dead weight

I can’t remember the last time I could stomach wasting time on some crummy netflix series. but most days it’s all I can look forward to besides the little sleep I have been able to get

your name seems to pop up a lot lately, or maybe I’m just looking for it subconsciously..I’m sure other people even notice me hold my breath every time I hear it. I’m ashamed of my love for you. that’s the first time I’ve ever allowed that thought to come out so honestly

I don’t regret anything, but I’m so paralyzed that I couldn’t (can’t) accept how much it hurt me the way it all played out

I’ve given myself a grace period. I try skating through my days on the surface because I’m afraid of what lies beneath. what if it tears me apart? I don’t want to rebuild, I don’t want to start over

it always feels like I’m constantly in transition between pulling apart & coming together, but it’s so difficult for me. I don’t think I’ve ever truly learned how to navigate this pain, it’s reoccurring & each time I feel it I hear this childish scream from inside “why!” “what could I have possibly done to deserve this!!”