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The National Park Service announced plans today for a new visitors’ center at the Washington Monument.

In a press conference this morning, officials unveiled the final design for the long-delayed project. The new addition -- in the shape of two large spheres attached to the monument's base -- hopes to increase revenue generation from the historic site.

The structure will house exhibits on President George Washington’s life, a security screening area, and a gift shop. It will cost an estimated $20 million to build and is expected to be completed in 2019.

“The idea for a visitors center has been floated around for several years,” says Park Service spokesperson Chuck Wilson. “With thousands of tourists a year, it has become necessary for us to add additional amenities to the site.

“For years we were stuck on the design. We met with hundreds of different architects. But when a local firm proposed this gorgeous dual-sphere structure, we knew immediately we had to build it. It blends perfectly with the surroundings.”

The Washington Monument was completed in 1884 after 36 years of construction. The 555-foot obelisk was briefly the tallest building in the world, before being overtaken by the Eiffel Tower five years later.

The original design called for a large circular colonnade to cover the lower reaches of the tower, but the Civil War and budgetary constraints forced those plans to be scaled back. The resulting stiff, spartan structure has often been cited as an example of phallic architecture.

“The Washington Monument Visitors’ Center will be the first major project in the capital region to be certified LEED platinum,” explains Wilson. “This means it will follow the strictest of environmental building standards in the world.”

Some local Washington residents, however, are more concerned about the project’s aesthetics than its environmental impact. Specifically, many believe the new spheres will enhance the monument’s notoriously erect reputation.

“I know this sounds kinda crazy. But with this new addition, doesn't the Washington Monument kinda look like a penis and balls?” says John Anderson, a lawyer who takes his morning jog along the National Mall.

Boston’s Emerson College has announced it will offer a class on selfies as a part of the upcoming 2015 spring semester.

The course, called “My Self, My Selife: The Art of The Self Portrait,” will be an in depth study on the history of the narcissistic trend and compulsion of posting photos of oneself on social media.

Students will be required to take and post a selfie a day for the entire three-month duration of the semester.

“If you think about it, selfies have been around for ages: Pablo Picasso, Frida Kahlo, all the way back to Raphael. Self portraits are the original selfies,” said Professor Samuel Stanley, who will be teaching this class.

While a course on selfies may seem trite or counter-educational to most schools, it makes perfect sense for Emerson College, a liberal arts school with a prestigious communications and film program.

“We have a course on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the history of burlesque. Not to mention our Quidditch team has a bigger following than any of our Division Three sports teams,” said Emerson president Lee Pelton.

“We’ve always been proactive and ahead of the curve with our curriculum. Selfies are the future. Social media is the future. Before you know it, photographers will be obsolete. We are a film school after all. It is our mission to teach our students the future of the fields.”

Apparently this course sparked into creation after it was announced that Kim Kardashian will publish a “book” entirely composed of selfies. The college approached the mogul to do a guest lecture for the class, but was turned down due to “scheduling conflicts,” and never wanting to “step foot in Boston.”

“We will pretty much let anyone be an artist in residence at Emerson, as long as they donate enough money,” Pelton said. Last year the college renamed its communications school The Ron Burgundy School of Communication for a day in an attempt to promote the release of Anchorman 2.

In addition to celebrating the art of selfies, the course is also required by the state to address the dangers of self portraits, focusing on that guy who accidentally shot himself taking a gun selfie, the police officer who took a selfie as a suicidal man jumped to his death, or that other guy who committed suicide after being unable to take the perfect selfie.

“We are by no means attempting to glamorize selfies; rather, we’re examining the raw, sad and lonely side of it, also know as Justin Bieber’s Instagram account,” Stanley said.

A Selfie or Just Selfish?

Like any form of art, there will be critics. The course will also be focused on giving honest critique on selfies in hopes of keeping millennials more grounded and self-aware, also know as “managing the millennial ego.”

But not everyone is excited about this new course. Alumni Elliott Smith (’08) laments, “This is utter insanity. This selfie course is just proof that my overpriced college education gave me nothing but debt. Maybe if the college taught more courses like, ‘When It’s Time to Give Up On Your Dreams,’ or ‘The Art of a Part-Time Job,’ I wouldn’t be $30,000 in debt and living with my parents.”

At Emerson, Smith studied M. Night Shyamalan’s work, a major he created himself, as that is something the college encourages their students to do.

“I personally think this selfies class is just what Emerson needs,” said Penelope Andrews, a freshman. “I mean, do you see some of the students here? It’s an eyesore. Hopefully this class will teach some self awareness.”

Andrews does not look like your typical Emerson student. While most of the student body is drenched in black and smoking cloves, Andrews looks like she’s about to rush Elle Woods' sorority.

“Selfies are like super important to my future," Andrews said. “I’m only in college to meet my husband. Then I found out most guys here are either gay or egomaniacs. So now what do I have? Tinder and Instagram. Selfies is my 10-year plan to get a ring on this.”

Andrews appears to be under the misconception that this course will make her instantly good at taking selfies. Like those who assume taking a history of media arts course will suddenly make you the next Martin Scorsese.

“I’m aware that this course is getting some backlash,” said Professor Stanley. “But to quote the great Taylor Swift, ‘Haters gonna hate, hate, hate.’”

The City of San Francisco banned straight marriage today on the grounds that heterosexual behavior is unnatural and a threat to same-sex relationships.

In a close vote the city’s Board of Supervisors passed a resolution this morning barring opposite sex couples in the city from marrying one another effective immediately. All existing unions between one man and one woman will also be nullified.

“Heterosexuals are different than us, and therefore inferior,” explains Rick Mantorum, a gay supervisor who led the anti-straight marriage effort. “They don’t deserve to be married any more than dogs do.

“Marriage legitimizes the heterosexuals’ unnatural choices. And it gives them the respect they need to start recruiting our children into their lifestyle.

“Here in California gay marriage is a brand-new institution. We need to protect it from the heterosexual agenda.”

The ban has gained wide support across the political spectrum in San Francisco, with everyone from Marxists and communists to socialists praising its implementation. It has even attracted support from the city’s growing community of gay evangelical Christians.

“Heterosexuality is an abomination against God,” explains the pastor at Rock Hard Ministries, a local church. “Jesus never had a girlfriend. He spent all of his time with 12 hot, young men who liked to get on their knees.”

The new law doesn't seem to bother the few remaining straight couples in the city, most of whom work in the technology sector and are blissfully unaware of news that doesn’t appear in TechCrunch. Some, however, spot economic opportunity in the post-marriage era.

“Marriage is like so Humanity 1.0,” says Peter Robbins, a local technology investor. “This new ban gives us an opportunity to reprogram the software of human attachment, creating a new gender-agnostic platform for frictionless pair-bonding.”