Welcome to my Thoughts

When you notice that things are getting hard, take a moment to appreciate the fact that you’ve made it this far. To become great, you need to believe you are capable of great things. Acknowledge the success of others, celebrate your peers, and don’t let the actions of others deter you away from what you want. Remember that nobody can see your vision until you bring it out for the world to see.

I followed this same type of thought process. I have this belief that if you master your skill and your craft, if you specialize and become invaluable, if you keep doing this long enough that = it will pay off in the long run, people will pay for your services, you’ll be able to making a living and more. Well, I’ve been scrambling for almost 6 months testing the waters to see if I jump... can I afford to drown for a while. I’m scared. The truth is, I don’t think I have the courage to drown. Every few weeks that pass by I am reminded of how much I truly don’t know what I am doing. The connections I thought I had into the dance community are not as strong as I believed. The value and story I told myself is beginning to feel like an illusion rather than a true account of the past. In this life, I want to make a difference and impact the dance community in a positive way. And yet, I feel like I am being jaded by this very community. I do not feel this way towards my fellow dancers all the time, but there are a few significant moments where this has impacted me. The hardest pill to swallow has definitely been realizing that my individual business/service is something that is perceived as a “luxury”. People confront their pain, aches, dysfunctions, and habits in different ways. Treating a socioeconomically disadvantaged dancer also means engaging with their personality, lifestyle, and perceptions about medical care. It has been difficult to separate my worth as a therapist from the dollar amount I think I deserve. With that being said, I am fully aware that the dancers that need this type of care and compassion the most are those who cannot afford it. If this is the people that I want to care for and champion, then I need to find other ways to sustain myself financially. I see others pursuing a field, career, and passion. I must remember to stay true to the path and find a life that is worth living for me. 

In my world, the price for stability leaves me lusting for adventure. I’m caught between the fantasy of maximizing the youth of my early 20s and the struggle to fight for a sense of respect and accomplishment to boost my ego as I approach 30. My longing for travel, intimacy, and adventure has been lived through pages of the books I’ve read, videos I’ve seen, and stories I’ve heard. When will it be my time to live a narrative worth remembering? I tell myself not now, but soon. My counterpart believes that disciple is true freedom. Being able to remain responsible and steadfast to principles that govern family and professional achievement will lead me towards the right direction. I’ve believed in this for so long now, that when I reflect back on the moments where I’ve deviated from what was expected of me, I learned quickly that my life has the ability to quickly change. I have the power to cut old ties and build new ones... or revive older relationships and mitigate new ones... or devote my time and energy for everyone. Whatever it may be, my conscious that makes decisions based on comfort, sustainability, and risk/reward has been on over drive. I will be working 3 part-time jobs, building a “healthy relationship” with my SO, planning how to build a business, and finding time to show my friends I’m still alive. But why is it that I still do not feel at peace with my own self and existence. There are moments, like tonight, where I feel deprived... entitled to experience euphoria of what normal 20 somethings do with their nights off. To party, drink, have sex, stay up late, deep talks with friends, take care of one another, and do fun things together. I’ve never been able to live up to all those things simultaneously, but it does sum up a lot of my later college days. Specifically when I had recently broken up with my ex, reconnnected with my friends, and spent the rest of my life living for myself. Taking risks, traveling around the state, and focused on building a life worth living. And now... fast forward a few years and I feel like I’ve aged 5 to 10 years. I’ve taken on responsibilities and projects that would inspire the shit out of 18 year old Aaron. But this present Aaron wants to have it both ways... is that even possible? To live an exciting alter ego while hustling 3 jobs and trying to appear my life is together. I put high expectations for myself, so I deserve to know that what I am experiencing now is temporary. Just like how its been on nights like these, I must resist the temptation for validation and need to move forward under my accord. Keep leaning in to the uncomfortable and the difficult. Eventually the problems and challenges of the future will pale in comparison to a life built from struggle and pain. Goodnight. 

My ego has taken a hit. In fact, I feel like it continues to take massive hits with every month that passes by. What I had once envisioned as my own special dreams are now being brought to fruition by others. Some of which are my friends, others who are complete strangers to me. I’ve been so attached to the idea that I would be the champion of the cause. I know that deep down inside, I secretly wanted the same adoration, respect, and love from these dancers that I wanted from my parents when I was a child. This narrative I have about being overlooked, underappreciated, and unrecognized is brutal to face especially in the context of the thought that I would build my dream career around this. However, at the end of the day I am going to bed without every fighting for more opportunities or exposure. What I am doing is keeping true to my nature and reaching out to those people who I feel need my service the most, who recognize the value I bring, and truly respect who I am as a person before clinician. I must remind myself that I have given myself the permission to pivot and switch up what I want in life, in my profession, and in my relationship with dance. It’s a scary thing to confront but I know this is what will ultimately save my heart in the end. 

Today’s content feels disembodied and isolated in micro-fractions of life’s passing moments. We sit here in disbelief that the general masses have procured an idealized depiction of how this life should be lived and experienced. With technology at our fingertips we create fragments to hold onto in hopes that it will capture the feelings of that time. But in the eyes of those who watch, they apply their own context to the visual imagery displayed before them, sinking in deeper to their own emotional underpinnings of where they live life now. We must all remember that circumstances change but the feelings augment our reality and memory. There is a truth within ourselves. To find it we must feel and understand everything, even if it defies what we think we know and believe.