I will love you anyway

being completely honest and communicating is really hard. i know it's needed and need to remind myself i'm lying when i don't say how i'm really feeling.

i'm really glad he's finally admitting it might mean divorce. and can do it without crying. the communicating and reconnecting will be best for whatever outcome there is.

setting boundaries is going to be SO hard. i've just done whatever for so long now. want is so intertwined with dislike i can't tell the two apart. do i feel indifferent about this for distracted reasons, disconnected reasons, or is there serious dislike there that i've just allowed to feel indifferent

I really don't want to start another medication that's another nervous system depressant. but I also feel like that's selfish.

he says i'm not broken but we're literally trying to fix something that could be wrong with me because of my brain. if it's not that then it's that my brain is different on se.uality and that feels broken too even if it's not.

i'm really glad he's getting help. i'm sorry this is what it took to get him to talk to someone, but i'm glad he is. the fact that he never told me he was s.... in louisiana hurts. god what a shitshow that time was there. in addition to it just being louisiana. i completely block out how unhappy i was there. it's easy to do because i was so busy with the kids and whatever.

i actually don't know if i want to wait another two weeks for therapy. but also knowing he doesn't approve of my therapist also makes it hard to be like "hey i'm going to go talk to my therapist."

This week's whatever and whatever.

Yesterday's outing is one of those that makes all things with my relationship hard. Not even the outing but after. The whole fucking day. He's my person. He's here, he helps take care of me. Not saying he still can't be a support person after if that's what I'll call it. But it's sure going to make it harder. I legitimately had a good time, but course I did I married him for a reason. There's just one big reason (and some small ones) that make know we really just can't. Even if I get into the t m i stuff i don't want to put and accidentally get caught by a bot or something but he knows me, my body, what i like. not that someone else couldn't learn. i'm always first but i shouldn't be spending... second (lol keep dancing alex) time continually going 'mmk i don't like this'. repeat after yourself, 'attraction and love is not the same thing as sexual attraction'. doesn't matter how many times i say it it still doesn't completely... i KNOW but i. it's not fair.

but. I'm losing time. or not. i don't know. play flashbacks for the thousandth time, how you feeling, self? not great? that's fine. have some more. take your pick.

doesn't even touch the north the last week. that's shit. what will i talk about in therapy on tuesday. all of this. none of this. does it matter? nah. i don't feel great. i know what to do to help but it'll get worse first and can i handle that physically and emotionally? i get more doubtful by the day.

the fact that it feels like i just did this yesterday is probably why it's good for me to do it. exercising my brain to think about these things... feelings... or whatever. i prefer denial boxes but that's okay

another week feeling absolutely drained by what is happening with the frozen water. i can only begin to imagine what it's like to live there. hearing from people i love there tears my heart out. the stories are tragic and i continue to be destroyed the hate on people's hearts. how can you look at a child and think that they need to be taken and put into a dentention center? a child. all the while keeping an ear to the ground because t's school has a more non-white percentage than most of the schools around here.

that's the majority of my mental capacity. lost my cool last night with the boys, i'm not even sure why. they were just being kids. my patience is short.

she asks how i am and i keep trying to find a way to say fine but not fine in a way that seems okay.

i keep thinking i need to go find those relationship journals we've had for years... maybe they'll help us have a conversation. but also why do we struggle to stick to anything like that. used to be better. i can't even think when the last conversation we had about our relationship was? i feel like that's bad.

i think i'm getting sick. i'm worried all the stress i'm holding in my body is making my body fall apart some. maybe not. i don't know.

all the thoughts and worries this week.

most recently worried that all my shit got stolen with that stupid microsoft outlook hack or whatever the fuck happened last night.

i'm worried for all of my loved ones. hispanic especially. everybody's well-being both mentally and physically.

thinking about the family trip in june. where we could go. whose marriages will still be intact by then.

her. i think about her a lot.

worried about my job. worried about my brain, but not as badly as last week.

posting all the 2016 stuff last night was a reminder of how life was so stressful then, but it's still stressful now just in different ways. i miss my velcro toddler, but the preteen one is fun too. just as needy but in different ways too lollll

i'm still struggling a lot with making myself slow down on weekends especially. i keep meaning to have days where i relax but i know if i don't get the stuff on the weekends it won't get done. it's been nice having michael home but the semester starts monday and it'll be back to him not being home a lot of the time. interested to see how that works with the less driving thing for myself.

i'm worried about my body. the pains i'm having. the hate i have at parts of myself.

need to remember to work with atti on reading. i still worry the world will break him and i don't know how to keep his heart soft but strong.

just a lot. a lot a lot. it's all up there.

until next week

what a heavy day to write this, after the shitstorm that was yesterday in minneapolis. it's so hard to be living in this space of living daily life weighed with what is going on. not to mention trying to parent. i'm worried about what T specifically is hearing at school, or if he is. it's terrifying, trying to raise empathetic children, in a time like this. it feels so weird to be taking in news like this and then turning around and parenting

i'm still anxious post-seizure. constantly worried it'll happen again. minus all the lowering of thresholds around christmas, there really was no warning. i think that's what's getting me the most. minus right before when i was able to get to a safe space. the flashbacks i have are not fun. i hate that christmas sucked so much. i also hate that i was finally getting to a place where i felt i could talk to michael about everything and then this happened and it set me back. because part of me thinks i can't leave. i feel like i need him, even if that's not the case. it's scary to think about being by myself and having a seizure, even though that can happen even now. he's a point of calm and reassurance after one happens. so i'm back to being scared. and that sucks.

i think those are the big worries right now. there's always the over-arching worry about the kids and that i'm screwing them up.

*about big not great thing happening that he can't control* me: just gotta shove that shit down deep him: that's not how that works me: works for me him: if that's what your therapist is telling you, you need a better therapist me: well, sounds like you might need one to help you with this. maybe you should go to one him: i don't NEED a therapist me: just saying it might help him: i AM A THERAPIST me: IT DOESN'T MATTER