NightSummerRain

I wanted to see what I would get, and I found my result very amusing XD 

My sister, a guy, and I were at a library, going over random things in our lives, debating, etc.

We got on the topic of self-worth and my friend passed by, and said some profound statement like, "If you look at all of these bookcases, each one has flaws and damage from over the years, but they still stand strong, doing their duties, and although they are scarred, do you see them as worthless? Of course not. The same goes for us. Just because we are scarred, doesn't mean we can't still be strong and stand tall."

We all agreed.

After a few minutes, we decided we were hungry and went to get food at an Arby's across the street. We ate and got into my sister's car to all ride home.

My sister had an extra coat and a silly straw hat with her for some reason, so as me and the guy got in the back, she went to the passenger's seat to put the hat and coat there.

A cop car turned on its lights and gave a quick siren, so we all looked over and saw a car that was obviously in the process of being "tricked out" and having bodywork done, because hydraulics were installed, new tires, and a platinum-looking grill, but the frame was beat up and had black primer all over it.

I snickered and went, "Ooooh, someone in TROUBLE!" as the car pulled to the side and parked, about twenty feet away from us. The cop got out and walked over calmly, and I noticed that the car he'd pulled over didn't have license plates or taillights. I nodded my approval smugly.

My sister was talking to us and giggling, about to close the passenger door, but then gunshots started. My eyes shot back to the police and pulled-over cars, and the man who had been pulled over had two guns.

I yelled for my sister to get in the car, close the door, and for all of us to slide down in our seats as far as we could. The gunshots continued, and luckily for us, the large gun ran out of bullets so the man discarded it. 

I could hear the officer screaming into his radio, begging for help, and screaming out codes, and I wondered how he was still alive, but didn't dare move.

I closed my eyes and prayed for our safety, that the man hadn't seen us, and that everyone else around would, by some miracle, be okay.

The driver's side door was yanked open and a large, sweating man got in, his gun pointing at my sister.

"Get up, b***, get up, b****," he kept repeating as she slowly pulled herself into the seat, pushing over the hat and coat, and shaking, but she had a calm and serious expression, and I remember marveling how I had never seen anyone so brave.

"Hand me the keys," he demanded, and it seemed he was either injured, on a drug, or something because his breathing and words were strange.

She didn't move.

In that moment, I began praying again, begging even more for our safety, but suddenly I felt calm rush over me and my prayer changed. "God, I know you can protect us. I know we'll be safe. Protect us." I heard a firm reply, as if it was my own thoughts, but knew it wasn’t. "You must be brave. You must fight back or be used to cause more sorrow. The man doesn't know you're here yet."

I took a deep breath, sat up, and as fast as I could, grabbed the straw hat and shoved it in the man's face. In the confusion, he let go of his gun, my sister grabbed it, and we all began fighting him off.

I jolted awake, shaking from adrenaline, and once I realized it was a dream, tried to relax and go back to sleep, but I had a small thought come to my mind, "Emilee, if there was no straw hat, what could you have done?"

I closed my eyes and replied, "I could've kicked the guy's arm as hard as I could, that way the gun would definitely be pointed away from my sister, and then I would've pepper-sprayed the crap out of his face." My response made me chuckle and I laid there for a moment, relieved and grateful I always carry around my pepper-spray, but I began to think deeper into it.

There are people all over the world going through those kinds of situations, some are even happening at this very moment.

Humbled and grieved by this thought, I said a prayer for everyone who has ever gone through or will go through a situation where their lives are in extreme danger at the hands of another or are witnessing/being affected in any way by an act of terrorism. I thought about all the refugees, school shootings, the Paris attack, the bombing at the Boston Marathon, etc. and prayed for the survivors, the families of those who were lost, and especially for those who have been brave and fought back in those moments.

It may have been a silly dream to some, but to me, it was a reminder that in an instant, our lives can change.

We can either "be brave and fight back or be used to cause more sorrow."

   About a month ago, a friend was depressed and angry, but after talking things through for a bit, I felt it was okay to give them some advice:

   "I know you're having a really hard time. I get that. I know what's it's like to feel like life's out of control and you're losing everything and everyone, but you can get through it.    You need to remember all you know about taking care of yourself, putting yourself first, and using healthy coping skills. If you feel you still can't make it, reach out to a professional or friends and family, like you're doing now, but the truth is, family and friends can't always give you the help you need.    When I felt completely alone and was spiraling back into depression, I made a decision. I didn't want to give up.    My doctors were idiots.  They weren't listening, they weren't helping, family and friends were saying and doing all the wrong things, it felt like I wasn't making progress and I was furious, but, one day, I sat myself down and kicked myself in the butt. Life is hard. It is. The things we go though are horrific, but I realized something as I scolded myself. I knew myself. I knew what I needed and what I needed to hear.    I wanted to hear it from everyone else, I wanted SOMEONE to fix me, and when I realized that I was expecting that of others, I also realized that it was unhealthy.    It hurt and made me angry to say that to myself, to say, "Emilee, nobody can read your mind. Nobody knows what you really are feeling, what you really want, what you really need. Nobody is going to come to your rescue. Nobody! Even the people who try to help, if I don't accept their help, and also make a conscious effort to change, I won't just feel alone, I will be alone, because everyone is fighting battles I can't comprehend, I can't fix for them, and if I don't change, they'll leave because they need to put themselves first and can't always carry me with them."    You know yourself best and know what you need. If you need a friend to stop by and say hi and hang out and eat nuggets and pizza and trash on idiotic coworkers, ask and I'll be there. If you need a hug and to cry, or someone to listen, I'm always here. Right now, I want to help, but I don't know how, so I need you to tell me what you need.

   You're brilliant. You're talented and strong.

   What I've said might not be the most comforting of things right now, but I think you are ready to hear it. I think you want to get better. I think you want life to be full of joy, love, and something you can reflect on and make fond memories, not something to dread and be in so much pain over, and accepting yourself, the good and bad, is the first step to recovery.

   Take a deep breath, then have a therapy session with yourself.    Ask yourself, "What am I stressed about?" Make two lists, one of things in your control, the other of things you can't control, such as the actions of others, etc. Look at the second list and talk yourself through it. "I cannot control others. Yeah, their behavior sucks, but I can't force them to change." Etc.    Once you've gone over that, take on the first list. "Taking a shower stresses me out today. I want to put it off until tomorrow. Will that benefit me? Showers are soothing and relaxing. I feel better about myself afterwards. It's almost like meditating. I guess, even though I don't want to, it would benefit me and my health, physically, and perhaps emotionally, mentally, and spiritually." Etc etc etc, and take a shower, then move onto the next item.    If you can't finish the list in one day or it seems overwhelming, break it up into mini goals spread out during the week.

   That really helped me, and the more I do that, and the more I take care of myself, the better I feel and the more progress I make. That's one of the ways I've made it this far and how I've gotten through the past 13 months without medication. I may need medication again in the future, but for now, even though life is hard, I know I always have my back."    Now, looking back on that day, I realized that between work, taking care of my grandma, etc, I lost sight of most of those things.    I'm also a very religious person, and one day in church, the teacher said some things that I really needed to hear:    "Stop looking at everything as Pass or Fail.  Life isn't like that, everything's not black and white."    I realized that instead of trying to focus on what I'm doing right and how far I've come, I've been focusing on all of my "failures" and where I think I need to be.    I AM making progress.  Today I went on a hike with my sister and some friends.  Since I started working as a custom framer, I've lost 23 lbs!  I deleted the Facebook App off of my phone so I'm not constantly scrolling and wasting time. I'm closer to my family than I've ever been.  Yesterday was one of those days where random memories kept popping up, really unpleasant ones, however, I'm really proud of myself.

   Why?

   Because I'm mentally and emotionally healthy enough that I didn't dwell on it or let it control me. I firmly told myself, "No, I won't let this ruin my day. Yes, that happened. Yes, it makes me feel awful at times, but I'm strong and my life is different now. That's the past, and that's where it needs to stay; not always in the forefront of my mind. I've suffered enough because of those things. It's time to focus on my life now and enjoy it."

Book 1: ponytail Zuko

Book 2: *in John Cena meme voice* Tooooph Beeeeeiiifong!!!