NEW MILFORD SASSAFRAS

Fall season is here and with it comes a renewed sense of urgency for New Milford’s squirrel community. As leaves turn yellow and acorns tumble to the ground, it’s go-time for these bushy-tailed critters to hastily stock up food supply for the winter months.

Then there is Rocky Junior, known amongst squirrels as a daredevil and a tad cavalier. While his peers are out doing the hard work of stockpiling nuts, Rocky Junior is instead found roadside waiting to challenge fast-moving SUVs to a game of chicken.

“I nearly had a heart attack,” recalled Chevy Tahoe owner, Julia Nutrisse. “I was driving peacefully along when suddenly this squirrel jumped out of nowhere and darted across the road. I nearly hit another car swerving out of the way.”

Reports indicate Rocky Junior seems to be tempting fate by beginning his brazen dashes at the very last possible second as trucks approach. In some instances, Rocky runs halfway across the street, turns around to run back, then swings back around one more time towards the other side.

Local abstract artist, Paul Polymer is not happy that several New Milford residents continue to trash his art installation located at the former Bank Street Coffee House. 

Polymer premiered the “Weathered Paper” exhibit soon after the revered coffee shop closed its doors in 2017. The artist’s style is focused on paper as an art form and contemporary artistic medium.

“I was attempting a clever jeux d’esprit with this project,” explained Polymer. “I guess folks just aren't smart enough to appreciate the juxtaposition between Bank Street’s historic beauty and the slowly fading, slowly deteriorating bland, brown paper.”

The brown craft paper has taken on an evolving life of its own. With the sun beating down consistently on Bank Street’s north side, the paper has slowly changed tones and now reveals captivating blotchy patches that evolve almost every week. The sun’s heat also impacts the tape that holds each sheet of paper. After several years, the paper is sluggishly peeling away from the glass as if to tease passersby about what might actually happen inside someday.

As Connecticut cases of COVID-19 continue to decline, New Milford restaurants have re-opened with much fanfare and success, featuring attractive outdoor dining options across the community. The popularity of outdoor cuisine is hard to deny. Most restaurants are packed with customers who are glad to be out in a social environment once again. The success, however has created a new problem to address: restaurants can’t get patrons to leave in a timely fashion.

“Outdoor dining is great, but we’re still not operating at full capacity,” said a restaurant owner who wished to remain anonymous, “For the numbers to work, we need to turnover tables at a steady rate, but we can’t get customers to leave.”

Enter the New Milford Police Department’s Parking Enforcement Officer to the rescue. To ensure restaurants turn over tables efficiently, restaurant patrons will be required to have their shoes chalked as soon as they take their seats. Once marked, customers have a maximum of 60 minutes to complete their meal and pay the bill. If they exceed the time limit, they will be ticketed $25.

Local New Milford children who were playing along the banks of Candlewood Lake on Good Friday could not believe their eyes when Jesus suddenly appeared to them. The Savior invited the children to sit down for a lakeside chat so He could offer some of His most important leadership and business advice.

“Remember kids, you can’t underestimate the value of being first to market. It played a huge role for Me in becoming the premier Lord and Savior,” said Jesus. “No one ever remembers who the second or third person was to rise from the dead.”

The riveted children were captivated. “I wish I knew He was coming,” said Maria Jacobs. “I would have brought a pencil and paper to take some notes.”

Jesus seemed delighted to spend time with the kids. “I love giving motivational talks to children, they are a great audience,” said Jesus. “I find that when they know someone believes in them and is rooting for them, they are more likely to chase their dreams.”

The Coronavirus pandemic is once again to blame for the cancellation of a popular New Milford event. The Parks and Recreation Department announced today that the annual Toilet Paper Hunt, scheduled for Easter Sunday, will no longer take place.

“We just couldn’t find enough toilet paper to ensure all participants left with a couple of rolls,” said a Department spokesperson. “Plus, we were very concerned the children’s parents might get aggressive, shove kids aside and hoard toilet paper rolls for themselves.”

The New Milford Democratic Town Committee announced a new meet-up event aimed to foster engagement and dialogue between Democrat leaders and the community. 

“Get Shellacked With The Dems” is an art workshop that will take place every Saturday morning at John Pettibone Community Center and is designed to teach interested residents various shellacking techniques and applications.

“After our ‘Coffee With The Dems’ meet-up earlier this year, we decided to create an event that is more interactive and really showcases something we excel at,” said DTC Chair, Mary Jane Lundgren. “We were clearly shellacked in last week’s election and we think residents will consider us subject matter experts on this topic.”

Last week New Milford residents sent a clear message they do not want divisive, partisan politics in town. Final election results revealed a startling revelation:  not one Democrat candidate earned more votes than their Republican opponents in all respective races--with the exception of Exiene Lofgran, who ran unopposed for a seat on the Board of Assessment Appeals.

New Milford Town Council Candidate, Jeff Winter directed a mouthful of criticism at current sitting town council members at a recent meeting. Winter’s latest grievances were aimed at those who forgot to put away their town hall toys before the start of the meeting.

“In all my years addressing this body, I have never been so embarrassed,” said Winter. “Time and time again, we see elected representatives who blatantly disregard basic housekeeping rules. If they’re forgetting to put away these toys, what else are they forgetting to do. Think about it.”

Winter pressed on and questioned where the toys originally came from, who authorized the purchases, and how much it all cost. He closed his comments by suggesting he will file a Freedom of Information Act request to get to the bottom of it all.

Winter’s accusations were met with equally matched criticism.

“I’m in the same party as Jeff and even I cringe when he comes to the podium to speak,” said a council member who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s like my nagging mother who constantly pesters me about what I didn’t do and who never says anything positive about my accomplishments.”

Council member Katy Francis spoke up to clarify the situation. “Actually, these aren’t our toys,” said Francis. “The toys you see here are community donations for the Toys for Tots holiday drive that kicked off this week.”

Republican Candidate for Board of Education, Pete Helmus found himself in Democrat cross-hairs after answering a question during a recent “Meet the Candidates” event sponsored by New Milford’s PTO. 

“Can you say with 100% certainty that Santa Clause does not exist?” asked the event moderator.

“No, I can not,” replied Helmus. “There isn’t 100% evidence to support that claim. Having worked in science for over 43 years, my experience and training suggests there could be a chance, as slight as it is, that Santa Clause does exist.”

Democrat leaders immediately attacked with a social media campaign aimed to put Helmus on defense.

“Helmus continues to perpetuate a myth that only serves to torment our children and line the pockets of big-corporate retailers,” claimed a New Milford Democratic Town Committee Facebook post. “How could someone with his beliefs possibly serve on the board of education?”

“I stand by my answer,” Helmus responded in his own Facebook post. “100% certainty on anything is no longer science, it’s religion and cult. But, let’s be honest, this is about more than science--I just choose to live in a world where the possibility of Santa Claus exists.”

Legislators in Hartford recently enacted a new state law requiring municipalities to install caution signs that help warn drivers of crossing and flying Chickadee birds. New Milford completed the installation of nearly 20 signs throughout its historic downtown green this week.

“The Chickadee is a wonderful part of Connecticut’s bird habit,” said Connecticut Department of Public Works representative, Polly Fuhl. “It’s a beautiful creature with black, white, and brown coloring-- what a wonderful symbol of diversity and inclusion. That’s why we must ensure the Chickadee continues to thrive and is protected from reckless drivers.”

The new signs invited an immediate backlash from New Milford residents who described them as ugly, excessive, and a waste of tax-payer dollars.

“These signs are for the birds,” said Ralph Baird. “So much for maintaining the rural character of our bucolic downtown green.”

“Any bird that can’t avoid a car probably isn’t going to last too long in the wilderness,” added Ricardo LeMone. “It’s called survival of the fittest.”

Others are worried about the precedent set by these new signs. “There are a lot of other threats to drivers that could warrant a sign,” said Dan Dre. “Bears, scooters, nonprofit fundraisers...pretty soon the green will be lined with yellow signs.”

Mayor Pete Bass and mayoral candidate Tom O’Brien were surprised to learn today that they each chose the same getup for Halloween: the “Bill Buckbee Santa Claus” costume.

“I’m a longtime fan of Bill and as a republican, I never thought Tom would consider the same outfit,” said Mayor Bass. “It just goes to show how much folks in New Milford admire Bill.”

Tom O’Brien was equally amazed. “I thought I’d be the big surprise of the day and grab some additional media attention,” said O’Brien. “Who would have guessed that I’d dress up as the guy I lost to in the state representative race?”

With only a week until Election Day, an “October Surprise” hit the New Milford community yesterday when Mayor Bass announced the installation of a new bus shelter on Main Street. Immediately following the news, the New Milford Democratic Town Committee called for a special emergency brainstorming session to identify all the reasons why the shelter is a bad idea.

“We must address this immediately,” said DTC Chair and Town Council Candidate, MaryJane Lundgren. “This new shelter is something everyone will agree is a good idea. We can’t afford to let that happen!”

DTC leaders and party members gathered at John Pettibone Community Center to get to work filling Post-It Notes with potential ideas and pithy soundbites. 

The most promising idea from the session focused on investigating if current or past town council members had secretive, behind-the-scenes deals associated with the project. “We don’t have time to investigate,” said a doubtful Lundgren. “We’ll just have to accuse someone of some sort of malfeasance and hope it sticks.”

“The timing is really bad for us as we just completed an extended communication campaign, which tried to convince the community that the Mayor’s roadwork efforts have not been noteworthy--a tough sell,” said Town Council Candidate, Jeff Winter. “Convincing the public the bus shelter was a bad move and irresponsible use of funds will be hard, but I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

Coffee fanatic Javier Affogato’s early-morning coffee ritual may be the source of  his recently diagnosed health issue: depression. The 39-year-old engineer commutes an hour each way to his Norwalk-based job and the Route 202 Dunkin’ Donuts is his go-to destination for morning java.

“I’ve been a drive-thru customer here for over five years and not once has a car in front of mine ever bought me a ‘pay-it-forward’ cup of coffee,” said Affogato. “Every morning, I get my hopes up that this will be the day. But, alas, no such luck. It puts me in a crappy mood for the rest of the morning.”

Affogato became aware of pay-it-forward coffee purchases through Facebook posts he saw on various community pages.

“Every week I see a story about someone receiving an unexpected free cup of coffee, must be nice.” said Affogato. “I’m a kind guy, I’m a fun guy. What am I doing wrong that no one feels I deserve a random act of kindness?”

“I’ve tried various tactics while waiting in line to try to increase my odds,” continued Affogato. “I’ve looked sad, like I’m having a really bad day. And, I’ve looked cheerful. Nothing works. It’s really depressing.”

President Weighs In On Mayoral Candidate O’Brien’s Debate Performance

Just over two years ago, the Gronbach administration found itself in a pickle after Mayor David Gronbach disclosed confidential financial information about Children’s Center families to Hearst Media. The incident provoked the Connecticut state Office of Early Childhood to write the town of New Milford and warn the disclosure constituted “breach of contract” with the state.

Mayor Pete Bass had to clean up the mess by issuing an apology letter shortly after taking office. At the time, Bass said the state “was very clear prior to my taking office that a letter of apology was required from the town” in order to preserve a $325,000 state grant.

Asked why he never apologized or resolved this issue before leaving office, Gronbach said, “To be honest, I don’t remember why I did such a foolish thing in the first place. The only thing I can think is that I was trying to leak some other information and accidentally attached the wrong file.”

Gronbach, who is currently running for a seat on the Board of Finance, promises to be more careful behind his keyboard. Although he previously wanted to abolish the same Board of Finance he is now running for, he assures the voting public that he can be trusted with town’s most sensitive financial information.

Sources:

New Milford mayor apologizes for Children’s Center data disclosure

Argues against Gronbach’s ‘scurrilous comments’ against Children’s Center

Following the revelation that Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT) operated a secret Twitter account under the faux-name “Pierre Delecto,” comes the revelation that Romney got the idea from watching New Milford “fake” profile, Nick Fairfield. 

“I saw what appeared to be a ‘fake’ profile debating folks about New Milford education issues and thought he must be pretty engaged in town affairs to have access to so much data and information. I wondered if the person behind the account was actually someone directly involved with their Board of Education or some other government committee,” said Romney. “That’s when I got the idea of creating Pierre Delecto so I could monitor social media political discussions and defend myself against internet trolls. Hey, if Nick can do it, why can’t Pierre?”  

Sassafras attempted to reach Nick Fairfield for comment but was unable to locate him. 

New Milford residents know all too well that several community Facebook pages are home to some rather unfriendly and contentious dialogue. For many, the 2016 launch of the “New Milfordite - Positive Vibes” page was a welcome addition to the online social scene.

Maintaining a “positive” experience, however, requires page moderators to sometimes rule with an iron fist. If posts are deemed too negative or stir up the political pot, they are removed--no exceptions.

“I’m a supporter of the page and a positive person most of the time,” said Positive Vibes member, Polly Anna Scribner. “But there are times I really, really, really want to say something negative about what someone else wrote. Just because people post positive things, doesn’t mean they post intelligent things.”

Scribner often has perfect witty responses typed up and ready to go, but chooses to delete without posting. “It would be satisfying to post some of things I’ve wanted to say, but I chicken out,” confessed Scribner. "I think I might vomit a little bit if the moderator scolded me online about what I can and cannot say. So, I just move on.”

Jan Bradie considers herself lucky to walk away without a scratch after being involved in a three-car accident on Route 7. Bradie was on her way to a downtown New Milford protest concerning the safety of recently placed electric scooters.

“I’m so disappointed that I had to miss the protest,” said Bradie. “Those scooters are an accident waiting to happen and a menace to the community.”

Since the arrival of Lynx Scooters to New Milford, a modest debate has ensued about the utility and safety of the rentable, electric scooters. To date, Sassafras is not aware of any accidents that have occurred, but that has not stopped the naysayers from voicing their opinions.

“Let’s face it, scooters are really only for people who are too lazy to walk,” Bradie continued. “I would never use one of these things. Therefore, I don’t think anyone else should either.”