not an onmyouji

This past week has left me feeling empty and generally disinterested. I lack sleep, appetite, and even enthusiasm for anything that involves socialization and would just rather rot in bed all day. I’ve been wondering why this was the case -- I’m finally able to live out one of my goals for myself, I’m graduating, and I’m looking forward to new beginnings — I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I talked to my best friend about it, and she told me, “Girl, I think you’re depressed.” 

And oh shit, yeah. I am. 

I remember it all too well: having just graduated from undergrad 8 years ago, I went straight to work, without any break whatsoever. And it’s happening all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I am immensely grateful and humbled for the opportunities, the blessings, and the new beginnings, but transitions are always so weird and complex and depressing. Everything’s just happening so fast that you don’t know what to grasp right now, at least emotionally. 

I think one thing to take away from this is that I’m handling it so much better than 8 years ago. 8 years ago I was a crying mess every night, now I’m just stoic and indifferent. I try my best to cope though, because I know this will pass, but for now, I bask in it, because I think it’s normal, and honestly, it’s necessary.

It’s been five months since I’ve started living alone in a foreign country, on my way to fulfilling my goals. While I’ve been busy doing my graduate student things, I’ve also been taking in my surroundings, in a pace that’s best for me. 

In the past five months I’ve come to met people that I know I’m gonna keep for a long time and people who’ve taught me the lesson of setting my boundaries. I’ve caught feelings and learned to set myself free from them, and day by day I try to live as genuinely as I can, and love as hard as I can. 

While I’ve been generally happy for the past few weeks and have overcome very emotional hurdles, I find myself feeling lonely and yearning for warmth. For intimacy. I recognize my desire to stay alone for me to settle my shit, to find my center, to achieve stability, but I also recognize that I’m also human, I catch feelings, and it’s OK to admit to myself that sometimes I also would want someone to hold, someone to care for. That it’s totally normal to feel these things. That it’s OK to get hurt, that it’s OK if someone doesn’t feel the same way. 

That’s what being a human is all about, after all. 

I often think that my ability to love ever so deeply is a hindrance for me. Because people would tell me that giving all of you to other people would only let these people take advantage of you. I’ve learned that the hard way multiple times, but still I never change. I still think there’s something fulfilling in loving another person deeply. Even though you don’t necessarily want to be in a relationship, even though they don’t feel the same way. There’s something noble about loving that even though it hurts, I always make sure not to half-ass it and love another with my whole being. 

I've been told multiple times for the past three weeks how well I'm doing, or how emotionally mature I am that despite relapsing into a crying mess, I still have no urge to message him. Or the fact that I'm just genuinely sad about this transition to aloneness, that actually even though I wish it was because of a third party or hope that it was more conflictual, it wasn't, it was just that our circumstances suck, and I as a human being, can only bear so much burden.

It honestly scares me whenever my friends tell me all these things. I am grateful for their words of positivity because, after all, I know they mean well, I know that they love me and support me and would be there when I need help. But the thing is, I'm desperately trying to keep it all together. I always bury myself in my school work, and I distract myself with a lot of things -- all to remain rational, all to remain "emotionally mature."

Every day feels like I'm one snap away from doing something self-destructive. But this rational part of me holds me back because apart from the fact that there are consequences, I am SCARED of the consequences. I am frozen in my place, unable to know what to do when the emotions get too high. All I could do whenever this happened, was cry.

It’s been a week since I’ve moved countries and while I’m having fun exploring the place, immersing myself in its culture, I can’t help but feel homesick. 

I don’t know how my brother or my predecessors did it, but while I do love being alone and living alone in another country has always been my dream, I can’t help but long for my home country and yearn its familiarity and warmth. Maybe not the transportation or the shitty system, but for the people I love. 

It’s weird not getting to see them anytime that I want. It’s weird not seeing familiar faces and places. And it’s weird not being able to eat homecooked meals. 

I know I’ll be busy in the next few months with school, but this last week of freedom is making me feel things, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. 

It’s been a week since I’m home, and it’s the closest that my mom and I have ever been. Our relationship wasn’t always like this, but it’s been better, and I’m grateful for that. Moreover, the more conversations we’ve been having, and the more I learn about how she was brought up and her experiences, the more I understand why we’re all wired the way we’re wired. And how it’s always a combination of genetics and willpower to be who you want to be.