Nightmarish

Just wanting everything to stop

And even if I do eat a small/ tiny bit of any solid food, I immediately purge as if there's an automatic button pressed down inside of me and I start marching to the bathroom.

I lost around 9kg since the beginning of the whole coronavirus lockdown, gone from 63kg to 54-53 it's balancing between the two.

Everyone says that I look so much thinner but I don't freaking see it, I still have the giant back fat and my thighs are still touching and suffocating each others.

I need more, it's literally became an obsession, my mental health is completely screwed ( not that it wasn't at first).

I want to one day wake up and not actually hate myself, look in the mirror and not hate what I see. I want to be better but I also like this whole sickening routine of not eating anything for weeks.