that girl.

it’s hard to put all my thoughts into short simple sentences. love is hard. this past week i’ve been doing a lot of thinking of what i’m lacking or what i’m doing wrong. i strongly feel that i have the capacity to hold and give a lot of love, and i guess in some senses too much love. i’ve been told not to waste my energy on people who don’t reciprocate it back. but how do i do it if i just have so much love for that person. he’s probably the first and last thing i think about when i wake up and go to sleep. i guess i check my phone often to see if i get lucky to get a text or a phone call. i hate the feeling of being “too much” for someone. i would do anything in a heartbeat to make this person happy. i know this person is currently dealing with a lot of stuff and i really just wanna be there for him. i want him to be happy, i want to be his comfort, and i wish i could receive the amount of love he gets not only from me but from others around him. i sometimes feel selfish when i want certain things. i’m confused if it is necessarily a bad thing or not. tbh sometimes i wanna be shown off, i wanna be his number one girl and want him to shout it. i want him to be proud of me and i want him to appreciate me a little more. am i asking too much? i try not to ask for it because i don’t want to be an annoyance. i never mean to do any harm, cause any stress or hurt, but sometimes my words get misconstrued. its tough. i guess i really need to follow thru with my words and do less, like leave space for him to miss me. i know its gonna be hard cuz i get really antsy. i want him to think about me, ask me about my day, communicate with me, and just show a little more. ugh. it’s really conflicting and i’m really doing my best to be as understanding as possible. i just don’t wanna walk on eggshells. at the end of the day when i look at things realistically, i can’t force someone to want me and make me their comfort. i feel like i keep going back and forth with myself and idk if i’m lowkey stressing myself out over something stupid. i feel dumb. i thought i was gonna feel better typing this shit out but i kinda do but i kinda don't at the same time. i’m not as poetic as a used to be. i’ll just stop here. i don’t even know where i’m going anymore & now i feel like i look bad. both of us are right and wrong. idk. 

need to start moving forward working towards the best version of myself. instead of posting & always checking on him i’m just gonna journal it out probably. this is all sooo fresh, we both need to let time heal ourselves. i’m always filled with so much worry that he’ll move on & forget me. i know genuinely & TRULY in my heart that he’s it for me, my soulmate, my one, the love of my life, the additional luxury of life that adds on to the foundation i have for myself. so why worry, when things will work out so how some way for the both us in the end. the timing rn isn’t just right. it hurts, we’re both hurting & that’s okay to not be okay. we can’t be happy all the time or we wouldn’t appreciate or know what happiness is. i’m gonna do a lot of self reflecting & changing at this time. i’m taking this break for myself. i just hope one day we both can build each other up like we first did when we first dating. we both deserve the best & you were right that we both at the point anymore. all of this is really easier said than done. everything will always be out of love.

it fucking HURTS knowing that you don’t even see it. yes i want you to be the best version of yourself without but you have someone else & you don’t even realize it. you depend on her emotionally & it damn near looks like you two are in some kinda relationship even if it isn’t romantic or physical. it just makes me hate myself even more. fuck me dude. why me. why this situation. why her out of all people. i know i have no right to tell you who not to hang out or give any opinion anymore not like my opinion matters but why HER. like forreals. open up your eyes & look from another perspective. i’m fucking hurting.

i’m looking thru pictures crying. i miss you & i miss making you smile...

people tell me to not to hate myself or take it too hard but how the fuck am i supposed to do that? everything is my fault he even said so himself. it feels like my world is crashing down on me. i can’t blame anyone but myself. i genuinely hate myself for this & i don’t think he gets that. not like it’s matters anyways.

you’re always on my mind in every aspect. as much as it hurts me i can’t be selfish when it comes to you, i could never. i wonder if you’re okay, how you’re doing, did u eat, are you happier without me, etc. fuck, honestly you probably could care less about me & my feelings. & with tryna be rational, i know that is unrational. unless you actually feel that way. i feel so unimportant.

how tf am i supposed to get up everyday knowing that i lost someone that is so important to me. i’m fucking hurting so much. my chest & my heart are pounding. it actually pains my whole body. fuck. idk what to do or feel anymore. i just wish this was all a really bad dream. it hurts so much.

this shit hurts so much

fuck my life. am i really that big of a fuck up.

still & will always be worth it to me

after getting THIS perspective i am genuinely so pissed off.

there’s genuinely no one else in this world i can love more than you, until we have our children together. but i love u more than all the universes combined. the idea of losing you breaks my heart x99999999. if feels like i world is ending. a life being without you feels like a life i can’t ever life. i know we need a break now, but please come back to me. if you really loved me that much you would. please. not now but pls have a willing & open heart in the future. it’s a hard concept to think about rn but we just need time & space :/

thank you for everything you’ve done for me. i’m gonna continue to work on me & work on us cuz u really deserve the world & more. i’ll love u forever & do everything in my power to prove it.