Night's art dump

Another journal entry, I guess.

I made a big decision in my life, and I had chosen to limit a lot of my time on social media.

That is why I haven't been posting like I wanted of my art lately. A lot of the reasons why is that everything is more available now through media. It's not bad things good to be informed and be able to communicate with other people.

It's just that you also get to see a lot of real-life problems across the world. That can scary anyone seeing that outside are comfortable homes there war's, pandemic, corruption and genocides going on in real time.

Of course, this was bound to happen. The internet, even though still new, was developing faster than any form that machinerscenery can

It's every now to your car to the simple appliances. With it still growing, more secrets were brought out from the dark. And more you see the sicker you feel here you are healthy and warm as those don't have that much luck.

You want to help so you try, but most you keep giving the worst you feel cause it wasn't enough to stop others pain.

That side of media will be draining as it was for me. I wanted to give everything to help but I know now I can't keep giving anymore without putting myself in bad health.

So I stepped away, and I still can help people, but I know now I can only give what I can, just not unconditional that I used to.

I had done a lot more hobbies and had started actually painting again. Hurt like hell standing thanks to my illness, but it was worth it. Did more baking and cooking, really enjoying that.

I still hate my illness, mostly how it just affects how I move. The pain is just always there now, and sadly, I'm just getting used to it. Wish I could have more assistance with it, but getting help from a health assistant for pain is just difficult. Also, living in a place where drug abuse is common doesn't help ether.

Sometimes, I want something to just make it stop it just for a moment to breathe before feeling it again. But that just won't happen.

I do have good day. The pain is gone, so I try to make the out of it so I can.

Thanks for just read through all of this if you did.

Just wanted to explain and get some things out of my head. It helps to let stuff out and make me able to not get overwhelmed about things.

Saw this pose reference form @albanenechi and couldn't help to see my spooky boi.

Got another wip. I'm working on the boi, but I need to do something different.

Here is the wip. If you are all interested, I will post the finished pics when I get it done, lol.

I hope this message finds you and your family in good health. My name is Eman Zaqout from Gaza. I am reaching you out to seek your urgent help in spreading the word about our fundraiser. I lost both my home and my job due to the ongoing genocide in Gaza and we are facing catastrophic living conditions. 💔

I kindly ask you to visit my campaign. Your support, whether through donating or sharing, will help us reach more people who can make a difference. Thank you for your continued support for the Palestinian cause. Your dedication brings us closer to freedom. 🙏🕊

Note: Verified by several people as 90-ghost and aces-and-angels. ☑

https://gofund.me/b141d50f 🔗

Of course hun everyone deserves a chance for a better quality of life. I pray you and your family will reach your goal to freedom soon, and I'll do my best to spread the word about your cause to the little followers I have.

Just know my wonder embers. There are still people out there who can't have happy holidays, and no matter how much you believe, people will do the right thing. You also have to understand that as many people you believe will do the right thing, you will have 2x as many people that would rather see world burn.

So please, if you can afford it, give a little bit extra to people that are in desperate needs and spend just a little bit of time with people that need the remainder of hope.

Waning

This is a heavy subject that will go over hard, disturbing, or triggering subjects that are only meant for mature and older audiences.

Subject that will be talked about are under the line of depression, disability harm, harmful economy, and extreme mental fatigue(in other words, mental break.)

So I'm tired and I'm not saying I can fall over no I feel like I'm drowning and for being so confused. I always had my disease but what I didn't know I had was a mind that wasn't like other. I thought I was normal just had more weight on my feet but now I have the terrible realization I had a whole 200 pound bolder instead.

Now I see things differently now I realize all my weird habits weren't normal. That I was forced to believe I'm normal when I'm not. That I needed someone to hold me back I needed someone to see that I was lied to. So I could have a chance to fucking live a life than being scared and so underdeveloped that I'm 20 years old and never have any socal life never had any party never had any friends. I wish someone anyone could have seen me drowning when I was 12 so I wasn't a 20 year old girl that to scared and to broken to fix everything anymore.

I plead for help I beg for understanding and got nothing. I'm tired for ask for help I'm tired knowing that I can never be who I want to be.

I'm tired for being the only usefully thing I can do for my family is to to die so they can get life insurance money and I can't even do that right.

I want to be more but for that I need to get help.

Question is can you even identify help when you can't even learn how to help yourself.

The answer is that you will kill yourself before you reached the true answer.

Caues fear will make you believe that death is easier then living.

Fear will make you not see the bruises on that kid shoulder.

Fear will make you not see that kid having a mental break but that kid is being a disturbance.

Fear will make you push underdeveloped kid to a grade that they are not ready for caues your boss wants the pay bonus before June.

Fear has more control over our minds than anything other emotions we have. Fear is so easy to control and manipulate for power. Fear is what everyone in our country has.

I'm tired for fear controlling me for years.

I'm tired of fear making me lose who I thought I was.

I'm tired of fear being manipulative by everyone around me.

I want to kill my fear but I can't but I can stop it having control over me.

Got to the point that I just want to not move to not leave the house to not wake up, and that is so depressing when everyone day just bring pain at this point I can't sleep unless I pass out of exhaustion.

At least caues how bad it getting my mom and dad attention seeing me cry while trying to make myself a heat pack to cry while eating caues it hurts to sit up.

Mom trying to help me find a doctor that listen but dad is still to stress about the bill that keep rising and the food that seem to never last longer then 3 weeks.

I feel like I'm sinking and I'm dragged taking them with me and that feeling is suffocating.

I want to be able to help but I don't want to collapse on them and make them spend more money one me. I don't know I'm just scared and can't help to blame myself for being so weak.

It's Halloween and oh boi I want to cry.

I hate be disable and poor caues I can fucking afford to enjoy even the smallest of things. Doesn't help that I have to still live with my parents. It's not bad but it was better to live with them if you're to young to understand what things they doing are well not right in kinder words.

I love my folks they well my folk, but they are not the best. Mom, she is sweet and kind, but only when people around, she gets well manipulative when just her and dad. Well my dad he smart but to much like me he can't stay on track and always neglect things that need to be fixed in the house until it just broke cost more for repair that we just can't afford.

I'm so use to always be my parents "emergency"

The one that will always say yes if the ask to "Borrow" just some cash when the need it as they spend taxes on "upgrades" that we don't need.

We need to fix the house we need to keep the house warm we need to get food that storage for a long time, not a new TV, not a new bathroom rug, not a new fluffy jacket.

I hate that I'm the only one who sees how much those want things add up to. I don't know, maybe I'm just being rude. They did so much for me even when they show showed how much the stress over me being disable.

I just want to afford to have enough for my little thing but I'm just to busy pay for their little things.

I'm just now sound selfish. I should be happy they didn't let me die, but I just can't help to wonder what happened or did I just grow up.

I'm sorry this post gets to sad

I try to be attractive I try to stretch I try to go out but everything hurts, everyone look at me with discuss, everyone want me to just fucking die when I'm so weak and tired. I just want help I want support I want people irl to care but no one does. I want to live to just have a chance of a life but everyone just see me as a waste when I'm a fucking person.

I just feel so alone cause I really have no one to talk to no one that share the same issue I do. I'm just alone with my disease, I'm alone with my struggles and I'm alone with my pain.

I feel so bad if anyone had to deal with this struggles in my in the future I pray no one will.

Caues this kills me that everything just want to kill you even your own body just because your just different and that is so terrifying to deal alone.

Sorry if this to deep I'm just in pain and feel so alone and maybe me type this will get these negative thoughts out my head.

I got two appointments today mostly just test but that really doesn't help with my anxiety. I hate getting so panicked when I need to do stuff like this but it just really how I was raised which no a good excuse but if anything it hard to break that habit. Hope my mother won't behave like we still going to children hospital when we're not. She had that habit when I just freeze up to talk for me and I seen how my doctor don't really like that but I shouldn't be that surprised. Like I'm just turn 20 been dealing with this for years to the point I really don't have a social life outside of my games or art. If that doesn't sound like a suspicious for fraud or controlling parent then I don't know what does then.

Just hate how doctors were I live just take one look at me walking in thinking I'm completely fine.

I'm not fine I'm in pain walking through those doors but I been dealing with people telling me I'm faking it or doing it for attention that I just got used to it without the problem getting resolve. So I get why they see that but still it puts me in danger when they think that I just wish more people are just more educated and experienced than new young people to scared to stray from the books. I don't know maybe I'm just being unreasonable.

Today is going to be happy day cause it my partner and I anniversary of 2 year. Longest of any relationship I been in and funny enough they disable cause there autism(they can't handle a lot of bills and social interactions). I had to took a lot of medication so my body won't feel like bag of rocks from the pain and now making myself eat a least something before things get busy with spending time with them.

I want to eat but hungry just not there and I know this isn't safe to skip so many meals but today I didn't even have a chance to digest my food without feeling nauseous and throwing it up.

I really don't know what wrong with but I have now doctors that will take me seriously cause I'm "just so young and healthy"

It's just frustrating.

Ya it's is one of those days again with bones grinding against each other and body feeling weak and exhausted. Sometimes I hate waking up like this but in a twisted way the pain just means I haven't died yet which is great another day is more time I didn't know I have.

Just still sad that i can't really have a good morning feel "refreshed". Glad others can have a chance to experience that but I can't help to get a little bit bitter over it. But that just the card I have been delta and I really can't change me hand other than just playing my hand right.

So today even through I'm tired mom got sick and me still leaving with them caues life is so unaffordable when you can't work without harming yourself. I have to help with everything caues if I don't everything will stop in my house.

It's sad but it's does and I want to try to make a changes and have the my brother and dad help but my dad is only one working and my brother just too stubborn and rather play games then help.

It's frustration but not really much I can say or do other than be useful. Even if I feel like everything in my body want to saying to just rest someone else can do it but I know no one really will.

So I work way more than I should today. I hate feeling so tired after doing the basic of things but it been like this for years not much I can do about it other then just getting used to it I guess.

So enough explains I just like tell you my frustration with being disabled.

I fucking love October! I love the color even when I can't see orange (just a shade thing I can see difference between orange and confused it with yellow or light brown) and the delicious apple and cinnamon treats what I don't like it the fucking pressure changes.

If you don't know what I'm talking about look up the difference of pressure with seasons I'm not a college professor I can not explain it better than they can.

Because of being disable with my clinical disease, sclerama, and renounce phenomenon every bone in my body don't have the fat or the tissue the protects them from these changes from the temperature and the pressure. So I feel in simple words like bone and scraping against bone with the occasional cold shivers for my body struggling to keep me warm with make my bones hurt worse.

Like I love this month it's have one my favorite holiday but being disable kinda prevent me from participating in actives and going out and enjoying the fun everyone seem to have.

It just a struggle caues I just feel like I'm just a downer sometime like to my family I'm more of a choir to deal with more during this month mostly I just don't have the energy to pretend I'm ok when physically I'm not I'm hurting trying to keep up with them and it's just stressful cause I don't want to be a problem and that my greatest fear being disable when you own love one's just see you as a problem than well human.

That all for today hopefully this will relieve some stress for myself probably not but worth trying right.

They world haven't just become more hateful. It always been filled with hate and fear for years. The world was always hateful in the 2000s as it was in 1900s and all the years before that. It's just now with all the technology advancements we finally get to see what really been going on outside are little bubble. With more lines of communication being made more of history darkness secrets are being shown to billions pears of eyes with some being as young as 4 years old.

Now don't twisted my words around saying that I think technology is bad when in truth it help billions of people every day down to calling for help or to learning new hobbies to even learning new languages.

It a tool that should be used but like other tools you need to respect it and work with it with precautions like you would with a saw or a wood chipper. You can't just use it think you can't get harm, that is reckless and you will get hurt if your lucky.

In my opinion technology is way more dangerous than any saw or wood chipper. Caues a least you just lost one finger while using a saw as for technology you can lose everything.

Your own reckless can make you lose every little thing to your Identity, your home, family, friends off a lie or someone hacking into your information. It doesn't matter if you change your password or you provide that it was a lie. Millions of people already saw that posts and that was all they needed to be against you as for millions already bought your information for that one hack.

The world will always have people that are filled with hate and sinister intentions and like all people do they are going to buy the newest phone and like all the tools people been handed they are going to abuse it for their own selfish.

So please don't be reckless with your tools and don't give them to children without precautions put in place or your going to lose more than just a finger.

Thanks for reading my ted talk if you did maybe this knowledge will help you.

This rock is one of the many variable needed to make a geode everyone knows and love for having those quartz in them. It so hard to fine these types of rock caues normally they are completely destroyed during the process of making a geode and only very few are found in good condition. My rock collector in me are screaming!!!!

Finally made myself to draw again.

So sorry for not posting for a long while been dealing with a lot of health emergency and stress been killing my motivation.