inactive

like i don’t have the same potency of feelings for him i used to but the remnants are still there juuust enough for my chest to still wrench every time i see him in the hallway/café. when i see pics of him it all just comes back flooding my brain. i know he & his gf are in a relationship for over a yr & i think they’re cute & they seem to be just perfect for each other which also hurts in a whole different way because i still know in this reality i could never date him even if he came to me asking me to because i wouldn’t feel comfortable dating a cis guy who has everything i want for myself. but i still just feel like such an idiot knowing i probably don’t cross either of their minds ever meanwhile i’m still not over him. they’re just living their lives so fully, doing so much and thinking every thought under the sun except me. because what even am i to either of them? to him i’m not even the person who was, in vain, in love with him for years. to him i’m just someone he had some classes with in 8/9th grade who had a crush on him. i don’t even want to know what he thinks of me now if someone were to ask him. it’s so fucking embarrassing thinking, what do my friends think of me who’ve known me for that long & know how i feel while also knowing them both & commenting on their posts “u guys are j so cute omg”? what do those friends of mine think of me? do they look at me still having feelings for him that won’t go away, and probably won’t ever fully go away, and think “god you sad, poor, loser, idiot, you’re so embarrassing, get over him, it’s been years, he’s straight, he’s taken, you’ll never have him”? i don’t even care that in this reality i’ll never have him and tbh i don’t even have a super strong desire to be w him in other realities. but i will in my better cr because i need to give my 8th/9th grade self the perfect relationship with him that i fantasized about 24/7 and wanted so bad and thought i was so ready for at the time that i never got to have, while having the perfect body, appearance & life in every other way. how did those middle school/freshman classes become history so fast? why does time get lost so easily? why can’t it just stop for once? it’s drowning. it’s suffocating knowing times in my life that felt perpetually like the present, like they’d never be over, have just steadily and steadily faded into the past too slowly to have realized until it’s too late, it’s been done. times when we still had classes together and would joke around and we got along. when i’d make a joke & he, hearing it from across the classroom, would actually laugh. his shenanigans and ways of charming every teacher despite talking when he shouldn’t have been and being generally very annoying a lot of the time just for the sake of it. the times before i admitted my feelings to him because although he was accepting and rejected me politely, i know he saw me differently starting then & treated me differently too. nowadays he doesn’t even notice me, notice that i’m in the hall or in the room. pays me no mind, for i am but an ant in the crowd. is it worse to be ignored or to be not even noticed? is it worse to be hated or to be not even thought about, not even considered, not even as a fleeting thought, a gust of wind, a tumbleweed gone as soon as it was there?

i still think about him. i still love him, i still want to be with him.