Maddie:)

i met a man online.

I know, I know, I say it all the time but there’s nothing more painful than being mother-less when you have a mother who is still alive.

I wish my mom knew how to love me right. I wish someone knew how to love me right. I’m floating around the world alone because no one ever taught me how to walk around on land that felt like water. I’m always swimming.

my mom almost drowned as a baby. maybe that’s why she’s so scared all the time. my mom ruined me, that’s one of the reasons I am scared. wish she’d just figure out what was wrong with her so we could all move on.

can we ever move on? is there moving on from a childhood filled with trauma? do you ever forget? I want to forget. I want to forget what happened to me like I forgot the name of my preschool best friend. I want to forget what happened to me like I forget the name of a movie I once loved or my first crush. I want to forget what happened to me like my mother forgets she’s supposed to love me wholeheartedly.

I want someone to hold me. I want someone to pick me up and cradle me like an infant, wrap me in a hospital blanket & rock me til I fall asleep. I want to be a baby.

– Sue Zhao