neurotic anxiety

i treated you like a friend and you ruined it

you think you’re righteous because you speak so actively about your beliefs and values?

is it one of your values to talk behind people’s back?

i will never ever forget and despise you for sharing my story

you had no right to tell it to people

to deprive you of informing everyone about your experiences.

did you hate me that much?

were you that affected by my life?

why do you give a crap about it?

i respected you enough not to tell others about the stories you told me.

but you told everyone about my stories behind my back.

i was a fool to everyone.

i feel so betrayed and hurt

i never would’ve expected it from you

i thought you had morals from the way you speak

i thought you had values, you had boundaries

but i guess you only care about your own boundaries but not others.

what a shame.

i miss their presence.

sometimes, when you get enough of someone

you miss the things that you don’t have

it’s human things, we like things we can’t have

we don’t want things we already have

we miss them when it’s gone

i just feel this heavy weigh on my shoulders

about my adventure in life

is this the right path? the right direction?

am i just stuck in my old ways?

how should i decide?

am i just missing the past bc im scared of the present?

because im scared of moving forward?

i’m not okay.

i just didn’t wanna tell you.

either way, you know it.

i said my head hurts

it’s true.

it hurts from all the crying

i’m not feeling well

it’s also true

cause my head’s been messed up

someday, it’ll be okay.

well, i didn’t have my girlies w me but it was nice.. i guess. i earned 2h by playing rock paper scissors (which i also won before in a family event.. in some way i felt validated to be a queen of rock paper scissors)

so anyway, it was also rly hot but yeah. the event ended at 5pm and i was so ready to go home. i wanted to shower and just sleep.

idk what happened but somehow, we went to s relatives place near the event place.

i mean i dont have a choice so even tho i wanna go– im just coping. til my dad wanted to go home cuz he’s sleepy and hilo (he’s drunk ig)

then so he told everyone that he’ll be leaving w me and my other aunties at around 6-7pm.

(for context: my dad is the youngest of them. he has two older brothers and 3 older sisters. they were complete in the reunion)

so anyway, i was happy that dad wanted to go home but his two older brothers who were drinking were like WAAAIT. then, it became chaotic.

then it just became chaotic. turns out, it was the eldest brother who wanted to stay and hang out in the relatives place. the middle brother initially wanted to go home but yeah we still went anyway.

so after finding out my dad wanted to go home, they decided to ask someone to drive us home bc he’s drunk. then the middle brother said if they’re gonna drive around then everyone should just go home. the eldest brother said to just have two rounds of drinks before everyone goes home.

then dude wtf they couldn’t decide wtf to do??? anyway, it was rly chaotic and all of us were like wtf is happening.

the ending, we all still went home. me and my aunties, my dad, the eldest brother. the middle brother stayed w my other cousins.

idk how they decided that but whatever, im home. it’s just rly chaotic???? like i feel like things r so simple but they’re making it complicated. whatever, im just glad im home so i can rest, eat and take a shower.

i miss you. do i miss you because i'm lonely? bc i'm not distracted?

why is it so hard to lose you? thinking about it now, it happened so quickly. i felt so many things and i wanna talk to you again but im so scared to complicate things.

but it’s not i want him to come back bc i know there’s a lot going on with his life but i just missed his presence.

i miss talking to him. i guess im grateful that i was with him before he was gone but it’s one of the factors why i missed him bc i was hanging out w him a lot lately.

i also don’t know when he will back, he can take his sweet ass time but i do miss hanging with him.

to the point where i even saved stories to tell to him when he comes back.

he may be suffering rn still, i hope he’s doing well. i prayed that he feels peace now and isn’t hurting as much.

this is the first time ive missed him this much like i kept telling my friend that i missed him.

i don’t rly have things to say except that i miss him and i still do and i wont stop missing him until i see and talk to him again lol.

i think the reason that i grew up to be obedient was because my sister was always the pasaway one. we can’t be both pasaway to our parents, they’d go insane. also, it’s true i think my mom does spoil her. i mean to be fair, she does spoil me too but the way she spoil my sister is a little bit extreme.

there are just times wherein we ask her simple questions and she doesn’t respond. sometimes, she kind of ruins the mood tbh. just a simple yes or no question and no response like for what? if you’re having a bad day, u don’t have to bring it upon everyone.

also, she’s 20 and like i think she should be aware of the right and wrong. at least be respectful towards ur family.

one thing i also don’t like is the way she’s two faced to other people and she’s acting so nice but to us she’s being weird and distant.

- magnets by NIKI

i think she made this song from me, from the first listen it was so fucking relatable that i hate it. why does it feel like that? i try so hard to let go of everything but it’s so hard. i still miss u, the memories and everything that happened. i still want it to happen even tho it’s not right. it’s fine right? to want it to happen but knowing it won’t? i’ve killed the hope in me that it will but still.. sometimes i want it.

maybe it’s true that u want things u cant have. it’s just upsetting bc why did it have to happen in the first place? why couldn’t it have not happened so i wouldn’t be longing for it now?

why did u make me long for u? why did it start if it’s just gonna end?

why am i still fixated on this even tho things changed a long time ago? was i wrong? deep inside, am i still hoping?

how pathetic, how could i hope for something like this? have i no shame?

i keep thinking maybe i’m just lonely and u just happened to be there. but what was i to do?

every time i tell myself that i need to stop, i can’t? i really have no self control.

hi dad, i miss you. you didn’t come home this weekend and it sucks but i understand you need to have ur space after what happened. i wanted to tell u that i have your back bc i know u often feel lonely and ignored. i hate myself for knowing but not doing anything, i feel useless but also idk how to start. i know communication is so important but i also struggle with communicating just like our entire family. i remember the last time u left when u argued with mom and it shattered me because i thought u would never come back. i remember doing things i never thought i would do again but the pain was unbearable. i was strong this time though, i kept it to myself. maybe im just in denial, idk. i also remember when i felt like they didn’t care that u left. that hurts so bad. why weren’t they upset?

anyway, i hope u come back soon. i try to talk to u as much as i can because i wanted to make u feel like u have me even tho i have my own little world at home. i like playing games to distract myself from reality. sometimes, i envy other families who feel whole and are close to one another. why aren’t we like that? it makes me feel like i have these issues bc of that.

today, i woke up at 5:40 and went to jog w my dad a lil bit near our house. it’s an oval and i had like 8 lapse. it was basically just walking with a bit jogging lol. i dont rly jog that much so like yaaa, but it was fun and nice. very productive. very tiring as well but it’s worth it. also, i got to bond w my dad so that’s always nice 🤍

then like after i rested.. just watched stuff u kno, took a small nap (it was crazy, i slept at 11pm yesterday and woke up early and tire myself then i only took a small nap in the afternoon)

then at lunch, i ate sm (sinigang and adobo) faavs, anything sabaw ill devour it. then i went upstairs walked just to help digest my food (cuz i usually jus lie down which is not good)

oh and i took a shower and got rid of my tonsil stones once and for all omfg cuz like broo it’s rly annoying 💀

then i got hungry at like 5pm so i ate and then opened my laptop.. wanted to play but like i didn’t feel like playing so i just deleted photos in my laptop and also in my phone :)) that was productive. from 10k to 8k in my camera roll, that’s nicee.