what's wrong, hero?

so its important for you to understand: i dont have any intentions of harming my body when i say that i should have died. not "us," critically. me. maybe on the exact moment of impact of it happening. maybe after a few weeks of confused, anguished flailing, not aware at all what we were experiencing, and then one morning a quiet sense of something having flatlined, being lost, but that ultimately it was okay. she was in too much pain for it to be managed. alter MAID.

it feels vulnerable to use that word as while i havent exactly been closed off on the subject, i havent been open, either. unfortunately i liked the turn of phrase "alter MAID" too much to edit.

there are good, deserving people inhabiting this body who very badly want to use it to worthwhile purposes. pursuit of pleasure, closeness, etc. who are kind and good for the people around them, who can fuck without a sense of apocalyptic terror.

i am fully aware that is Not How It Works. do not lecture me on the fact that you cant just cut trauma out. maybe you can't. whatever. maybe you just haven't herogirled hard enough? [smugly] someone's faltering, it would seem.

the thing i am is repulsive. the thoughts and feelings i have would wreck everything good we've managed to build up for ourself. there is a lot of good. a shocking amount, considering. i am unable to accept it and therefore undeserving of it.