roaming

walking along the Thames

Kew Gardens, London

London, overlooking the Thames

when this happens, the addition of animal experinece, you just feel like you are being pushed down.  i feel like i dont stand a chance. i wonder and question whether God wants me to get this job or not.  I also thought about: God makes me weaker, so He can show His power. I thought about that story in the OT, where God says, He needs less men to fight an enemy army, until God has only about 300 men, (He had kept reducing the number). Why? so that you cannot boast. so that God’s power can be revealed in your weakness. Now in my case, the outcome may be that you dont get the job at all, and you fall short at the interview.  I still need to trust that God has that in my best interests. God isnt there to do what I want Him to do. He is there so that His Will and Glory is best and greatest.  I will still praise you, even when I dont get it. Even when the requirements get harder. Even when i keep failing. Instead, I will look to you, and trust in your provision. Trust that you care for me, and want the good for me and your Will. Help me to align myself to your Will, to desire it above my own. 

Interview prep is a form of torture. Theres something about talking about yourself, referring to various work scenarios/situations you have been in, and then finding that they are of little substance, that makes you procrastinate and cringe at the thought of preparation.  However, i have stopped all form of job hunting, just to focus on my interview preparation. and the hardest thing is that, ive never had to prepare like this before. and so, i am starting from scratch, for a graduate job.  Not a good place to start.  But theres a first for everything.  so I pray that God uses my weaknesses and my poor scenarios, and works a miracle out of them. And all i can do is to work hard at this moment. 

I thought it might be a good idea to post every now and then what I have been up to, and where my job hunt leads me. Hopefully it will help me see how far Ive come, when I re-read it a few months and years down the track. RIGHT NOW: Its probably been about 3-4 weeks of my job hunt, and so far, I only have 10 job applications which I have sent. To account for this, I know I probably apply to about 4 jobs or less a week, and the first few jobs i applied for took forever to write, as I built my usual ‘phrases’ and situations to write about.  self reflection: I *may* be a perfectionist. Why might i think that? Well I procrastinate severely when I know I wont get it right the first time. The idea of not reaching “perfection” makes me not even want to start.... This does not apply to all things though, but it seems to be delaying my desire to record music because frankly, the amount of work and practice required to do a perfect recording is so off-putting, it may even take the joy about of playing music.  So I began this year knowing that I would have to completely trust God with what His plans are. Especially when I didn't have any real concrete plans of my own. and I am one of those people who don’t ever really know what their passions are, or have any life long dreams or clarity in terms of life direction.  and so I began, in very foggy circumstances, wondering what on earth this year would shape out to be.  Some tasks I did that have helped me stay sane and “productive”: 1. The act of job hunting makes you realise what jobs are even out there. You can get a better picture of whether you can envision yourself doing them. you will discover jobs you have never heard of. This is a start, to thinking what you might want.  - I have mostly been looking at hospital scientist jobs, as well as research assistants, venepuncture jobs, “technical officer” roles, anything with the word ‘scientist’.  2. Self reflection in whatever shape or form - actually work out more about yourself if you are as indecisive as myself. The best is having a list of questions you can answer. I had a list of questions I got from Crossway, which asked me some critical questions about what faith-related and physical changes and decisions I would make, to improve this year, compared to the last.  https://www.crossway.org/blog/2016/12/10-questions-to-ask-at-the-start-of-a-new-year/ I am still going through the list, because they are very difficult to answer. 3. I went through forums on google about those who were also job hunting and had been unemployed for a long time. These have been super encouraging and show you a realistic view of it all.  4. I made a list of things I wanted to get done sometime this year.  for example, do a first aid course.  I also made a list of things I wanted to do but was too afraid to.  I think being honest with yourself from the beginning helps you find and ask God for courage to help you do them.  for example, volunteer at a hospital... 5. Have other actual work you can do - maybe stuff you have done previously from last year, that you would like to continue. this could be self employment (tutoring or online business), go training for sport.... etc.  For example, for me: it was to get more  involved in church - join more activities you normally wouldnt.