Nothing.

The desire to text, call, write, send flowers, send a card, and so many other "romantic" things is my greatest desires. I fall asleep thinking about you, wake up thinking about you; and have to somehow manage my thoughts to keep you out of them.

The times we shared walking down that long road holding your hand, casually having unmemorable conversation. I can still see that pond on the right side of the road, those purple flowers to the left, and I can still remember picking you up, spinning you around, looking you dead in the eyes as I gently put you down, and believing I had finally found someone special. I did find someone special, and it's been an extremely hard fall padded by wonderful woes of life. I loved you, you didn't me.

I don't really remember much about you. I don't recall the feelings I felt when I saw you. I don't remember your face the way I should. Honestly, all I remember is the food and the birds. You absolutely loved the birds. Each time one would come up to the window to feed out of one of your many bird feeders you would silence the entire house. How absolutely sweet and tender I remember you being. It seemed as if your love went on forever, and I know through sheer willpower alone you made it for as long as you did.

You made it 28 years longer then they said you would, and you battled cancer for 28 long years. My goodness how strong you must have been. I obviously have no hard feelings for you, and I obviously do not hold our poor circumstances against you; but I do wish you could have made it a little longer. All of the grandchildren have such wonderful, detailed filled stories to tell about you; and I know it's selfish to say, but all I have are birds.

When we saw a singular dove you would always remind us that, that dove specifically signified your mother for you. It's funny looking back, because it seems every single time I see a dove I look around and easily find two. It makes me wonder if when my mother goes, if I will see three. A nice thought, I suppose. For some reason the only other kind of bird I can remember are hummingbirds. I don't recall the significance to the hummingbird for you, and I don't really recall anything else about the hummingbirds other than I just know you really liked them. I wish you were here. You have no idea how bad I wish you were here. I write to you almost daily. I don't remember your voice, your face, your complexion, your facial expressions, nor anything else; but I do remember I loved you, and I do remember the warmth and happiness I still feel whenever I write these letters to you.

I've yet to ever hear a bad word spoken about you. It's always interesting to me that a lot of the older people that come into Long John Silver's remember granddad, Brenmark, and very seldom some will say "That Katherine. She was a fine woman."

Yeah, I know you died 15 years ago. No, I don't mourn your death. I don't know that I can say that I miss you, as I don't really remember enough to miss you. What I do know is that I love you, and what I do mourn is my incapability to get to know you. You didn't die alone Grandmom, along your way you took a part of each and every one of us with you. I keep you updated with my life by writing you often, and I talk to you more then I talk to anyone else. I know it's futile, because I know you're gone; but it helps me. It certainly helps me. I love you and until next time.

Love your Grandson,

Everyday there are moments in time which freeze. They become cold dead black and white memories laid upon a platter for our minds to feast. These moments, as they occur, are so bright and wonderful; and whilst living them they seem so natural. You don't realize it as it's happening that the world has stopped around you; and you don't realize that you're adding scraps to what will eventually become your dreadful feast.

As I think back I begin to devour upon the depressing feast that was once us, and I believe that those moments frozen in time are going to be the best moments in my life. What I thought to be nothing, what I knew would come to an eventual end, and what I cherished so deeply for what seemed to be years has plagued me to this very day.

I have attempted to hold someone else, to love someone else, to take in that wonderful scent that I could fervently breath in, to cuddle with other much like I once did you. I have made other moments freeze in time, and I have stopped the world with others; but no matter how hard I try, how hard I fight, how hard I believe it's over in the end it always goes back to you. It always goes back to you, and I always return to that abysmal platter we spent so much time building upon.

They plague my dreams, my thoughts, and every fiber of my being. Moments with you, moments with me, and moments of us. We built so many moments. As I reminisce on those moments those feelings we once intimately shared flood this very brain of mine. It was supposed to be mere child's play, and instead it became. Memories.

What can I say other than, "wow?" Life is very enjoyable, and in the words of a very dear friend of mine, Forrest, "Life is about making new memories." I haven't known Forrest very long, but he really has had an impact on my life in very many ways. We don't talk anywhere near as much as I wish we did, and we don't really hang out as much as I would like to; but every time I see him and every time we speak he seems to have the greatest outlook on life one could possibly imagine. He writes, he pictures, he raps, and he's honestly someone I look up to. His Tumblr page inspires me to write, as much as I possibly can. Thank you kind sir.

At one time I pretty much loathed you. I thought you had the girl that, at the time, was the girl of my absolute dreams. I felt as if we were in constant competition. Then I found out she was toying with you, much like she toyed with me for all these years. Since then we've become pretty close friends. I know that if I needed pretty much anything, and you were capable of doing it. You would. You're a highly talented singer, and have wonderful taste in music. I always enjoy every song you put on facebook/tumblr. Mister Lawson, you're a wonderful man. I hope you do great in Legally Blonde, and I hope I can make it.

Yeah. We've spent hours upon hours upon hours discussing my sheer want to commit suicide. In fact there were times you likely talked me out of trying. When I did actually try, something you told me really did run through my head. As soon as I took those pills. You were all I could think about, and for some reason I had the fear of disappointing you. Whatever. Your relationship with me is in large part the very reason I am still breathing today. You always bring out the best in my critical thinking, and you always seem to know exactly what to say to make me think in a more pragmatic sense. You're honestly my closest friend I have, and I wouldn't change that for the world. I don't even think I have to say your name, Jake, but I will anyways. 

With much brotherly love,