today with a link and a title to one of the articles that is aiding me on my journey of letting go of the victim-blaming crap that has been piled on me for 34 years:

I read this somewhere once ... "It's like putting a band aid on a bullet wound."

Reading that, I realized that is exactly how the abusive man in my life apologizes. He covers the wound with a band aid, and claims it is all better.

When I express that the wound still hurts, he ignores me at first, denies that he had anything to do with the wound, reminds me of all the wonderful things he does for me. So there is absolutely no way the wound is his fault. He shakes his head, in a sad way, assuring me that all is fine, I am being too sensitive and imaging the pain.

A few days later, when the infection starts oozing out. And I show him the pus, saying I need something to take care of it. He angrily refuses to look at it. Saying I am exaggerating, and why haven't I forgiven him yet. He also hides the antiseptic, telling me I just need to get over it and toughen up.

A few days later when the infection starts to smell, he confronts me about it. Saying he can't stand being around the stink. I say I need help and can he take me somewhere to get the wound looked at. He angrily gets mad at me for expecting him to help. He angrily claims that he's sick of me asking him to clean up my mess that I should have taken care of myself long ago. He then claims: "If you aren't going to take responsibility for your own issues, I am damn well not going to." I cry that he wounded me in the first place. He firmly states, "Get over it!"

Now I am left, with a festering, oozing hurt. While he's out with his buddies, complaining about my physical and mental instabilities. They comfort and assure him that I am crap while he gives and puts up with so much.

I am a victim of phycological abuse at the hands of the man I married. I have been in a relationship with this person for 34 years, the abuse was rarely overt, but I am learning it was there from the start. However, it wasn't until 24 years into the relationship that I even vaguely began thinking he was abusive.

Today I am angry about my being unaware. I am angry at society, I am angry at therapists, fellow christians, pastors, marriage blogs and books. I am angry at the double standards that he put on me and then everyone around me enabled and reinforced these. All of these things just led me deeper into the fog, caused me even more questioning and "fixing" my actions. Led me to think that I was just as much of the problem in the marriage, even sometimes more.

I think back to long before the idea that I was a target of abuse, when my gut was telling me something was seriously wrong, thinking that something wasn't quite right with the way he was treating me. Looking for help and clarity and describing the crazy-making was a difficult thing to do, but I would try. And these were the kinds of things I would hear (and yes, a lot of it was from therapists).

There were the excuses and sympathetic outcries for my abuser, "Men just can't handle their emotions.". "He must have had a bad day at work." "He mustn't have meant it that way." etc, etc, etc.

Then would come the condemnation and blame to me. "You need to let it go." Have more patience, understanding, forgiveness, etc." "You are reading more into the situation." "Take responsibility for your actions." Maybe he wouldn't lie to you if you were a more approachable person." etc. etc. etc.

In hindsight, WTF!?! I am angry that TOO MANY PEOPLE make excuses and elicit sympathy for THE ABUSER, while demonizing the victim for her reaction and anger about the abuse.

I believed that if I was just nicer, more forgiving, more patient, could read his emotions better, be more supportive and understanding, and feel more sorry for his difficulties (even though he was NEVER any of these things for me) then he wouldn't act the way he did.

I have been a target of covert psychological abuse for almost 35 years now, all at the hands of the man I married. It has been a long crazy-making life of being in and out of the fog, having moments of clarity and then slipping back into the chaos. I have been to therapists, on and off, throughout the relationship. Each time leading to more self-blame. more guilt, more confusion.

I have read many books, visited many websites, and read thousands of blogs. Some were helpful, with tidbits of "almost getting it" information. Some were horrifying, leading me deeper into self-doubt and blame. And some of the advice and tools given were downright dangerous.

I just recently read How He Gets Into Her Head by Don Hennessy. This was the most real book about abuse I has ever read. So many lights were clicking on inside my head, both about the abuser whom I married and about the set backs I experienced in looking for help.