Nina W.

“Of course not. She doesn’t think that she fits in your life, maybe she’s right. Maybe we don’t fit here, but I just thought that it would be nice to have this conversation with you, even though it probably won’t change things for you. Or maybe it will. I don’t know.” Ellie shrugged and smiled at her sister, she didn’t even know 15 minutes ago. To be quite honest she came not only for her mother, but for herself, too. It was weird to know that you have a big sister, somewhere and a whole family you’ve never met. The blonde knew that if she was in Nina’s shoes she would probably react the same way, but it kind of sucked. “Don’t apologize. Thank you for leting me meet you. Can I ask one last thing? How old are they?” Ellie asked and pointed at the framed photo of Nina and her kids next to the bed. “Those are my nephews, right?” she smiled. “I - I have a cat. No kids, no husband, no boyfriend. Her name is Lily. The cat. It’s not important, but that’s something about me.” maybe throwing random facts about her, would make Nina more interested, maybe she would care more. “Uhm - I hate melons. They taste disgusting. I put the Christmas decoration in October. I work as a waitress. I can’t draw, like at all, even if my life depends on it. And I really like it better when people call me Ellie. And I suck really bad at math.” looking at Nina’s face, Ellie really regretted everything she just said, but oh well she didn’t like her anyway. “I’m sorry. I’m leaving.”

“Jamie is four. Amelia is two. I also suck at math. And I had a Teddy Bear when I was little. Her name was Laney. So I’ll - IF I someday get to the getting to know you phase, that’s how I’ll probably call you. And melons are the best, you’re crazy.” What was the point of holding so much anger. Nina looked at the picture of her family and smiled. “Delaney...the most important thing about me, that you need to know is that the person you described earlier is the reason I am this way. The loving mother you described is the one to blame for my messed up personality. She’s the reason I make friends harder, she’s the reason I always keep some kind of distance...from everyone. Even my husband. She’s the reason i cry most of the time every August, cause in my opinion this month shouldn’t exist. She left in August.” the blonde looked at her new found sister and nodded “She made it hard for me. But...maybe one day, you and me can get to know eachother. Not today, but someday.” 

“Maybe you’re right. Not the same person. She doesn’t mean the same to you as she does to me. But she still means something. The reason I came is - is kind of stupid. She writes, like a lot. Maybe 5 boxes of letters and they all are adressed to you. She never sends them, but they have their own room.” the blonde said smiling. “It’s absurd. She’s absurd. She’s scared to send them, she’s scared to call you and she’s scared to break into your house, but I’m kind of different, like I already said, I’m rude and tactless and I have the guts to come, so…I just want you to know, that I have no idea why she left you and why she never got over it. But I wanted you to know that if one day you decide to ask, from what I know, you’ll get the answer. And Nina, for the record…my graduation wasn’t the only one she attended.” Ellie said, walking towards the door. 

She still cared about her. But why she never called. Maybe if her mother had tried to reach out sooner, maybe things would be different now. "So she didn’t send you?” not that Nina was dissapointed, but she kind of hoped, deep inside that her mother send her, cause she finally felt bad enough for all of this. That she finally wanted to at least apologise. “Delaney, that doesn’t mean anything. I can also write to Santa Claus every day, but why write a letter you know won’t have any use? Those letters aren’t for me, they are for her...it’s like a Dear Diary kind of thing. She’s guilty and makes herself feel better by writing things she’ll never. So if she really wants to talk, or she really missed me so much, she can reach out, I can’t promise that I’ll be happy to see her, but if she gives me an explination, I can at least go on with my life, without always asking myself why me and my dad weren’t enough. And that should be enough for her, too...that’s the best thing she can do for me.” when Delaney headed towards the door, Nina looked down. “I’m sorry, but it is what it is. Thank you for letting me know that you exist .”

“I said that I’m your half sister, not that I’m on my right mind. And okay, I’ll leave your house, or I can stay here and you can call the police. But before you do that, can you at least tell me is your mother’s name Stella? Because my mother’s maiden name is Stella Averell and as long as I know, she was once married…and she had a daughter. And her name was Nina. And the girl I just mentioned may think she’s an only child, since she was raised by her father.“ Ellie said nodding. “But okay, If you think that there is no way that I’m your sister, I’ll accept that.”

That was not happening. Could she really be her sister. What was she doing here? “I don’t know if what you’re saying is true, but if it is, I just want you to know that i have no interest in knowing you and your family. Your mother and my mother aren’t the same person. My mother left me when I was little, and like you said I was raised by my dad, and  to add to your statement, a lot of nannies. Your mother raised you, took care of you, maybe even went to your graduation. Maybe she’s caring. But that’s not what my mother is like. So I don’t even know why - what are you doing here... Does she even know you’re here?”

“Well just lock the door next time, how about that.“

“Oookay, just stop for a second…” Ellie said, looking at the phone. “Before you call the police, can I at least introduce myself? It’s Delaney Bowen, Ellie. Rude, tactless, 24 years old, blonde and your half sister. Yay!” not the best way to meet your sister, but Ellie wasn’t too traditional anyway.

“My half WHAT??” Nina asked, not really believing a word the girl said. “Listen what, Delaney Bowen. First of all, I’m an only child, second of all even if all the nonsenses you just said were true, who on their right mind just breaks into someone’s house?? Are you crazy??”

“Hello to you, too.” the blonde smiled and rasied her eyebrow. 

“OH - MY GOD...!!” Nina screamed, when an unknown girl appeared right in front of her. “Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?? I’ll call the police!” the girl reached for her phone, scared to death.

It’s not like Nick particularly enjoyed fighting with Nina. He hated it. It made him feel like his heart was being torn into pieces. On the one hand, he was mad at Nina for going behind his back and contacting a father he never wanted to speak again, but on the other hand he knew her intentions were genuine. She was his wife. All she ever wants is for him to be happy. Nick suddenly got overwhelmed by guilt. “I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have said that. I was saying you couldn’t compare our childhoods, and still I brought your mom into the picture. That was a dick move,” he admitted. He hated how furious the thought of his dad still made him. “I know I still haven’t processed everything yet. Believe me, I know. But too much has happened for me to give him the chance to make it right. At this moment in my life, I still don’t think he deserves that chance. I’m sorry. He has had enough opportunities to make things right,” Nick explained, while Nina started writing up a text. “I hope you can at least understand that. I hope you don’t think I’m… I’m heartless,” he whispered, his voice starting to break. He didn’t want Nina to resent him for not having a big, accepting heart like she did. He took a deep breath, walking closer to her once again. “Drop the spoon,” he quickly commanded as he turned Nina around and comfortingly pressed her body against his. “I don’t want to fight either. And you know I will never stop loving you, no matter what you do or say,” he replied, placing a soft kiss on her temple. “I know better than to let my father ruin things between us. You and the kids, you are the highlights of my life…” He wrapped his arms around her waist more tightly, looking Nina in the eyes. “I’m truly sorry for saying such awful things.”

It kind of sucked that every time she tried to do something good it came out the wrong way. “No, it’s okay...you were right. It’s a different situation.” the girl said looking down. It hurted her, she couldn’t lie, but she deserved it, maybe she wouldn’t be too happy if she was in Nick’s position, too. And she should have known better than this. She wasn’t in high school anymore, she was grown up with family and kids and she should have had a better judgment. “I know and I understand. You’re right, he had them for years now...maybe he was scared, or maybe he didn’t care. I don’t know...” she said looking away, her voice calmer this time. “I could never think that you’re heartless baby, you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met, we’re just different when it comes to some things...” Nina explained with a slight smile. When he hugged her, Nina took a deep breath, she felt so safe, she felt so loved and for a moment she thought that maybe it wasn’t so important who didn’t love them...the important thing was who did. And one thing was sure in her life, Nick loved her so much, that it was enough for 100 more lives. “And I’m truly sorry that I did what I did, we...” she started, now with a happier smile. “We were always enough for each other, and it was a big mistake to search for a love we never really needed. With or without our parents, we made it...we have a beatiful family, amazing kids and we have each other. And that’s stronger than anything else in this world.” the blonde now leaned over and kissed her husband “I love you.” she whispered.

”She ran away, because of me, right? She didn’t love me anymore.” the girl said, bursting into tears. She always ruined everything, she was always so mean with her dad, who was the only parent who was there by her side, through everything. She was once again facing her demons, and somehow managed to hurt Nick. He was right, if she wanted her closure, then why she called Nick’s dad, and didn’t try to find her mom. Now she knew why. She was so scared that maybe it was true, maybe the reason her mother ran away was, because she didn’t love her anymore. “Nina, hey...sweetie, please don’t cry.” her dad said with a quiet voice, running his fingers through her hair. “Your mother left, not because of you, or because of me, but because of her. She just couldn’t figure out what she wanted in her life, but don’t you even think that she didn’t love you. She adored you from the moment we first saw you.” he hated seeing her like that, she was still his little girl. “Baby, please...” he kissed her forehead. He just wanted to make her feel better, he couldn’t stand seeing her like that. “Maybe I should find her...maybe she can explain. I really want to know what made her leave.” the blonde said, hugging her dad. “If I - If I try to find her...would you be ok with it?” she asked afraid of the answer. “I don’t mind at all, baby...if that’s what you need, I don’t mind.” Philip really only wanted to see her smile. No matter what. She didn’t deserve a life full of so much sadness and so much questions. It was no way to live. “So I will, I should finally face her.” Nina said taking a deep breath and wiping her tears.

“I’m not mad, I’m just trying to understand why you would do this,” Nick replied defensively. Maybe in the past he used to be the kind of guy to have outbursts of anger when it came to sensitive subjects like his father, but he had matured since then. “I’m not saying you are wrong, I have let my father ruin a lot of things for me in the past and I still don’t comprehend what went wrong back then, but I’ve been moving on. I have my own family now. I let go of all that.” He knew he was rambling, and he hated discussing with Nina about anything. But what was she expecting? Did she really think he’d welcome his dad with open arms? “Even if I wanted to get back in touch with him – I really don’t think it’s your choice to make, Nina. I’m sorry, it really isn’t.” When Nina started talking about her own situation with her mom, Nick sighed and started massaging his forehead. “Why don’t you go looking for your own mom, then? Just because our childhoods were similar doesn’t mean I feel the same way,” he explained, trying his very best to not loose his calm. “I don’t care about closure, I – I can’t do this. I can’t.”

The girl sighed, she never meant to hurt anyone. “Okay, you moved on. I get it, it was a bad judgement.” she tried to defend herself, but he just didn’t listen to her. “He’s still your dad...you know what leave it. I’m sorry.” She really was, but he obviously didn’t care that much about it. He even decided that insulting her about her mother would be a good idea. “I made a huge mistake, but that really was uncalled for.” the girl said, trying to calm herself. Like she really was wrong in this whole situation, but the “go find your own mother then” was really immature. “Okay, you have this right...I’ll just call and tell him to get lost. If that’s what you want, but please don’t use my mother against me, only to prove your point.” she said, taking her phone, and started writing.

“Yes, yes we are,” Nick replied cheerfully. Whether they were the best parents was debatable, but at least they were sucking less than his very own parents did. Ever since he first found out he was going to be a dad, he had always been determined to make a difference, to break the circle that had the risk of becoming vicious. Now, four years later, this goal had not changed. 

Then, Nina finally said what she had been meaning to say. Nick couldn’t believe what he was hearing – was his mind tricking him? He had just wasted his thoughts on the bad example his father had been, and now Nina was telling him she reached out to him? “Wh – what? You called him?” Nick repeated, trying to wrap his mind around it. “Why? I just – I don’t get it… We were doing fine without him, weren’t we? I was doing just fine,” he continued, completely ignoring Nina who asked him whether he still loved her.

“I - I know baby. Just listen to me...please don’t be mad. Please.” the girl said, feeling guilty that she ever thought that it was a good idea. “I just wanted you to let go of this forever. Cause I know that every now and then you still think about it, about his reasons...you still wonder what went wrong. And I - I...” Nina wasn’t so sure if he even listens to her, but she owned him an explanation. “I know what is it like and I would like to have the chance to...I don’t know, to talk to my mom one day, not to forgive her or anything, but at least to understand why and maybe stop blaming myself for it.” She never really thought about calling his dad, but few days ago she found some pictures from Nick’s childhood and thought why not. It was so stupid to do it behind his back, but still... “Y - you can maybe meet him. And after that you can either decide to have him in your life, or to never see him again. But at least you’ll have a closure.” Nina felt like she fucked up so bad and none of her reasons really mattered.

Nick softly placed a kiss on Nina’s head, as she told her why she thought it was important she made the cake herself. “Jamie’s really lucky to have an amazing superwoman like you as a mom,” he then said, trying to comfort her. He didn’t feel like he was sugarcoating anything though. Nina really was Jamie’s whole world. There was no use in trying to compete with her on the title of best parent. “Okay, if you say so, then I’ll just go back to my chair and admire you from a distance,” Nick replied jokingly. Before he got the chance to turn around, Nina told him she needed to tell him something. “You’re quite known for doing that, yeah. Though I thought it was more something you used to do in high school.” He frowned, not sure what to expect. “What’s going on?”

The girl smiled "What can I say, we're the best parents out there." Here we go, the blonde took a deep breath, knowing that she could probably write a book about how to start a fight in 4 seconds and it would be a best seller. " I called your dad." Nina said worried that most certainly he won't be too happy that she did it behind his back. "Tell me you still love me, please."

Nick softly shook his head, as the corners of his mouth curled up into a smile. “I’m not trying to insult you, babe, I promise…” he spoke. He was sitting by the kitchen island, a cup of coffee in his hand, as he was watching his wife trying to bake a cake for their son’s fourth birthday. With the emphasis on trying. He had offered her his help, but Nina, stubborn as she was, wasn’t keen on accepting it. “I was just saying it might be a bit easier to use the KitchenAid to mix the batter. Nothing wrong with the whisk, it would save you some time is all.” He stood up from his chair and walked closer to Nina, wrapping his arms around her waist as he stood behind her. “Are you sure there isn’t anything I can do?”

Nina knew she was so bad at it, but really wanted to make it herself. That was what mothers do, right. “It’s important for me to do it all by myself. Like tomorrow he will be 40 and he will always remember that I was the best mom. Not the best baker, but still...” the blonde said looking at her husband and laughed softly. “I don’t need help, I promise...” When he hugged her she smiled and quickly remembered that there was something important she had to tell him. “I’m sure...but I need to tell you something.”  she took a deep breath, not knowing what his reaction was going to be “You know how I stick my nose into everybody's business, right? “ she waited for an answer.

“You are so incredibly important to me. And it’s always going to be like that,” Nick said, lowering his voice, his hands raising up to take hers. The next comment made him think for a bit. Was it really a good idea for them to have moved into an apartment together? Was she doubting that? “I don’t… I don’t know when that happened,” he admitted. He had had a lot on his mind lately. Maybe that was the problem… the fact that he was so clueless. He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself together. “Tell you what? I don’t have anything to say about what you do and what you don’t… You just – you need to bear with me. All my life I’ve done nothing but fail. Until I met you, and that’s when things started to look up. I don’t want to become like my father, Nina…” he paused for a bit, hoping she’d understand. “I want to be responsible. Get an education, do something I love doing. Do you not want that for me?”

”I’m trying...I really am. I don’t want to be selfish, Nick...not with you. I love you...” the girl said, cupping her face in her hands. “You’re nothing like your father and you’ll never become like him.“ Maybe it really was a stupid idea...this apartment. This whole 24/7 thing. What if they were too young and too stupid to live together. Was there even such a thing as too young and stupid for those kind of stuff. “I want it...more than anything. I know I can be horrible sometimes and I’m sorry, but I just feel so left out...so ignored.” Nina tried to say it without sounding like a little girl who’s only thinking about herself. She wasn’t sure  if he actually understands why was she making such a big problem out of it. “Ok...just forget it. Let’s pretend I didn’t say anything, can we?” she asked, looking at him.