God we go through so much shit. I see so many things on social media and now I genuinely feel like I don’t even know what my own thoughts are anymore. Do I even actually want this? I cry everyday because I feel like I’ve been brainwashed to think that certain things should be done a certain way and it’s all my fault. I let everyone in. When I shouldn’t have done that. I wish I could go back and not have said or done anything to allow others into my shit. But here we are.

I just wanna actually be in love and be actually loved in return. In a whole relationship and I don’t feel that vibe.

Reflecting on my life between now and a year ago and I have so much to be thankful for. I wish I made a better decision at the beginning of the year, but life is so interesting and takes in you in so many different directions it’s hard to keep up. Some things are the same and some are different, but all I know is I have me.

Something about the rain is so romantic for the self being.

I’m sitting in class with these thoughts and I’m just thinking about how stupid I sound, I know why I’m with my partner and I know for a fact no one else can give me that. But I also feel like I shouldn’t be chained to one experience. I should be able to live different experiences

I’m totally mind dumping today whoever is reading this but it’s just crazy to me that ever since I was a teen I have literally liked someone while being with someone or liked someone immediately after being with someone and I’m just like, what am I like this?! Why do I want all the cake? My slice of cake and then the whole thing. Who said monogamy was the thing.

My friends keep saying you can look but don’t touch but doesn’t that just make shit worse? Like literally looking has fucked up my brain because I want to touch, that’s what we want to do as humans, how are people ever together for more than two years? I don’t get it, I truly don’t. Like i am in love, truly in love but have thoughts, thoughts that aren’t about the one I love and I just wanna know how is this okay or if it even is truly okay

It’s like Im just now realizing that going from what I was doing before straight into a relationship wasn’t exactly ideal? But honesty how else would it have gone? I’m not sure. I have all these questions and feelings about what to do or how to react and should I be having this talk with my partner but I don’t want to because I don’t want him to think I want to leave because I don’t but also maybe I do. Like who wants to hear that? I wouldn’t. And I feel shitty on the low. And I feel shitty that I meet new people and wanna see what they’re about but can’t because I’m in a relationship. Wtf. Being a human is annoying. Who signed me up for this shit

Having the most conflicting feelings I think I’ve ever had in a long time and don’t feel like I can talk about it with my partner. This is the most serious I’ve ever been with someone but why do I still have the feeling of wanting to be with someone else. Like what am I supposed to do as a human? Just never be around other people?