nikkiana

While I know using a sketchbook to try out ideas and learn new skills is a good idea and leads to growth, I find myself resisting on the premise of "Oh, I'd rather save that paper/paint/etc for something more important than just my sketchbook."

I feel so hesitant to rip and cut up the beautiful papers I've made. I'm constantly questioning medium choice... worried that I'm wasting things in an art journal that would be better used in a canvas board piece. I'm frustrated by not having a dedicated space for my collage, but unwilling to give up my gel print station, so I'm making do on my computer desk despite wishing I had more room to spread out. I'm annoyed by the glue that ends up on my fingers that I spend the next few hours picking off.

I'm trying not to be so precious about things, to just play and experiment and not worry about end results.

But it's also on the days where I'm deeply struggling to keep the difficult thoughts and emotions from swallowing me whole where I'm acutely aware how this practice of making marks on the page saves me and gives me purpose for being, even as cognitive distortions try to convince me otherwise.

This *is* a big part of my recovery and healing.

I find the hardest part to my art practice is getting started everyday, but having small low pressure things that I can do to get started that are the key.

I've been playing around a lot with watercolors and doodling lately, and watching a lot of YouTube videos of people who are doing the same.

I'm not in love with a lot of the experimentation at the moment, but I'm thinking of it more like a journey rather than fixating on a destination.

At some moments, this is actually an asset as well because everything I do is fun, in the spirit of play.

However, the shadow side of it is nothing is ever good enough. Nothing is ever "real art" and I don't feel deserving to take my place amongst those who have found more confidence or are more able to articulate their mission than I am.

This isn't so much to complain as it is to acknowledge this difficulty that I have within myself to feel my work worthy of sharing with others.

This one ended up being a delightful surprise.

I have a few of these now where the lines center on the middle of the page, and I keep finding myself fantasizing about making home decor with drawings like these....

Like, I want a bedspread and pillows... or to hang it on a print on the wall.

But I also have such mixed feelings about print on demand products, and find the whole business of pursuing that avenue overwhelming.