I just wanted things to be the same

I'm stronger than all my men

I uhhhh havent seen your blog before, and I don't exactly know who you are, but a friend of mine saw the thing you just posted in the bungo stray dogs community and we're kinda worried.

I'm not exactly the best at comforting someone, especially someone I know nothing about, but you don't seem like you're doing well.

I hope it's not you trying to kill yourself, but... if you're gonna kill yourself, please don't. Even if it doesn't seem like it, someone somewhere will care. And don't say you think they'll get over it, because I've been there before, and there's a million billion people in the world, so there will be someone who cares that you're gone.

I hope you're okay <3

First of all, I'm sorry that I worried some ppl.

Last week I lost the person I loved over a ridiculous misunderstanding and I'm not okay at all. I haven't cried this much since my cat of 10 years passed in 2024. Several ppl have tried to tell me I should be glad to be rid of someone who was mean to me but I'm not at all. I feel responsible for the ppl I love even when they're the ones hurting me. Leaving doesn't feel empowering to me, it feels like abandonment. I bond through depth, pain, and emotional imprinting. I don't detach when something hurts. I stay and I try to transform it. Pain doesn't register as a warning sign to me, it registers as meaning. To me enduring the chaos is proof that the love is real.

If this all sounds crazy to you it's bc it is. That's what happens when you're raised in a coocoo clock. My best friend has been doing everything he can to try to hold me up, but he's only one person and I'm sure he will eventually get tired of me and leave too. I just wish I could die and then I wouldn't be a bother to anyone anymore, bc I really can't do this anymore. The only reason I don't kill myself is bc I'm afraid of the pain and I don't want to hurt him. This is what 25 years of nonstop domestic abuse with no escape does to you. Yes I had problems with the person who left me and he wasn't always nice to me, but my feelings for him and our bond still brought the tiniest bit of joy to the Stephen King novel I've been living in and now that's gone...so it's going to be hell trying to go back to "normal". And I'm not saying he was just a distraction from my problems. I really did love him for who he was as a person, flaws and everything. Ppl who knew me well could see it written all over my face.